Don't Compare

I try to start this blog with my blessings but here is what I HATE!  Do not compare your life to mine because you have no idea!!! Within my friends and family, I try not to give them my story.  When they ask how things are going - I tend to give them a very watered down version, or say it's good.  Unless you have a child that has cognitive, emotional, social disabilities, Aspergers, Autism or another disability you cannot even imagine a glimpse into my life.

I do what I do for my child because I love them! God has given me a true understanding of His unconditional Love.  The never ending patience that it takes to speak kindly to someone during a tantrum, rage, etc.. to remain calm and know that you are doing your best.  I pray for an out pouring of kindness and Love not so much patience, it's Love that I need to show.

When I am able to laugh at my day, it's me taking a step out of myself and just laughing at the literal viewpoint of my child.  If I told her, she can do something when pigs fly, I think she honestly would wait outside for them to fly, change that I KNOW she would.  OR ask if that can really happen?

Everyday I since I started homeschool I wake up thinking did I do the right thing?  Is this benefitting my child?  Every time she has a break down because of going to campus (2xaweek) I know I did.  When she is overwhelmed in public stores, theme parks, I am blessed she doesn't have a fit there (anymore) but tries to climb as close to me as she can.  Hint: I said there, she saves that for at home.

I am learning with my child, how to make the world in textbooks one she can touch and hold.  Everything has to become a manipulative even vocabulary (which is not a favorite subject).

Everyday when I wake I pray for the Grace of God to help me to explain things to my child to get through the day, to learn how to help her understand the world, and more so help to understand her viewpoint.  I wonder what her future will hold.  We are in third grad doing, second grade work.  My child does not understand opposites because, that just doesn't make sense in her mind. She can quote the definition though, just no examples.  My daughter gets confused between letter names and numbers especially during reading time when she has to sound it out.  My daughter just had an hour long fit because the question stated " How does the city control the number of horses?"  She was obsessed in finding the exact number and could not wrap herself around the figure of speech, even when I explained it in a number of ways.

God gave me S because I was called to be a her mother.  I see that if we didn't make the choices we did I don't want to think what her life would have been.  I love her very much and always will.  She is teaching me to not find strength in myself but to lean on God and other people. To step out of my bubble and to let others in.

I am battling things in my life and desires for a quick fits to relax like I never have.  Don't worry I won't give in just being honest. Just listen when someone shares, if you don't understand that's ok, really it is. But NEVER compare your own child's life to theirs unless you truly can.  

This is a glimpse..

P.s Got to love her little apology notes, we have been working on how to say sorry.

Let's Shine

I spend so much time venting or at least venting in my head.  Don't get me wrong I love my life just at times too be honest it's a lot to take in.   Having a daughter with undiagnosed issues, little fiesty ball of joy, normal soon to be 10 year old boy and a hyper, anger issues 7 year old.  Oh life.... "Where is the WINE?!"

This weekend however, I stepped out of my bubble and really reflected on my children.  In the midst of chaos, I realized that I am so proud of them, ALL OF THEM!  J this weekend got asked to play on two different competitive club soccer teams.  He was doubting himself and his abilities.  We live in a place that soccer is one of the main sports and everyone plays at some competitive level.  J had been waiting to join club but with the COST $$$ to play I didn't feel that my young kid needed to play.  He was on a great team, that he was growing with.  However, now that they are all splitting to different clubs it was our turn to start checking around.  The main team that he wanted to play decided to take a different route and that left J without a team, that is when he wanted to give up.  We told him to pray, and that God would guide him to the right coach and team.  He tried for a well established team that is hard to get into, we waited and waited, and had 3 tryouts.  During the waiting period, we tried for another team that asked J to play for them within the first 20 minutes.  The next night we heard from the last team and J made that one too.  He trusted God, thanked Him and learned to so much!

M (my baby boy) got asked to move up to Minor B instead of Caps.  I was nervous but I think he'll be ok. I know he'll be ok! I said maybe it will teach him some humility.. Husband's response "Yeah, right that kid is gifted maybe not." I pray he learns something.

S is doing so well in homeschooling.  I know that this whole transition is hard for her.  However, this weekend we ran into someone we hadn't seen in a while.  Their first comment was "She seems so much happier"  they had no idea of the change we made. I can't imagine life through S's eyes.  Every now and then I get a glimpse on how hard the world must be to process for her.  She is truly a joy, to watch her understand things.

I know that my life may not be what my personality fits, and in another time I see myself living in New York, in an amazing loft in the middle of the City, going out every night and living for Fashion!!  I would be a hot mess but I would look FABULOUS and get too eat and get in free EVERYWHERE so who cared if I was a HOT MESS!!

