Breathe

I know that nothing just happens.  I do believe that God guides our life and has a plan for each and every one of us.  Does that mean that I float on a cloud, trusting that all will be sunshine and happiness?  No... To tell you the truth the last two weeks I have been questioning a lot about being a mom.

I am a mother of four, a wife to a lineman (power poles), two adopted children, two biological, one with anger issues and the other with something (Aspergers).  The bible says that we are not given more then we can handle.  When I reflect on my life I can see that I am exactly where God wants me to be and has designed me to be.

But, lately I feel like I just CAN"T DO THIS!!! S has been on school break for the last two weeks and any change in her schedule is like taking a toaster and sticking it in a tub of bath water. It doesn't stop, it never stops (only a little bit)....  Her screaming, her mean words, her tantrum.  All the while I have to sit there and say "I understand.. you need to stop screaming before we can talk, ya-da, ya-da"  I take the verbal punches one by one " I hate you!, Your not my mom!, Your mean! I'll never look at you! etc..."  Does she mean them? No, and I know that.  Because half the time that she is mad it doesn't even make sense about a half eaten burrito or I touched her bed.  I know she is mad because this break is hard, there is no schedule, and if we do something the next day she is a wreck for over stimulation.

I have been taking it all in.... never yelling, trying to talk.  No one, No one understands what it's like! Do I expect them too? No I don't, at times I would rather stay in my own bubble then explain it.

I just at times need to feel like I'm not alone.  I know my daughter loves me, I know I love her.  This world is not easy for her no matter the mask that she wears most of the time.  We see the true blue S come through at home.

Pray for me to have wisdom, guidance and trust that everything will work out.  She goes back to school  next week and that gives us another re-adjustment.  Breathe....

Progress

This week we had the first of our parent teacher conferences for the school year.  J is doing well but can use some improvement in participating and pushing himself.  He does that a lot in things, he only does what he needs to get by but stays out of sight and is quiet.  That's just my J.  He's also like that in sports he is very athletic but won't fight for it.  I need to figure out a why to make him realize just how terrific he is.  

S's teacher commented on how great a reader she is noting that her strengths are in Organization, neatness and following rules.  Umm... yep, that sounds about right.  However, she needed to work on her comprehension answers in reading, they are too basic and need more thought and input.  Also her math skills she can count by 2's, 3's, 10's etc.. but when you try to start her at another number ex. (start at 100 and count by 2's) she can't do it.  I tried to explain to the teacher that we are well aware of her short comings and that is part of our concern for the future.  Most people can take a skill and apply it elsewhere; Where as S every skill is a new lesson, she has to re learn it in that manner memorize and then lock it in. She can't take this skill and move it over here, not how her brian works.  As far as the deeper comprehension questions well that is all part of her cognitive that we are also working on.  I felt like the teacher gave me a blank stare.  She is just not understanding S.  She tried to say how great she is at Mimicking (ASPERGERS!), Memorizing (ASPERGERS!), however cannot create on her own imagination (ASPERGERS!).  I told her we understand and our working on it.  She claimed that she does not see fits in her class and I assured her that she never will. S doesn't have fits in public she goes mute. Teacher's response "Oh you mean that blank stare that she gets, like she's lost."  YES!!!  I have to say I left frustrated that this teacher doesn't get it.

But a positive note did roll around the next day.. at cognitive therapy-  They were categorizing objects that make her happy and ones that make her sad.  S asked to create one box that makes her worried.  In the box S decided to put - Parties with a lot of kids, or places (reason you can get hurt, touched, pushed, lost, noise..), Legos (don't like when they don't have directions don't know what to do), School (all the work you have to do and it never stops.), Games (she couldn't tell why but it does cause her anxiety). 

I was so proud that she came to define these things on her own.  Will she magically change now? No but it's a stepping stone to help her become aware of herself and I am so proud.  This was huge for us.  They also commented that re-testing for Aspergers. They said it is something to think about in the future (THANK GOD! Finally they are seeing it too.)  

Don't ever give up! Celebrate each success and achievement as it comes! Way to go S!

