Mommas Anxiety

First let's start out with Positive, I need that right now to reflect on.  

I am so proud of J! A while back we made him decide on the sport that he wanted to play full time.  I know some of you may think 8 years old is a little young to make this decision. But, times have changed and everything is so much more competitive.  For J though he is blessed to be good at both baseball and soccer however after much thought he did choose baseball.  With that he has been playing and practicing a ton.  Well nothing is that simple in my family.... after coming back from camping.  We got an email from his soccer coach that they were forming another team with the players that are little above average (nicely worded). He wanted to draft Jaden and didn't see him trying out, so they pulled some strings, and now my son is playing both soccer and baseball year around.  LORD HELP US!!  I am proud of him and have figured out that these sports won't interfere with each other.

Now with Momma's Anxiety....  the kids start school tomorrow and for anyone that has a child on the spectrum we know the anxiety that comes from them with this.  Is there any way to make this transition easier?  

 Mommas Anxiety - knowing the tantrums after and before school, the issues that may arise due to school, what if she gets the teacher I don't want her to have (we find out today.)

 S has been on one for the last couple of days non-stop.  I try to not let her roller coaster life affect me but, it has me wanting to go into a bubble so bad, just jump in my car and drive, drive , DRIVE!!!   I have been reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone; in her chapter on meltdowns and tantrums she talks about how parents need to handle it. When your child is one of these meltdowns there is absolutely no LOGIC, that you shouldn't just put them in their room by themselves to figure it out (which I do) but reassure them through their nonsense then help them through it.   I try to do this but after the 5th one in the day I'm done, I need to learn to be more patient. 

The most important thing for me with all my children is for them to know how much they are loved every day.  Most of the time I am so worn out by 10am that I feel that I fail at this.    So much to learn, to much to change.

Send me your tips other parents for back to school anxiety...

A Breather

My in-laws took the girls earlier this week for a couple of days.  Today I am going to go pick them up.  It was a much needed break.  As the name of my blog states I do have four children, two boys and two girls.  I cannot emphasize enough on the differences of my boys and girls. Love them both equally, girls are just a little more work though.  This week I didn't stay home and do nothing like the week I had just my girls, we did just the opposite.  Boys can just keep going and going. We made it too the waterpark and SeaWorld, I was exhausted by the end of every one of those days, the boys however have energy like an energizer bunny.

It was nice to spend time with them.  They talked non-stop, and asked questions, and also held my hand and let me love them.  When I had the girls it was hard to anything. I don't think that was so much because of them being girls but because of S.  The zoo and SeaWorld she doesn't really care for too much, and so what do you do? You let them be happy playing babies at home.

With S's differences and it being summer time it has been very hard.  It seems like every day that my husband would come home, I would give him the warning "She's on one."  You know that song by Drake " F*%# I'm on one...." I always think of that when I say it.  Her going to my in-laws and now coming home, I pray that it was exactly what the doctor ordered. 

The other week when we went camping, we were leaving the campground and like usual at the end of breaks S just lost it.  Daddy couldn't fix it, or mommy.  I finally either was going to hurt her or scream at her so I just grabbed her and hugged her.  In between her sobs she made a statement "Mommy I don't know why this happens.  I hate coming and going. I can't control this, I don't know why this happens." I told her, that I understand that it's hard for her, that she needs to find something that she can make herself happy and calm herself.  That is why we are going to her therapies to help her.  I didn't tell her though that she is overwhelmed, it is who she is and created to be, that she needs to figure it out to help her in life. 

What do you say to a seven year old girl? Her comments of her differences are becoming more often.  She is starting to see them and I have no way to respond to them.  I don't want to tell her she has Aspergers there is no diagnosis. 

School is starting in three days, THREE DAYS!!! I pray she doesn't get the teacher I don't want her to have and I pray she does well. We were talking about it the other day about how she gets out of her seat and walks around.  S's comment "All they want you to do is work and work and I just want to stop! It never stops!" Oh my baby...

I can't wait though to see my girls little smiles, I do miss them when they are gone.  K is something else that little monkey is one chica that can handle her own and she will tell you something on a drop of a dime. 

Or so I thought...

The other day I posted that LEGOS was our answer. Does S like them? Yes she does.  I found though when watching her do them it's like her reading.  She skips steps, puts pieces on backwards but does her best.  Does it hold her attention? Yes.  Happiness and attention at times are all that matters. However, they are back on the shelf.

Having a child with Aspergers or as I like to say undiagnosed Aspergers, has really and is still teaching me to let things go.  As I have gotten older maybe I have become sort of a control freak.  Maybe it's the four kids that I have that I need control or the Virgo in me.  Either way I am who I am. 

