Just a Glimpse

"S please brush your teeth."
Enter in bathroom just standing playing with hair
"Alright my turn to brush your teeth." I say.
"I didn't do it (whining voice)"
"I know because you were playing with your hair, it's time to get ready, my turn to brush."
Whining starts about I NEVER get too, yelling at the little ones - YOU DON"T know how to brush your teeth. Don't look at me.
I wait till she stops then she finally submits to me to let me brush her teeth.  She is VERY mad after about it though.
While I'm cleaning she helps her self to string cheese and KICKS K because WHILE just BECAUSE she was standing there.
"S did you just kick her? Why did you kick her?"
"I didn't kick her. I didn't touch her!!!!"
M says "She's lying mommy, she kicked her."
"S go to your room for lying and kicking"
She runs down the stairs while laughing and starts to run from me.  I finally catch her and guide her back to her room while she is WAILING on me.  I do not lay a hand on her.  I place her in her room and speak calmly that she needs to calm down and that we do not lie and kick people, it's not nice.
The FIT is U-G-L-Y.  She's kicking the door, barricading herself in (while trying too), screaming HORRIBLE things to me.  I ignore it and just continue to close the door every time she opens it.
"I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN MY ROOM!  I WON'T STAY IN MY ROOM! YOUR MEAN!  I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN MY ROOM!....."

"You lied and hit, that's not nice. We don't do that, we use our words."
"I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN MY ROOM!"
"Then don't hit and run from me."
"I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN MY ROOM! YOUR MEAN! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU MOMMY!"
"Your right S it's not about me, it's about God and me helping you to learn the rules."
"YOU DON'T KNOW THE RULES!"
"I know your not suppose to hit, run from mommmy and lie to me."
"YOUR MEAN!"
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!"
"It's not about me, it's about showing Love and Respect to the Lord."
"THERE ARE NO RULES!"
"You know the 5th commandment Honor your mother and father.'"
"IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!"
"Your right it's not about me."

"IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!"

"Your right it's not about me."

I walk away, the rage starts over agian with yelling, and screaming.  After a few minutes, I go into her room and pull her onto my lap and stroke her hair "Shhh... it's okay. "  "I don't want to stay in my room."
"Why are you in your room?" I hit
"Why are you in your room? I kicked
"S you ran from me and lied to me. If you told me the truth and didn't run you would have already been done with time-out.  You need to wait until it's time to leave for school. What am I asking you to do?"  To stay in my room.

I walk out, 2 minutes past and the "IS IT TIME YET!  IS IT TIME YET!  YOUR NOT LISTENING TO ME! I WANT TO GET OUT!"  she's kicking the door and whining. Her door has no lock on it, already no door knob, she broke it in one of her previous slamming the door fits.  There are no tears, just yelling. It starts all over agian and it's still going "IT'S NOT FAIR!  I WANT TO GO DOWNSTAIRS!"

LORD help me, help me with the little ones that have to listen to her. Help me so that they don't learn from her.  Help me to continue to have patience that only comes from you.

One of my concerns with all of this is - What is going to happen if my kid doesn't understand how to do time-outs.  She can't even focus on the fact that she did something wrong, she's only concerend about herself because SHE's AN ASPIE!! I've already walked her more then 4x upstairs, she goes running over and over again.  I know she loves me and adores me because she writes it in her letters and will tell me.  Why is it then that at times like this, I feel like she HATES me!  Am I wrong for trying to teach her right and wrong, all I am doing is trying to give her a time-out.   It's times like this, that I can't wait for the counseling to start, OH CRAP she's throwing her wooden play food at the wall.n GOTTA RUN before I get a hole in my wall from a six year old.  IS that possible?  I PRAY NOT

Pretty Smooth

I haven't had much time to write lately.  With the husband gone, a date with a cup of coffee and the computer is rare.  I usually am not winding down until 9pm and that is with a crochet hook and HORRIBLE TV.   Things have been busy.  We've had our ups and downs.  I do have to be honest that with Daddy gone, it seems like I have been handling S better.  When she has had her rages, I separate her as best as possible until she calms down, even if that is putting her in the garage/play room until it stops.  If it's a bad one, I am finding picking her up and walking around outside helps her to calm down fast.  This is not to say that at times I want to yell "SHUT UP!!!!  YOU DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!!! STOP PLEASE!!!!"  instead it's full of "yes S, I understand, ah ha, yada yada yada....."    It seems like it's really peaked lately but yet in some ways it's manageable, maybe that is me.    Maybe it's because I know that Daddy can't come to save the day, that he's not walking in the door later today to hear me rant about it. So there is no point in complaining and I just handle it.

