Thank you

As anyone that reads my blog knows that I have four wonderful children. What most don't know is that before our family was blessed with S and M, we had another dear bundle of joy on the way.   As the time is nearing to what would have been their third birthday, I have found myself thinking about them often. This I don't know maybe happens subconsciously, then I look at the date and see we are nearing what would be their birthday.   My oldest son J, has also been asking or remembering the loss of what he states "my baby brother."

As the saying goes when God closes a door another one opens.  In a very brief summary, our baby would have been born October 15, 2009.  I lost our child in my second trimester.  The door that God chose to open was the blessing of S and M.  A month after they came into my life I looked at the date it was October 15, 2009 that they came to live with us.  God took one and blessed us with another two. 

I have thought often about the day that I will see my child in heaven.  I do believe we see our children that we lost in heaven.  I wonder what they will look like and anticipate to just embrace them.  There is so much I would want to say and Thank them for.

I know many us have lost a child, or miscarried.. and have probably held their birthday's deep in our hearts and reflected and wondered at times about them.  I felt for those reasons to share what I would say

Dearest Child of mine,

I may have not been able to hold you in my arms but, do not think for moment that I have not thought of you.  I have wondered so much about you. I have thought about what you look like? And who you would have been?  There is one thing though that I cannot express to you is the LOVE that I have held for you in my heart.  I have remembered hearing your heartbeat for the first time, or the excitement of hearing we were going to be blessed with you, I have remembered watching you on the screen at the doctors and being awe of God's creation.  

Even writing this, I still feel I hold so much in heart that I can't express. I want you know though how GRATEFUL I am too you for the life that you gave.  You were to be born on October 15,2009 and even though we would have rejoiced in the blessing of watching you grow up.  I don't feel that we would have received or chosen too take in your dear brother M and sister S.  

God took you but I have never questioned him to why.. Who are we to question? I always knew there was a plan that he had.  A couple of months after we lost you, someone asked us to take two other beautiful children into our lives.  You gave your life for two other children to have one.  The day that you would have born is the day that God gave S and M.  The joy that we never could have gotten from you personally has been given ten fold in two amazing little beings.  I thank you for your sacrifice and for letting me a mother still.  

It is nearing what would have been your third birthday.  I think at times what you would be doing now, and who's personality you have. I imagine your face and still stare at times at your ultrasound. I want you know that you will always be my child and be held in my heart. 

I thank you again and as always and forever,  Mommy loves you

Whomever is reading this remember that the Lord always has a plan. I pray that you are blessed. 

(I have decided not proof read this as this is what was being expressed with tears and love)

LIfe as we know it.

The school year has officially began.  S, J and M are doing so good!!  The year is still yearly to see anything regarding S at school.  Other then she spends most recess/lunchtime by herself. Academically she is meeting all standards.

I find that she is like a chamelon. She can camouflage herself for awhile before her true colors began to emerge at school.  She is playing soccer but no games yet.  Last year she would freeze just shut down on the soccer field.  She wanted to play so bad this season, I didn't have the heart to say no.

J is now a BIG third grader and is doing well. A lot harder he says but he is doing it.  He is playing full time travel soccer, and trying out still for travel baseball.  I have put him in some private baseball coaching four times a week on top of two soccer practices a week.  Am I that crazy sports mom? I just want my kids to enjoy themselves.  J is really good at sports but he lacks self confidence, when he is on he is so great to watch then he sees someone better and shuts down.  That could come from both Me and Dad.

An example of my schedule
11:05 - pick up M from kinder
12pm - pick up K from kinder
2:45 - pick up J and S from school
3 - 4pm - Homework for all
4:30 - 5:30 = M practice
5:30- 6:30 - S practice (drop-off)
6 - 7:30pm - J baseball hitting practice (drop-off)
 RUN back to pick up S get there by 6:15
RUN back to pick up J get there by 7pm
Watch J then home we go for dinner

Craziness it all is CRAZINESS I tell you!!  On a side note, I really am praying J makes it on the travel baseball team, he wants it soo.... bad.

S has been going to cognitive therapy on Friday's.  They are trying to start with her opening up and talking about her feelings.  I don't expect some radical changes by October but the other day I found a note in my room.  She must have written it at night or early morning then snuck it in.
"I am sorry for crying 2 times I do not want to be S because I cry to  much y do not like it I am always in traboll. I am not a good kid for you." 
As sad as this was to read the positive note is that she was expressing herself.  I don't know why she felt this way as I had thought we had a good day. S has fits daily but I never yell or punish her for them. I wait till she calms down to discuss. Aspergians/People do notice they are different and her noticing is becoming more frequent.  What do you tell her? Even if I had a diagnosis I wouldn't want to use that as a reason to create an excuse.

Mommas Anxiety

First let's start out with Positive, I need that right now to reflect on.  