Thank you

As anyone that reads my blog knows that I have four wonderful children. What most don't know is that before our family was blessed with S and M, we had another dear bundle of joy on the way.   As the time is nearing to what would have been their third birthday, I have found myself thinking about them often. This I don't know maybe happens subconsciously, then I look at the date and see we are nearing what would be their birthday.   My oldest son J, has also been asking or remembering the loss of what he states "my baby brother."

As the saying goes when God closes a door another one opens.  In a very brief summary, our baby would have been born October 15, 2009.  I lost our child in my second trimester.  The door that God chose to open was the blessing of S and M.  A month after they came into my life I looked at the date it was October 15, 2009 that they came to live with us.  God took one and blessed us with another two. 

I have thought often about the day that I will see my child in heaven.  I do believe we see our children that we lost in heaven.  I wonder what they will look like and anticipate to just embrace them.  There is so much I would want to say and Thank them for.

I know many us have lost a child, or miscarried.. and have probably held their birthday's deep in our hearts and reflected and wondered at times about them.  I felt for those reasons to share what I would say

Dearest Child of mine,

I may have not been able to hold you in my arms but, do not think for moment that I have not thought of you.  I have wondered so much about you. I have thought about what you look like? And who you would have been?  There is one thing though that I cannot express to you is the LOVE that I have held for you in my heart.  I have remembered hearing your heartbeat for the first time, or the excitement of hearing we were going to be blessed with you, I have remembered watching you on the screen at the doctors and being awe of God's creation.  

Even writing this, I still feel I hold so much in heart that I can't express. I want you know though how GRATEFUL I am too you for the life that you gave.  You were to be born on October 15,2009 and even though we would have rejoiced in the blessing of watching you grow up.  I don't feel that we would have received or chosen too take in your dear brother M and sister S.  

God took you but I have never questioned him to why.. Who are we to question? I always knew there was a plan that he had.  A couple of months after we lost you, someone asked us to take two other beautiful children into our lives.  You gave your life for two other children to have one.  The day that you would have born is the day that God gave S and M.  The joy that we never could have gotten from you personally has been given ten fold in two amazing little beings.  I thank you for your sacrifice and for letting me a mother still.  

It is nearing what would have been your third birthday.  I think at times what you would be doing now, and who's personality you have. I imagine your face and still stare at times at your ultrasound. I want you know that you will always be my child and be held in my heart. 

I thank you again and as always and forever,  Mommy loves you

Whomever is reading this remember that the Lord always has a plan. I pray that you are blessed. 

(I have decided not proof read this as this is what was being expressed with tears and love)

LIfe as we know it.

The school year has officially began.  S, J and M are doing so good!!  The year is still yearly to see anything regarding S at school.  Other then she spends most recess/lunchtime by herself. Academically she is meeting all standards.

I find that she is like a chamelon. She can camouflage herself for awhile before her true colors began to emerge at school.  She is playing soccer but no games yet.  Last year she would freeze just shut down on the soccer field.  She wanted to play so bad this season, I didn't have the heart to say no.

J is now a BIG third grader and is doing well. A lot harder he says but he is doing it.  He is playing full time travel soccer, and trying out still for travel baseball.  I have put him in some private baseball coaching four times a week on top of two soccer practices a week.  Am I that crazy sports mom? I just want my kids to enjoy themselves.  J is really good at sports but he lacks self confidence, when he is on he is so great to watch then he sees someone better and shuts down.  That could come from both Me and Dad.

An example of my schedule
11:05 - pick up M from kinder
12pm - pick up K from kinder
2:45 - pick up J and S from school
3 - 4pm - Homework for all
4:30 - 5:30 = M practice
5:30- 6:30 - S practice (drop-off)
6 - 7:30pm - J baseball hitting practice (drop-off)
 RUN back to pick up S get there by 6:15
RUN back to pick up J get there by 7pm
Watch J then home we go for dinner

Craziness it all is CRAZINESS I tell you!!  On a side note, I really am praying J makes it on the travel baseball team, he wants it soo.... bad.

S has been going to cognitive therapy on Friday's.  They are trying to start with her opening up and talking about her feelings.  I don't expect some radical changes by October but the other day I found a note in my room.  She must have written it at night or early morning then snuck it in.
"I am sorry for crying 2 times I do not want to be S because I cry to  much y do not like it I am always in traboll. I am not a good kid for you." 
As sad as this was to read the positive note is that she was expressing herself.  I don't know why she felt this way as I had thought we had a good day. S has fits daily but I never yell or punish her for them. I wait till she calms down to discuss. Aspergians/People do notice they are different and her noticing is becoming more frequent.  What do you tell her? Even if I had a diagnosis I wouldn't want to use that as a reason to create an excuse.

