I feel alone...real alone. If I started this blog to be honest, brutally honest and for therapeutic reasons then I have to tell the truth and this is the truth. I feel like the worst mom in the world and alone. My husband is gone and even if he was here it's not like he is the stay at home one. My wrist aches from holding S all day due to her rages and fits. I probably did this one to myself. I decided to skip church because I thought "Let's all just have a good enjoyable day at home, watching movies, playing outside, whatever sounds good..." deep down I know that these days with S never end good. It's like the anxiety of having to play, to create or decide what to do plus the no schedule just throws her into a loop de loop of anger.
It's 2:36pm and I am so ready for bedtime. It started when they all went out to play, she always wants whatever someone else has even if she's preoccupied with something else. Then it's like a huge wagon that is just flying downhill. You know that your not going to catch up with it, you know it's going to hit something and cause damage either upon itself or others. But you try anyways, you run full steam ahead reaching for it with one hand, thinking oh I almost have it then BAM it's all over the place. That is EXACTLY what happened today.
I don't know how to control this other then what everyone wants to say "You need to create a schedule for her, she needs to know what comes next." How many of us truly live our life's like this when we are home. I have FOUR kids I never know what's coming next. I try, I really do try to prepare her if I can. There are days like today where I just can't lay out - First, Next, Then...
Needless to say the whole day has pretty much been spent trying to console her of her nonsense, her anger for just yelling at anyone that dares looks at her. After one of these HOUR events, she came down to eat her lunch and immediately started accusing everyone that they ate her food because a cracker was cracked. I pleaded with her softly and ended up taking her outside like a baby, walking her around the block as she muttered about her food being old, I shushed her and patted her till she calmed down then sent her up for her nap. Now 20min. later she is still up screaming her head off at me about some BS. I put her in our garage/playroom so the others can sleep. My wrist hurts from holding her. My eyes hurt from crying. I just want someone to tell me exactly what to do.
I am tired... I felt bad when daddy called in between all this and I couldn't talk. I want to be held, loved and reassured. I never once screamed at her, just a lot of "Yes S, I hear you, yes I know, no your food is not old, yes S... etc,,," So for those of you that read this don't ever try to tell me that my daughter is just NORMAL and that it's all in my head or because of her hard pervious life. It's in the good times, in her excitement that it shows and in the bad. Yesterday she repeatedly asked me where we were going all the way to the birthday party whose house we have been to so many times before. She was so excited, just so she could repeat back "We are going to BLANKS birthday party." I know that there is a community of people dealing with this, but it doesn't help you to feel any more part of team when your handling it right then and there. I am sorry for this post. It's just life... God picked me for a reason and I pray He keeps filling me with His strength.
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