The Adoption investigation is coming this Thursday. They need to come to the house see if in fact the children live with us and then ask us questions.  I have been preparing S just by letting her know that someone is going to come over to see her room and ask her a few questions about her family.  She seems ready and ok with it.   After the investigation we have court in a couple of weeks. I will keep you informed.   The outlook on all of this looks really, really good.  The birth mother has just recently been dismissed from court ordered rehab, and we don't know where she is at.  However, she was served the papers so we will see if she shows.  Either way I feel positive about it.

It's funny how through all this, we are the ones that have to be investigated.  We don't even know where the mother is and if we did she doesn't get investigated.  She has the right to fight us if she wants.  She's the one making all the WRONG choices in her life and we are the ones FIGHTING for the children, being checked too see if WE are good, decent parents.  There is so much through all this that I have learned about our system.  They give the birth parents more then enough time to come back into the children's lives.  If they are good at hiding all their bad choices, they may get their children back even if deep down we know that the cycle will repeat itself.  We are fortunate that we choose to go the Legal Guardianship way verses Fostering.  It has given the children more protection and us more rights to make the parental decisions for them.  If you have questions about this feel free to ask.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

On THursday last week S and I went to SeaWorld for her class field trip.  I was ready for the anxiety to kick in, for her to go into her shell like she usually does with the zoo or some big place.  I am happy to say that, that did not happen.  She did so GOOD!!!  She enjoyed seeing the animals, when the places were too crowded for her, she did a good job just by hugging my leg tight or walking and standing by the nearest exit until everyone was ready to go on.  Lately we have been messing with the piano that I have.  It seems like she's catching on, very quickly.  She is very musically inclined and I find that soothing music seems to soother her during her fits.

One more week until Court, two more weeks until her Autism evaluation.
xoxo

Lonely Street

I feel alone...real alone.  If I started this blog to be honest, brutally honest and for therapeutic reasons then I have to tell the truth and this is the truth.   I feel like the worst mom in the world and alone.  My husband is gone and even if he was here it's not like he is the stay at home one.  My wrist aches from holding S all day due to her rages and fits.  I probably did this one to myself.  I decided to skip church because I thought "Let's all just have a good enjoyable day at home, watching movies, playing outside, whatever sounds good..." deep down I know that these days with S never end good.  It's like the anxiety of having to play, to create or decide what to do plus the no schedule just throws her into a loop de loop of anger.

It's 2:36pm and I am so ready for bedtime.  It started when they all went out to play, she always wants whatever someone else has even if she's preoccupied with something else.  Then it's like a huge wagon that is just flying downhill. You know that your not going to catch up with it, you know it's going to hit something and cause damage either upon itself or others.  But you try anyways, you run full steam ahead reaching for it with one hand, thinking oh I almost have it then BAM it's all over the place.  That is EXACTLY what happened today.

I don't know how to control this other then what everyone wants to say "You need to create a schedule for her, she needs to know what comes next."  How many of us truly live our life's like this when we are home.  I have FOUR kids I never know what's coming next.  I try,  I really do try to prepare her if I can.  There are days like today where I just can't lay out - First, Next, Then...

Needless to say the whole day has pretty much been spent trying to console her of her nonsense, her anger for just yelling at anyone that dares looks at her.  After one of these HOUR events, she came down to eat her lunch and immediately started accusing everyone that they ate her food because a cracker was cracked.  I pleaded with her softly and ended up taking her outside like a baby, walking her around the block as she muttered about her food being old, I shushed her and patted her till she calmed down then sent her up for her nap. Now 20min. later she is still up screaming her head off at me about some BS.  I put her in our garage/playroom so the others can sleep.  My wrist hurts from holding her.  My eyes hurt from crying.  I just want someone to tell me exactly what to do.

I am tired... I felt bad when daddy called in between all this and I couldn't talk.  I want to be held, loved and reassured.  I never once screamed at her, just a lot of "Yes S, I hear you, yes I know, no your food is not old, yes S... etc,,,"  So for those of you that read this don't ever try to tell me that my daughter is just NORMAL and that it's all in my head or because of her hard pervious life. It's in the good times, in her excitement that it shows and in the bad.  Yesterday she repeatedly asked me where we were going all the way to the birthday party whose house we have been to so many times before. She was so excited, just so she could repeat back "We are going to BLANKS birthday party."  I know that there is a community of people dealing with this, but it doesn't help you to feel any more part of team when your handling it right then and there.  I am sorry for this post.  It's just life... God picked me for a reason and I pray He keeps filling me with His strength.

The real deal

Since Daddy has been gone. This has been one of the hardest weeks. It seems like I can not get enough rest time or time to revitalize myself, catch up with my never-ending list and the effects of this are causing me to be DRAINED!!  I thought last night "Oh... we have no morning events for Saturday, we can all sleep in until 7:30 at least maybe 8am.  The kids have to be tired." However, I must have been dreaming when I thought this as it all started at 6am today.