That is not my life, I cannot deny that I was meant to be a mom of four highly AMAZING Children.  I married a GREAT man that wanted the Same.  So in my dreams I am in New York, and every now and then I get to stay up SUPER late and Go Out however, I am always the mom on the sidelines and sitting beside my children reading.. I wouldn't change that for the WORLD!

MIX UP

To say that we have been busy is an understatement.  Some days in the midst of my crazy life I feel calm, content, "I got this", then other days  I think "What  did I do? "Someone take these children before I lose it.' It's funny because on those days usually God sends someone my way to say "Your so paitient, you have amazing children." I'm thinking "Yeah, right you didn't just hear me in the car!"  


My children are growing and getting older.. we are discussing things that I never thought they would ask me "Mom what is GAY, not the happy version etiher.. " "When am I going to get my boobies?" etc...  I ask for guidance to do my best to answer these questions.




It's going to be interesting to see what these children are like as they get older.  People talk about having faith but don't parents have faith everyday - We have faith that our children are going to grow up to be AMAZING adults, have GREAT children, and just plan be HAPPY in life.  Having four children God has given me four children with 4 very different personalities.  I have a strong, stubborn, athletic and fashionista daughter that is K.  I have a athletic, SUPER SMART, lovable, also stubborn little boy that is M. I have a sweet, loving, chatter box, athletic, lazy when it comes to schooling that is J, and S who is sweet, just wants you to love her all day, doesn't care about fashion, but can read till there is no tomorrow that is S.


Homeschooling has been an adjustment for all of us!  It's teaching things about myself I never thought too learn, or I needed to learn.  I am learning to have more patience because we can never have enough,  to approach S with a calm tone at all times,  how to be a better parent and focus on where my child is at now and not focus on where my child should be at. 


I am little mad at our school system and what I have learned while starting homeschooling.  I kept asking them for help to see where my child needed help in. There words "We cannot help her unless she falls a whole grade behind."  What THE!!!?? Well... guess what she fell a whole grade behind and you still didn't help so I'm doing it myself

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

I don't like to compare my life to others but seriously - WHAT was I  THINKING?! I started homeschooling S this last week, and began remodeling our new/old house.  We are moving to a spot that we have owned in a couple of weeks and I just started homeschooling.. In the midst of deciding curriculum, creating homeschool schedule, I am picking out cabinets, flooring and paint.  Anything else that I can add in my little stew of CHAOS?!  This is not a stew that I would suggest anyone to eat!

A good note, is that even though we haven't officially started teaching, since it takes time to receive the curriculum, S seems to be enjoying the time together.  We haven't had an anxiety fit (knock on wood) and we are showing more affection to dad and I.  It also helps me to be able to show this affection as well since I'm not frustrated.

J seems to have started the official beginnings of puberty meaning he is starting to smell and HELLO DEODORANT!!  I realized this while trying to figure out why my car smelled like a wet dog. He thought if he used body spray we wouldn't be able to tell but then he smelled like a wet dog with body spray.  I showed him tonight how to use the deodorant his question "Do I put in on over my clothes?" The mood swings also, OH LORD save me from the MOOD SWINGS!

One more good ingredient.. to add to my stew I started a 90 day challenge on Body by VI. I am on day 31.  I changed my eating habits 8 months ago to what you would describe as a pescatrain (is that even a word?) to only eating fish and no other meats.  The Body by VI is a nutritional protein shake, that helps you gain muscle or loss weight (your choice) I'm doing a little of both.  It's helping me to exercise daily by increasing my energy with vitamins (in shake) no additional supplements.  And yes I decided to be a promotor (ifranke.myvi.net).  So that in a way is just a little more added to my stew!!

While school is starting tomorrow for all.  Pray for my patience, endurance, to make sure I complete our packing my this weekend.  J has a soccer team tryout so pray he makes it and ..... just that I stay focused.

Take care....

Update

How do I sum up a year? So many changes..... We stopped therapies for S. I felt like she was associating too much of her identity with it.  We don't have a diagnosis however, therapy helped us a lot but there are some things that we need to just accept as her personality.  She started music classes and soccer and love's it!

J , M and K have been busy with sports and school. I started back to work as a preschool teacher and went back  too college, CRAZY right?! I love it though, love stepping out of my mom role and being validated for what I do.  Now that I've accepted four kids in school, college and work BAM!! Life is changing yet again!