Mommas Anxiety

First let's start out with Positive, I need that right now to reflect on.  

I am so proud of J! A while back we made him decide on the sport that he wanted to play full time.  I know some of you may think 8 years old is a little young to make this decision. But, times have changed and everything is so much more competitive.  For J though he is blessed to be good at both baseball and soccer however after much thought he did choose baseball.  With that he has been playing and practicing a ton.  Well nothing is that simple in my family.... after coming back from camping.  We got an email from his soccer coach that they were forming another team with the players that are little above average (nicely worded). He wanted to draft Jaden and didn't see him trying out, so they pulled some strings, and now my son is playing both soccer and baseball year around.  LORD HELP US!!  I am proud of him and have figured out that these sports won't interfere with each other.

Now with Momma's Anxiety....  the kids start school tomorrow and for anyone that has a child on the spectrum we know the anxiety that comes from them with this.  Is there any way to make this transition easier?  

 Mommas Anxiety - knowing the tantrums after and before school, the issues that may arise due to school, what if she gets the teacher I don't want her to have (we find out today.)

 S has been on one for the last couple of days non-stop.  I try to not let her roller coaster life affect me but, it has me wanting to go into a bubble so bad, just jump in my car and drive, drive , DRIVE!!!   I have been reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone; in her chapter on meltdowns and tantrums she talks about how parents need to handle it. When your child is one of these meltdowns there is absolutely no LOGIC, that you shouldn't just put them in their room by themselves to figure it out (which I do) but reassure them through their nonsense then help them through it.   I try to do this but after the 5th one in the day I'm done, I need to learn to be more patient. 

The most important thing for me with all my children is for them to know how much they are loved every day.  Most of the time I am so worn out by 10am that I feel that I fail at this.    So much to learn, to much to change.

Send me your tips other parents for back to school anxiety...

A Breather

My in-laws took the girls earlier this week for a couple of days.  Today I am going to go pick them up.  It was a much needed break.  As the name of my blog states I do have four children, two boys and two girls.  I cannot emphasize enough on the differences of my boys and girls. Love them both equally, girls are just a little more work though.  This week I didn't stay home and do nothing like the week I had just my girls, we did just the opposite.  Boys can just keep going and going. We made it too the waterpark and SeaWorld, I was exhausted by the end of every one of those days, the boys however have energy like an energizer bunny.

It was nice to spend time with them.  They talked non-stop, and asked questions, and also held my hand and let me love them.  When I had the girls it was hard to anything. I don't think that was so much because of them being girls but because of S.  The zoo and SeaWorld she doesn't really care for too much, and so what do you do? You let them be happy playing babies at home.

With S's differences and it being summer time it has been very hard.  It seems like every day that my husband would come home, I would give him the warning "She's on one."  You know that song by Drake " F*%# I'm on one...." I always think of that when I say it.  Her going to my in-laws and now coming home, I pray that it was exactly what the doctor ordered. 

The other week when we went camping, we were leaving the campground and like usual at the end of breaks S just lost it.  Daddy couldn't fix it, or mommy.  I finally either was going to hurt her or scream at her so I just grabbed her and hugged her.  In between her sobs she made a statement "Mommy I don't know why this happens.  I hate coming and going. I can't control this, I don't know why this happens." I told her, that I understand that it's hard for her, that she needs to find something that she can make herself happy and calm herself.  That is why we are going to her therapies to help her.  I didn't tell her though that she is overwhelmed, it is who she is and created to be, that she needs to figure it out to help her in life. 

What do you say to a seven year old girl? Her comments of her differences are becoming more often.  She is starting to see them and I have no way to respond to them.  I don't want to tell her she has Aspergers there is no diagnosis. 

School is starting in three days, THREE DAYS!!! I pray she doesn't get the teacher I don't want her to have and I pray she does well. We were talking about it the other day about how she gets out of her seat and walks around.  S's comment "All they want you to do is work and work and I just want to stop! It never stops!" Oh my baby...