When S came into our family.  I had these dreams of having a little girl that I hold, dress in super girlie clothes, do braids in her long hair, play babies, etc...  S does not like having her hair touched, picks at her nail polish, and likes anything but frillies.  If she could wear the same outfit everyday she would (pink shorts, pink shirt)  she actually does.  For a control freak like me she has taught me to let go of the small things.

I have come up with a name for the way she talks called "akward-nisims" it's those strange comments or words that she makes up and in some way makes sense, sounds, and all the different quirks that she does.  The control freak in me wants to fix what she says, calling a merry-go-round, a "festubal" I can understand that in some way.  Not quite a festival but some what.  Asking why her cousins have "spots" meaning assigned seats in the stroller.
With S though there is a normalcy about her that makes you easily forget she is different.  She can hold eye contact for a short period of time and asks questions (not quite a conversation if you pay attention), she looks normal, loves to sing etc.. It's when things are said and done  in her Aspie logical way.

I think because there is not quite a diagnosis YET, that I have a hard time accepting it.  I am blessed that Children's hospital treats her and gives her therapies as needed.  She just started her cognitive therapy. They say she is a little young to start this. When she met with her new therapist, the therapist commented " it's hard to see right away that there are problems. She does a good job answering questions, however if you pay attention you see it's all surface just answering, no conversation, and she's not actually playing with the toys just moving around the objects." They are going to start teaching her to understand feelings and that there is more then just happy and sad (which she has a hard time understanding those) and her social cues which are starting to affect her schooling

To tell you the truth lately as you can tell I'm having a really hard time with S. I have to hold my tongue  on saying "WHY ARN"T YOU  UNDERSTANDING!!!" Everything I say to her she thinks I'm mad, even when I'm not.  I feel bad for her, it hurts as  a parent waiting, watching as schooling, friends, etc..  seem to move away.

Minus Two

Ahhh... (sigh of relief) my two boys are off to my in-laws for a couple of days.  When one or  more children go somewhere it changes the family dynamic. Don't get me wrong, I am a very hyper person that loves having four children.  However, it is nice to  take a little break for awhile.  We don't have a lot of volunteers offering to take all four children at once but two at a time sure I'll take it.  That even makes the sitter cheaper for just two children if we want to go out.  If you don't know it's about $13/hour for four children.  Add's up fast....

I have these visions and dreams of diving into girlie time or abandonning my two girls with a sitter for a litte while.  I would love to do pedicare/manicures with them, paint ceremics, go shopping, watch musicals, etc...   most likely we will stay home, paint our nails here, and do nothing.  Sounds good too me.

We dropped the boys off with their grandfather and then we took the girls to TOYS R'US.  Since we have four children, we rarely purchase them toys other then Christmas.  They usually recycle toys from the older sibling or play with the same toys year around until next Christmas.  Recently though K came and asked us for a new doll.  Her little babies head is literally falling off, the hair is matted and half bald, and the little body is stained with grime.  It looks like an exorcist doll (REALLY!!) .  I wanted to take S with us to get something new. However here lays the problem - S PLAYS with NOTHING!!! 

We have been through all the little girl fads - polly pockets, my littlest pet shop, barbies, squinkies, coloring books, etc...  With S's disability its hard to find anything that she is truly into.  If she could read the same book all day she would, she usually ends her day this way.  People ask "Why don't you buy her new books?" DUH!!! We do it's part of who she is.  I thought the little toys would cure her love of random objects, and trash.  How closer can we get to trash and random objects then these little junkie toys?

I think we found our answer in LEGOS.  This is a structured toy, with directions.  She cannot or does not know how to use her imagination, while here it lays it out for you.  She doesn't know what to do on her own and wonders around aimlessly. While LEGOS give you step by step instructions.  Believe it or not but she has been doing them for about 11/2 the LONGEST she has EVER done ANYTHING!!!!   side note: at this exact moment a tiny little fly has distracted her and she cannot re-focus. She is searching for it and wanting to kill it.  She heard it before she saw it.

If you are an Aspie or have and Aspie child - What object or toy do they really enjoy doing? 

Catch-up

We are sitting in the middle of summer break.  This summer break has been anything but "taking it easy."  We have done so much since they got out three weeks ago. We've been to Zion national park, Disneyland, the zoo, SeaWorld, etc...  We have a camping trip planned, and some beach days.  We have also been blessed with my sister who has been visiting us for the last couple of weeks from Maryland.  She has two little girls a 10month old, and 2 1/2year old.  We have a house full of little munchkins.

The one thing that I dont' care for that much during our summer break is the homework that they were given.  They have six weeks off and they are suppose to read three chapter books a week, with an hour of online math a week. So it's about 20 min. a day of math.  I have two kids that have to do this along with a soon be kindergartner that has his spanish immersion preperation work to do.  I should just sign-up for homeschooling now.  Maybe I should think about that - Ummm... no...

The kids are changing so much, watching my sister with her little ones has made me see that my little baby time has flown by me.  I did have the crazy thought of wanting one more but having the litlte ones here the last couple of weeks has made me realize how much I truly love my independency as they are getting older. 