I am so proud of J! A while back we made him decide on the sport that he wanted to play full time.  I know some of you may think 8 years old is a little young to make this decision. But, times have changed and everything is so much more competitive.  For J though he is blessed to be good at both baseball and soccer however after much thought he did choose baseball.  With that he has been playing and practicing a ton.  Well nothing is that simple in my family.... after coming back from camping.  We got an email from his soccer coach that they were forming another team with the players that are little above average (nicely worded). He wanted to draft Jaden and didn't see him trying out, so they pulled some strings, and now my son is playing both soccer and baseball year around.  LORD HELP US!!  I am proud of him and have figured out that these sports won't interfere with each other.

Now with Momma's Anxiety....  the kids start school tomorrow and for anyone that has a child on the spectrum we know the anxiety that comes from them with this.  Is there any way to make this transition easier?  

 Mommas Anxiety - knowing the tantrums after and before school, the issues that may arise due to school, what if she gets the teacher I don't want her to have (we find out today.)

 S has been on one for the last couple of days non-stop.  I try to not let her roller coaster life affect me but, it has me wanting to go into a bubble so bad, just jump in my car and drive, drive , DRIVE!!!   I have been reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone; in her chapter on meltdowns and tantrums she talks about how parents need to handle it. When your child is one of these meltdowns there is absolutely no LOGIC, that you shouldn't just put them in their room by themselves to figure it out (which I do) but reassure them through their nonsense then help them through it.   I try to do this but after the 5th one in the day I'm done, I need to learn to be more patient. 

The most important thing for me with all my children is for them to know how much they are loved every day.  Most of the time I am so worn out by 10am that I feel that I fail at this.    So much to learn, to much to change.

Send me your tips other parents for back to school anxiety...

A Breather

My in-laws took the girls earlier this week for a couple of days.  Today I am going to go pick them up.  It was a much needed break.  As the name of my blog states I do have four children, two boys and two girls.  I cannot emphasize enough on the differences of my boys and girls. Love them both equally, girls are just a little more work though.  This week I didn't stay home and do nothing like the week I had just my girls, we did just the opposite.  Boys can just keep going and going. We made it too the waterpark and SeaWorld, I was exhausted by the end of every one of those days, the boys however have energy like an energizer bunny.

It was nice to spend time with them.  They talked non-stop, and asked questions, and also held my hand and let me love them.  When I had the girls it was hard to anything. I don't think that was so much because of them being girls but because of S.  The zoo and SeaWorld she doesn't really care for too much, and so what do you do? You let them be happy playing babies at home.

With S's differences and it being summer time it has been very hard.  It seems like every day that my husband would come home, I would give him the warning "She's on one."  You know that song by Drake " F*%# I'm on one...." I always think of that when I say it.  Her going to my in-laws and now coming home, I pray that it was exactly what the doctor ordered. 

The other week when we went camping, we were leaving the campground and like usual at the end of breaks S just lost it.  Daddy couldn't fix it, or mommy.  I finally either was going to hurt her or scream at her so I just grabbed her and hugged her.  In between her sobs she made a statement "Mommy I don't know why this happens.  I hate coming and going. I can't control this, I don't know why this happens." I told her, that I understand that it's hard for her, that she needs to find something that she can make herself happy and calm herself.  That is why we are going to her therapies to help her.  I didn't tell her though that she is overwhelmed, it is who she is and created to be, that she needs to figure it out to help her in life. 

What do you say to a seven year old girl? Her comments of her differences are becoming more often.  She is starting to see them and I have no way to respond to them.  I don't want to tell her she has Aspergers there is no diagnosis. 

School is starting in three days, THREE DAYS!!! I pray she doesn't get the teacher I don't want her to have and I pray she does well. We were talking about it the other day about how she gets out of her seat and walks around.  S's comment "All they want you to do is work and work and I just want to stop! It never stops!" Oh my baby...

I can't wait though to see my girls little smiles, I do miss them when they are gone.  K is something else that little monkey is one chica that can handle her own and she will tell you something on a drop of a dime. 

Or so I thought...

The other day I posted that LEGOS was our answer. Does S like them? Yes she does.  I found though when watching her do them it's like her reading.  She skips steps, puts pieces on backwards but does her best.  Does it hold her attention? Yes.  Happiness and attention at times are all that matters. However, they are back on the shelf.

Having a child with Aspergers or as I like to say undiagnosed Aspergers, has really and is still teaching me to let things go.  As I have gotten older maybe I have become sort of a control freak.  Maybe it's the four kids that I have that I need control or the Virgo in me.  Either way I am who I am. 

When S came into our family.  I had these dreams of having a little girl that I hold, dress in super girlie clothes, do braids in her long hair, play babies, etc...  S does not like having her hair touched, picks at her nail polish, and likes anything but frillies.  If she could wear the same outfit everyday she would (pink shorts, pink shirt)  she actually does.  For a control freak like me she has taught me to let go of the small things.