I can't wait though to see my girls little smiles, I do miss them when they are gone.  K is something else that little monkey is one chica that can handle her own and she will tell you something on a drop of a dime. 

Or so I thought...

The other day I posted that LEGOS was our answer. Does S like them? Yes she does.  I found though when watching her do them it's like her reading.  She skips steps, puts pieces on backwards but does her best.  Does it hold her attention? Yes.  Happiness and attention at times are all that matters. However, they are back on the shelf.

Having a child with Aspergers or as I like to say undiagnosed Aspergers, has really and is still teaching me to let things go.  As I have gotten older maybe I have become sort of a control freak.  Maybe it's the four kids that I have that I need control or the Virgo in me.  Either way I am who I am. 

When S came into our family.  I had these dreams of having a little girl that I hold, dress in super girlie clothes, do braids in her long hair, play babies, etc...  S does not like having her hair touched, picks at her nail polish, and likes anything but frillies.  If she could wear the same outfit everyday she would (pink shorts, pink shirt)  she actually does.  For a control freak like me she has taught me to let go of the small things.

I have come up with a name for the way she talks called "akward-nisims" it's those strange comments or words that she makes up and in some way makes sense, sounds, and all the different quirks that she does.  The control freak in me wants to fix what she says, calling a merry-go-round, a "festubal" I can understand that in some way.  Not quite a festival but some what.  Asking why her cousins have "spots" meaning assigned seats in the stroller.
With S though there is a normalcy about her that makes you easily forget she is different.  She can hold eye contact for a short period of time and asks questions (not quite a conversation if you pay attention), she looks normal, loves to sing etc.. It's when things are said and done  in her Aspie logical way.

I think because there is not quite a diagnosis YET, that I have a hard time accepting it.  I am blessed that Children's hospital treats her and gives her therapies as needed.  She just started her cognitive therapy. They say she is a little young to start this. When she met with her new therapist, the therapist commented " it's hard to see right away that there are problems. She does a good job answering questions, however if you pay attention you see it's all surface just answering, no conversation, and she's not actually playing with the toys just moving around the objects." They are going to start teaching her to understand feelings and that there is more then just happy and sad (which she has a hard time understanding those) and her social cues which are starting to affect her schooling

To tell you the truth lately as you can tell I'm having a really hard time with S. I have to hold my tongue  on saying "WHY ARN"T YOU  UNDERSTANDING!!!" Everything I say to her she thinks I'm mad, even when I'm not.  I feel bad for her, it hurts as  a parent waiting, watching as schooling, friends, etc..  seem to move away.

Minus Two

Ahhh... (sigh of relief) my two boys are off to my in-laws for a couple of days.  When one or  more children go somewhere it changes the family dynamic. Don't get me wrong, I am a very hyper person that loves having four children.  However, it is nice to  take a little break for awhile.  We don't have a lot of volunteers offering to take all four children at once but two at a time sure I'll take it.  That even makes the sitter cheaper for just two children if we want to go out.  If you don't know it's about $13/hour for four children.  Add's up fast....

I have these visions and dreams of diving into girlie time or abandonning my two girls with a sitter for a litte while.  I would love to do pedicare/manicures with them, paint ceremics, go shopping, watch musicals, etc...   most likely we will stay home, paint our nails here, and do nothing.  Sounds good too me.

We dropped the boys off with their grandfather and then we took the girls to TOYS R'US.  Since we have four children, we rarely purchase them toys other then Christmas.  They usually recycle toys from the older sibling or play with the same toys year around until next Christmas.  Recently though K came and asked us for a new doll.  Her little babies head is literally falling off, the hair is matted and half bald, and the little body is stained with grime.  It looks like an exorcist doll (REALLY!!) .  I wanted to take S with us to get something new. However here lays the problem - S PLAYS with NOTHING!!! 

We have been through all the little girl fads - polly pockets, my littlest pet shop, barbies, squinkies, coloring books, etc...  With S's disability its hard to find anything that she is truly into.  If she could read the same book all day she would, she usually ends her day this way.  People ask "Why don't you buy her new books?" DUH!!! We do it's part of who she is.  I thought the little toys would cure her love of random objects, and trash.  How closer can we get to trash and random objects then these little junkie toys?