There really have been a lot of changes, almost too many too list.  J is getting ready to enter third grade, S is going to second, M is starting kindergarten and I have one more left in preschool. 

We are still battling our day to day issues with all of them.  I wish I could write that S has dramatically improved but the truth is, things have changed and it seems like they are becoming more and more evident in her day to day life.

God's gift to me

God has gifted me with FOUR different children, each one with their own personality.  I am thankful for each one and the lessons that I learn from them even though, at the time of testing and trails I don't understand why or what I am learning.  There are many of times when I want to be as far from them as I can get and of course times when I wish I could just hold them all day long if they would let me.

Someone once said that I have a household of FOUR strong personalities.  That is so true, I don't worry so much about them because they are all so out spoken.  They adore each other and I don't think they could live life without one of them.  They do quite often have their moments of bickering, tattling, and fighting but at the end of the day it always ends in Love.

We teach them that God gave us to each other to teach patience, understanding, kindness and caring.  As I tell them this, I also have to remember the same.  My day to day life is such a roller-coaster of emotions.  I wake each day with a prayer for strength, understanding and patience.  I have to continue this prayer throughout the day and many times within the first hour of waking up and taking them to school.  Car rides are truly the worst.

My children are in such different phases of life.
J is starting what I would call pre-puberty, it's all about image, still a kid but also trying to understand getting older, testing the limits with mom and dad a little more, oh and starting to like girls but not quite sure yet.  
M is a typical five year old boy and I think that is enough said but he does have his anger issues that stem from his biological parents.  We try to teach him understanding, words, and patience on a daily basis.
K is so strong willed, STUBBORN, she is a diva at full force of four year of age. She will tell you on a drop of a dime her opions. K and M are only 14months apart and very much share a Love/hate relationship during the day. Like a married couple ha ha.
We are all so familiar with S. I don't think I need to explain her to you.  

When you put all of their personalities together and a little spice from S added you can see quite the day of ups and downs.  I often find myself asking "Lord, help me to learn what you are trying to show me.  Help me to show them patience and kindness to be understanding of S and J."  It's so hard to step back from day to day and remember to breathe, and to be thankful that I have them.

At this exact moment in time, I want to cry as our journey with S changes almost daily/weekly.  I got a call from Children's Hospital who is in such a mystification of trying to understand what exactly S has or why she is the way she is.  As I have stated and re-stated with just feel it's Aspergers not yet fully diagnosed, all symptoms would be such if she did not have traumatic background.  However, because of her past trauma, they also feel that , that could have put her emotionally/socially/cognitively behind.  I told them that we have been down this route before and that is what started it all,  TWO years ago that the psychiatrist at the time said nope not trauma "Something neurological is not clicking with her."  I told them that I would be willing to go down this road ONE MORE TIME.  They said these people are specially trained (AREN'T THEY ALL!) and they will address all the above.  If however, they say she is not traumatized then we will be back to regular cognitive training.

They thanked me for being such an advocate for my daughter.  I am not to be thanked, she is my daughter! No matter what God hands any of us we always want the best for our children.  It may not come easy and it may come with TONS/MILLIONS of Ups and Downs.  The lessons that we learn as parents cannot even me taught, described, understood.  They are there everyday though, and by God's grace and strength I grip onto another day.  I am so tired of if all at times but I know there must be no other way for me to learn whatever is I am being taught.

I love S, I love J, I love K and I love M for all that they teach me and for their unwavering love. xoxo

The Truth

This weekend was capped off with a bottle of wine with MYSELF.  Ever since school started back up after spring break, we have been back to the grind of it all with S.   Her anxiety is on FULL SPEED, she is back to complaining before school, whining after school, and her other digestive problems.

Her behavioral therapist is meeting with her supervisor to discuss the route that S's therapy should take weather cognitive or social skills first.  It's hard that she needs these therapies but yet does not have a for sure it's Aspergers'.  Is that because she is a girl and it is not yet viewed differently?

Anyone familiar with the bowel movement problems that some children experience?  She does not like the feeling of emptying her bowels and her body eventually becomes sick to empty itself.  Enough said with details of that.  That is though how my Sunday was spent.  I am calling today a nutritionist and her pediatrician to see what they can help me with.

I feel at times that I have to hide who my daughter is or can be.  She is such an amazing, smart, and happy child.  This is what I want people to see and know.  When sometimes she acts different or we have to stay home because she is having a bad day, I feel that people think it's an excuse, or sometimes I just make up another excuse because I don't want to say "my daughter is having a bad day."   To tell the the truth it's because I am trying my best to stay calm, in my bubble, to handle the situation and anything more to my plate I might blow!  I do lose it at times I admit, trying to constantly have the calmness and peace you need is hard and that is the TRUTH.