We've thought about homeschooling S for a long time.  We've been on school break for awhile and S's anxiety has been under control 😅. Yes we have our moments but it seems manageable compared to a full out break down.  In my heart homeschooling option won't disappear so here we go on yet another new journey.

I keep being reminded that my role in life is mommy not who I want to be separate of that. God blessed is with each of our kids for a reason, sometimes they don't know how to use their voice and it's our purpose to help them. I pray this is the right choice for all the family. The emotional fits were taking its toll finally on all.

I still get too work but instead of 5 days 2 and yet I'm selfishly morning my/our changes. Wish us the best!

Breathe

I know that nothing just happens.  I do believe that God guides our life and has a plan for each and every one of us.  Does that mean that I float on a cloud, trusting that all will be sunshine and happiness?  No... To tell you the truth the last two weeks I have been questioning a lot about being a mom.

I am a mother of four, a wife to a lineman (power poles), two adopted children, two biological, one with anger issues and the other with something (Aspergers).  The bible says that we are not given more then we can handle.  When I reflect on my life I can see that I am exactly where God wants me to be and has designed me to be.

But, lately I feel like I just CAN"T DO THIS!!! S has been on school break for the last two weeks and any change in her schedule is like taking a toaster and sticking it in a tub of bath water. It doesn't stop, it never stops (only a little bit)....  Her screaming, her mean words, her tantrum.  All the while I have to sit there and say "I understand.. you need to stop screaming before we can talk, ya-da, ya-da"  I take the verbal punches one by one " I hate you!, Your not my mom!, Your mean! I'll never look at you! etc..."  Does she mean them? No, and I know that.  Because half the time that she is mad it doesn't even make sense about a half eaten burrito or I touched her bed.  I know she is mad because this break is hard, there is no schedule, and if we do something the next day she is a wreck for over stimulation.

I have been taking it all in.... never yelling, trying to talk.  No one, No one understands what it's like! Do I expect them too? No I don't, at times I would rather stay in my own bubble then explain it.

I just at times need to feel like I'm not alone.  I know my daughter loves me, I know I love her.  This world is not easy for her no matter the mask that she wears most of the time.  We see the true blue S come through at home.

Pray for me to have wisdom, guidance and trust that everything will work out.  She goes back to school  next week and that gives us another re-adjustment.  Breathe....

Progress

This week we had the first of our parent teacher conferences for the school year.  J is doing well but can use some improvement in participating and pushing himself.  He does that a lot in things, he only does what he needs to get by but stays out of sight and is quiet.  That's just my J.  He's also like that in sports he is very athletic but won't fight for it.  I need to figure out a why to make him realize just how terrific he is.  

S's teacher commented on how great a reader she is noting that her strengths are in Organization, neatness and following rules.  Umm... yep, that sounds about right.  However, she needed to work on her comprehension answers in reading, they are too basic and need more thought and input.  Also her math skills she can count by 2's, 3's, 10's etc.. but when you try to start her at another number ex. (start at 100 and count by 2's) she can't do it.  I tried to explain to the teacher that we are well aware of her short comings and that is part of our concern for the future.  Most people can take a skill and apply it elsewhere; Where as S every skill is a new lesson, she has to re learn it in that manner memorize and then lock it in. She can't take this skill and move it over here, not how her brian works.  As far as the deeper comprehension questions well that is all part of her cognitive that we are also working on.  I felt like the teacher gave me a blank stare.  She is just not understanding S.  She tried to say how great she is at Mimicking (ASPERGERS!), Memorizing (ASPERGERS!), however cannot create on her own imagination (ASPERGERS!).  I told her we understand and our working on it.  She claimed that she does not see fits in her class and I assured her that she never will. S doesn't have fits in public she goes mute. Teacher's response "Oh you mean that blank stare that she gets, like she's lost."  YES!!!  I have to say I left frustrated that this teacher doesn't get it.

But a positive note did roll around the next day.. at cognitive therapy-  They were categorizing objects that make her happy and ones that make her sad.  S asked to create one box that makes her worried.  In the box S decided to put - Parties with a lot of kids, or places (reason you can get hurt, touched, pushed, lost, noise..), Legos (don't like when they don't have directions don't know what to do), School (all the work you have to do and it never stops.), Games (she couldn't tell why but it does cause her anxiety). 

I was so proud that she came to define these things on her own.  Will she magically change now? No but it's a stepping stone to help her become aware of herself and I am so proud.  This was huge for us.  They also commented that re-testing for Aspergers. They said it is something to think about in the future (THANK GOD! Finally they are seeing it too.)  

Don't ever give up! Celebrate each success and achievement as it comes! Way to go S!