I think we found our answer in LEGOS.  This is a structured toy, with directions.  She cannot or does not know how to use her imagination, while here it lays it out for you.  She doesn't know what to do on her own and wonders around aimlessly. While LEGOS give you step by step instructions.  Believe it or not but she has been doing them for about 11/2 the LONGEST she has EVER done ANYTHING!!!!   side note: at this exact moment a tiny little fly has distracted her and she cannot re-focus. She is searching for it and wanting to kill it.  She heard it before she saw it.

If you are an Aspie or have and Aspie child - What object or toy do they really enjoy doing? 

Catch-up

We are sitting in the middle of summer break.  This summer break has been anything but "taking it easy."  We have done so much since they got out three weeks ago. We've been to Zion national park, Disneyland, the zoo, SeaWorld, etc...  We have a camping trip planned, and some beach days.  We have also been blessed with my sister who has been visiting us for the last couple of weeks from Maryland.  She has two little girls a 10month old, and 2 1/2year old.  We have a house full of little munchkins.

The one thing that I dont' care for that much during our summer break is the homework that they were given.  They have six weeks off and they are suppose to read three chapter books a week, with an hour of online math a week. So it's about 20 min. a day of math.  I have two kids that have to do this along with a soon be kindergartner that has his spanish immersion preperation work to do.  I should just sign-up for homeschooling now.  Maybe I should think about that - Ummm... no...

The kids are changing so much, watching my sister with her little ones has made me see that my little baby time has flown by me.  I did have the crazy thought of wanting one more but having the litlte ones here the last couple of weeks has made me realize how much I truly love my independency as they are getting older. 

There really have been a lot of changes, almost too many too list.  J is getting ready to enter third grade, S is going to second, M is starting kindergarten and I have one more left in preschool. 

We are still battling our day to day issues with all of them.  I wish I could write that S has dramatically improved but the truth is, things have changed and it seems like they are becoming more and more evident in her day to day life.

God's gift to me

God has gifted me with FOUR different children, each one with their own personality.  I am thankful for each one and the lessons that I learn from them even though, at the time of testing and trails I don't understand why or what I am learning.  There are many of times when I want to be as far from them as I can get and of course times when I wish I could just hold them all day long if they would let me.

Someone once said that I have a household of FOUR strong personalities.  That is so true, I don't worry so much about them because they are all so out spoken.  They adore each other and I don't think they could live life without one of them.  They do quite often have their moments of bickering, tattling, and fighting but at the end of the day it always ends in Love.

We teach them that God gave us to each other to teach patience, understanding, kindness and caring.  As I tell them this, I also have to remember the same.  My day to day life is such a roller-coaster of emotions.  I wake each day with a prayer for strength, understanding and patience.  I have to continue this prayer throughout the day and many times within the first hour of waking up and taking them to school.  Car rides are truly the worst.

My children are in such different phases of life.
J is starting what I would call pre-puberty, it's all about image, still a kid but also trying to understand getting older, testing the limits with mom and dad a little more, oh and starting to like girls but not quite sure yet.  
M is a typical five year old boy and I think that is enough said but he does have his anger issues that stem from his biological parents.  We try to teach him understanding, words, and patience on a daily basis.
K is so strong willed, STUBBORN, she is a diva at full force of four year of age. She will tell you on a drop of a dime her opions. K and M are only 14months apart and very much share a Love/hate relationship during the day. Like a married couple ha ha.
We are all so familiar with S. I don't think I need to explain her to you.  

When you put all of their personalities together and a little spice from S added you can see quite the day of ups and downs.  I often find myself asking "Lord, help me to learn what you are trying to show me.  Help me to show them patience and kindness to be understanding of S and J."  It's so hard to step back from day to day and remember to breathe, and to be thankful that I have them.

At this exact moment in time, I want to cry as our journey with S changes almost daily/weekly.  I got a call from Children's Hospital who is in such a mystification of trying to understand what exactly S has or why she is the way she is.  As I have stated and re-stated with just feel it's Aspergers not yet fully diagnosed, all symptoms would be such if she did not have traumatic background.  However, because of her past trauma, they also feel that , that could have put her emotionally/socially/cognitively behind.  I told them that we have been down this route before and that is what started it all,  TWO years ago that the psychiatrist at the time said nope not trauma "Something neurological is not clicking with her."  I told them that I would be willing to go down this road ONE MORE TIME.  They said these people are specially trained (AREN'T THEY ALL!) and they will address all the above.  If however, they say she is not traumatized then we will be back to regular cognitive training.