I have come up with a name for the way she talks called "akward-nisims" it's those strange comments or words that she makes up and in some way makes sense, sounds, and all the different quirks that she does.  The control freak in me wants to fix what she says, calling a merry-go-round, a "festubal" I can understand that in some way.  Not quite a festival but some what.  Asking why her cousins have "spots" meaning assigned seats in the stroller.
With S though there is a normalcy about her that makes you easily forget she is different.  She can hold eye contact for a short period of time and asks questions (not quite a conversation if you pay attention), she looks normal, loves to sing etc.. It's when things are said and done  in her Aspie logical way.

I think because there is not quite a diagnosis YET, that I have a hard time accepting it.  I am blessed that Children's hospital treats her and gives her therapies as needed.  She just started her cognitive therapy. They say she is a little young to start this. When she met with her new therapist, the therapist commented " it's hard to see right away that there are problems. She does a good job answering questions, however if you pay attention you see it's all surface just answering, no conversation, and she's not actually playing with the toys just moving around the objects." They are going to start teaching her to understand feelings and that there is more then just happy and sad (which she has a hard time understanding those) and her social cues which are starting to affect her schooling

To tell you the truth lately as you can tell I'm having a really hard time with S. I have to hold my tongue  on saying "WHY ARN"T YOU  UNDERSTANDING!!!" Everything I say to her she thinks I'm mad, even when I'm not.  I feel bad for her, it hurts as  a parent waiting, watching as schooling, friends, etc..  seem to move away.

Minus Two

Ahhh... (sigh of relief) my two boys are off to my in-laws for a couple of days.  When one or  more children go somewhere it changes the family dynamic. Don't get me wrong, I am a very hyper person that loves having four children.  However, it is nice to  take a little break for awhile.  We don't have a lot of volunteers offering to take all four children at once but two at a time sure I'll take it.  That even makes the sitter cheaper for just two children if we want to go out.  If you don't know it's about $13/hour for four children.  Add's up fast....

I have these visions and dreams of diving into girlie time or abandonning my two girls with a sitter for a litte while.  I would love to do pedicare/manicures with them, paint ceremics, go shopping, watch musicals, etc...   most likely we will stay home, paint our nails here, and do nothing.  Sounds good too me.

We dropped the boys off with their grandfather and then we took the girls to TOYS R'US.  Since we have four children, we rarely purchase them toys other then Christmas.  They usually recycle toys from the older sibling or play with the same toys year around until next Christmas.  Recently though K came and asked us for a new doll.  Her little babies head is literally falling off, the hair is matted and half bald, and the little body is stained with grime.  It looks like an exorcist doll (REALLY!!) .  I wanted to take S with us to get something new. However here lays the problem - S PLAYS with NOTHING!!! 

We have been through all the little girl fads - polly pockets, my littlest pet shop, barbies, squinkies, coloring books, etc...  With S's disability its hard to find anything that she is truly into.  If she could read the same book all day she would, she usually ends her day this way.  People ask "Why don't you buy her new books?" DUH!!! We do it's part of who she is.  I thought the little toys would cure her love of random objects, and trash.  How closer can we get to trash and random objects then these little junkie toys?

I think we found our answer in LEGOS.  This is a structured toy, with directions.  She cannot or does not know how to use her imagination, while here it lays it out for you.  She doesn't know what to do on her own and wonders around aimlessly. While LEGOS give you step by step instructions.  Believe it or not but she has been doing them for about 11/2 the LONGEST she has EVER done ANYTHING!!!!   side note: at this exact moment a tiny little fly has distracted her and she cannot re-focus. She is searching for it and wanting to kill it.  She heard it before she saw it.

If you are an Aspie or have and Aspie child - What object or toy do they really enjoy doing? 

Catch-up

We are sitting in the middle of summer break.  This summer break has been anything but "taking it easy."  We have done so much since they got out three weeks ago. We've been to Zion national park, Disneyland, the zoo, SeaWorld, etc...  We have a camping trip planned, and some beach days.  We have also been blessed with my sister who has been visiting us for the last couple of weeks from Maryland.  She has two little girls a 10month old, and 2 1/2year old.  We have a house full of little munchkins.

The one thing that I dont' care for that much during our summer break is the homework that they were given.  They have six weeks off and they are suppose to read three chapter books a week, with an hour of online math a week. So it's about 20 min. a day of math.  I have two kids that have to do this along with a soon be kindergartner that has his spanish immersion preperation work to do.  I should just sign-up for homeschooling now.  Maybe I should think about that - Ummm... no...

The kids are changing so much, watching my sister with her little ones has made me see that my little baby time has flown by me.  I did have the crazy thought of wanting one more but having the litlte ones here the last couple of weeks has made me realize how much I truly love my independency as they are getting older. 

There really have been a lot of changes, almost too many too list.  J is getting ready to enter third grade, S is going to second, M is starting kindergarten and I have one more left in preschool. 

We are still battling our day to day issues with all of them.  I wish I could write that S has dramatically improved but the truth is, things have changed and it seems like they are becoming more and more evident in her day to day life.