They thanked me for being such an advocate for my daughter.  I am not to be thanked, she is my daughter! No matter what God hands any of us we always want the best for our children.  It may not come easy and it may come with TONS/MILLIONS of Ups and Downs.  The lessons that we learn as parents cannot even me taught, described, understood.  They are there everyday though, and by God's grace and strength I grip onto another day.  I am so tired of if all at times but I know there must be no other way for me to learn whatever is I am being taught.

I love S, I love J, I love K and I love M for all that they teach me and for their unwavering love. xoxo

The Truth

This weekend was capped off with a bottle of wine with MYSELF.  Ever since school started back up after spring break, we have been back to the grind of it all with S.   Her anxiety is on FULL SPEED, she is back to complaining before school, whining after school, and her other digestive problems.

Her behavioral therapist is meeting with her supervisor to discuss the route that S's therapy should take weather cognitive or social skills first.  It's hard that she needs these therapies but yet does not have a for sure it's Aspergers'.  Is that because she is a girl and it is not yet viewed differently?

Anyone familiar with the bowel movement problems that some children experience?  She does not like the feeling of emptying her bowels and her body eventually becomes sick to empty itself.  Enough said with details of that.  That is though how my Sunday was spent.  I am calling today a nutritionist and her pediatrician to see what they can help me with.

I feel at times that I have to hide who my daughter is or can be.  She is such an amazing, smart, and happy child.  This is what I want people to see and know.  When sometimes she acts different or we have to stay home because she is having a bad day, I feel that people think it's an excuse, or sometimes I just make up another excuse because I don't want to say "my daughter is having a bad day."   To tell the the truth it's because I am trying my best to stay calm, in my bubble, to handle the situation and anything more to my plate I might blow!  I do lose it at times I admit, trying to constantly have the calmness and peace you need is hard and that is the TRUTH.

CST's

So much to write, so little time. First I want to CONGRATULATE my J on doing a GREAT, GREAT job this weekend for baseball!! He got the game ball. He pitched two great innings, made a great play off the mound to first, and a great play on Third to first.  GOOD JOB J!

Today at his school they start their CST testing.  What is it about these testings? Am I the only parent out there that feels they are putting too much pressure on these kids at too young of an age. J already is fluent in two languages he can read, write and speak in English and Spanish.  For only being in Second grad he is doing math that I remember doing in 4th grade, giving full classroom presentations.  S is on the english side and she is at the same level of math as her brother with reading at a 4th grade level for 1st grade!!!

M had to be tested last week for Kindergarten next year - TESTED?! Remember when kindergarten was finger-paints, coloring, shapes and friends.  All the toys are out of the classroom and its all about achieving a high test score. Yes, I looked at the CST scores when I chose my kids school, it did influence my choice however, I hate watching them worry about it like the SAT's.  

The fun of school I feel has been lost to all this great academics. Yes, my kids are 10x smarter then I was at their age and I am very proud of them.  Society is moving at a greater speed and dual languages is a necessity.  I just wish you could have your cake and eat it too with a little teaspoon of FUN added in.  

I am such that lacker mom when it comes to homework, yes we always get it done and turned in on time. But I like the weekends for them just to be kids and I give them a day during the weekdays to not do homework, and that does mean we are cramming a little more on certain days but to let them play, why not.

I understand now how important it is, to grab onto your childhood. It's going to fly right past them.

Trying to understand

We've been weighing the pros and cons with homeschooling S.  These last two weeks of spring break were actually very peaceful. Or as peaceful as we can imagine it to be.  Once school started everything re-started with it.  The whining, complaining, etc... I believe it's the anxiety that S gets before and after school. I don't think I'm the best for her academically.  For the anxiety?

Hubby and I are both on the same page with believing that it is Aspergers.  I've been reading this book called Aspergirls by Rudy Simone.  It's really interesting, the stims and habits that it describes are S's stims and habits.  It really is helping us understand S. It talks about how the chart of diagnosis mostly diagnosis's girls based on the same traits of boys.  However there traits are the same but different.  They are more socially acceptable.  Example: reading, math, etc...  is more of their obsession verses dinosaurs, trains.  When you look at it S loves reading but she is reading the same book for the last couple of months over and over.  Her teacher mentions that she can't describe how she maintained the answer to her math problems, and this is what they want.  Isn't that a gift though? I wish I could do that.  S's response "I did it in my head."

It's great being on the same page with the hubby.  He reminds me to have patience with S.  That she is different.   The hardest thing to watch lately is her school social life is changing.  She is losing friends because of her difference's and habits.  Girls can be mean and unfortunately it's rare that it gets better first they usually get meaner with age. 

Lately her literally translation of the world is becoming more so .  A little girl fell over S the other day and as usual she did not respond correctly to it.  When the teacher asked her if she did anything S response was No. The teacher took it as a lie but I after talking with S she didn't mean to do anything it was an accident therefore she didn't do it.  The teacher pointed out the girls crying.  "BLANK is tough, look you made her cry." S's response "Why is she crying then?"  S wasn't trying to be rude, she was asking the question.

Also she is having a HUGE, problem with staying in her seat.  She wants to touch the other kids, instruct, help the others.  She knows the rules to ask before getting out of her seat.  She's not done with her work so it's not boredom.  We are at wits end to how to handle it.  Her teacher spoke to her on Monday we spoke to her on the weekend.  When Wednesday rolled around I asked S "Didn't Mrs. BLANK speak to you about this on Monday?"  S - "Yes, she said don't get out of your seat today, but she didn't mention tomorrow or the day after."  AGGGHHH!!!! Can't someone see this?!!! It's not her fault, it's who she is.  And as a parent I have to watch the world move away from her while were trying to fight for her to understand it.

LIfe is still going....

It's been some time since the last time I wrote.  I debated on stopping the blog, changing the title, etc..  A lot of changes have been made in my family and I still don't know how much I can write and not write.   One huge celebration was that we celebrated the OFFICIAL ADOPTION of S and M.  They are now and forever will be our little ones!

Now that the adoption is final, I have been tossing the idea of writing a book about our journey. However, I think that I will add that thought into the CRAZY pile, because as much as I want that to happen, I don't see it happening anytime soon.

Let's just jump in:
S has been going to Behavioral therapy at Children's Hospital Autism Center on a weekly basis.  As you most know they didn't diagnosis her with Aspergers or PDD-NOS (She makes eye contact!) however, they realized that the therapies could be beneficial to her due to her lack of communication skills, and understanding.   She has really improved in a lot of areas, her fits are not a 20 min. hitting and screaming fest.  At this moment she is using an "emotional toolbox" That is a box with a bunch of different calming techniques (breathing, reading, jumping etc...) when she gets upset I send her to her room to find something to calm down then after we talk about it, use an emotional scale to show where she is at, then we have to write it down.

She also has a "play box" since she has a hard time playing or creating her own play.  In this box is a bunch of different activities that she can pick from, then we set a timer for 30min. for the chosen activity.  She is getting the handle of it.  My life is full of charts,  sometimes they work and sometimes they don't.

The whole point of the charts is to teach her to do this stuff on her own, but I'm the one tracking.  At times I want to throw them all away and just give up. "SAY FORGET IT!! I"M CRAZY." Then something or someone sees a change or notices a behavior and I know I'm not. 

Overall her schooling is doing very well. She is above her grade level in most areas and she has friends.  She is still having a few social issues that the school is trying to help with.

So what is the problem then - It sounds like she's doing great?!  Believe me there are still plenty of issues that ensue.

I love her so much that I would literally die for her, I would take my own life if I knew it would someway help. Over dramatic much? No it's not.  Everything I do for her is too try to shape her into a functioning adult that will make rational choices.  Her choices now have NO LOGIC, lying, yelling, etc... it worries me.  It happens at home mostly because they say we are her "Safe Haven" she loves you the most and can let it all out.

Isn't home the most important part in ones life? Home is where you truly become the person you will be.  As parents we are the ones that shape our children, not the teachers.  We are the ones... that matter.  If your home life isn't good, then nothing else will be. So what do you do when things are so crazy at times, are these the memories you are making? 

No they aren't because even during the hard there are tons of wonderful!