K woke up bright eye and bushy tail, yelling "Mommy" at the top of her lungs.  She must have forgotten that she was asleep in bed next to me.  I was not yet awake...
She began her pleads to go downstairs, I woke up walked alone downstairs asking her to follow because I did not want to carry her because I was not yet awake....
In the long run after all the crying and screaming and she woke EVERYONE, I had to carry her downstairs to stop her and I WAS NOT YET AWAKE!!
I put on a show and asked them to please let me sleep on the couch for a little while BUT NO the requests began for breakfast, snack, something.  WHAT ABOUT ME!!! I have had no coffee yet and I AM NOT YET Awake!!!
Finally mange to crawl to the kitchen to make myself a pot of coffee, breakfast for the kids, and a phone call to my mother. My mother was not created for encouragement more of a reality slap when you need it.  The "Oh sweetie you are a wonderful mother, you are amazing..." is not what you hear but "you need vitamins,  well you choose to do the sports with them, yes you are a good mom, I'm just saying..."  Oh still NOT YET AwAKE for this phone call.

then --  Showers, baths, boys ready for some baseball games, grandma arrives to stay with the girls at home, off to the ball field for two games back to back.  Drop M off at his game go to sit down on bleachers, AND J forgot his glove - SO AM NOT IN THE MOOD for this!

With THREE miles left in the tank rush home to get glove, change clothes because by now I am sweating, pump gas to make it back to the field, drop off J at his baseball game, catch the end of M's tee-ball game.

Then get to sit for a little while and enjoy J's game.  He did very well stealing three bases to score a run.  Then back to the swing of things.  Pick up S and K for a birthday party leave M because he's just a wreck of exhaustion then to the birthday for two and half hours.

Today was Tata's birthday that I so wanted to go too but I had to admit defeat. I had to cancel because I was just too tired to make it.  The movie started at 6:30pm after more baths and dinner.  Now they are reading in bed before I say goodnight.  I promised J he can have special time tonight so the mommy duties have not ended.

 I AM STILL NOT yet awake hint I am on my second cup of coffee at 8pm, it's not working.  J had a really hard day today he's getting tired of S always saying he's wrong, and not understanding him and to top it off he misses his Daddy.

I give so much credit to the men/women of serviceman/woman and .  I don't know how you do it!! I give credit to all the single moms - I don't know how you do it!!!  I know that daddy's time away is going to be awhile but dealing with four kids is one thing, dealing with Aspergers is another and all the other appointments in between.

This is the daily adventure of what goes on in the REAL everyday life. Didn't it make you tired just hearing it??

Draining day

Yesterday I went to C.A.R.E.S.   for S's pre-evaulation to see if S if in fact needs to be evaluated or if in fact I'm just crazy.  The verdict is I may be in fact crazy but, they see some things in her verbal to do a full evaluation, so in June the same week of our first adoption court date we head over to Scripps Ranch for her evaluation.

I do have to say that I was very impressed with the facility.  Their are a tons of counselors that work at the office and off sight.  I did not know, that they work with the San Diego Regional Center and also the San Diego school district.  They offer a number of services and therapies depending on what your child may need.  They do take medi-cal for those that need it, and if not their pricing is very affordable I feel and not based on your income.  I am looking forward to working with them!  I will in fact recommend them to anyone that can use them.  They have a couple of other offices in other states as well.

We had a very hard night and a very hard morning yesterday.  I have to be honest.  I can never and will never change or regret our decision to adopt S and M.  However, most parents have a child with a disability that child was born into your family.  With S, I have chosen to take her into our family and all that comes with her.  I'm not saying I"m great or look at me.  It's just that, sometimes I think of everyone involved in it and this wasn't a choice given to all.  I am blessed though that my children see no difference in this and that they embrace each other and weather they know it or not this at times has helped to embrace everything as well. I adore and Love S with all my heart and with all that God has given me.  This was my conclusion yesterday that I am so blessed to Love her. A lot of people see the other way around but, no honestly it's US that are blessed by her and all that she is teaching us and all the Love that she has to give. She has a smile that is priceless to all that know it.  Ok onto the meeting....

The meeting was very draining.  No one wishes to have something wrong with your child, you just want to help your child.  It's exhausting to explain everything about them that you see that is just not right.  As my knowledge is growing in this area, I find that many people immediately think of "Rain Man" with Dustin Hoffman.  They expect that anyone with Autism will resemble that case.  Whereas Autism ranges from Severe to High Functioning no one case is exactly alike.  A lot of people with Autism/Aspergers are very smart indeed they just have a different way of looking at the world. When you come to understand the way they look at the world you can't quite argue with them that they are wrong,  they are just very literal people, most of the time. In S's case sometimes she can be quite off the wall also.  I know that a lot of people want to say "Well my kid get's mad at BLANK too, or my child has FITS too etc...  I just always agree with them and walk away.  I am tired of explaining this, I don't feel that to prove to acquaintances on how and what my child has.

With this meeting though as in other evaluations this is in fact what you do.  There is always a number of questions to answer then break down.  For two hours, I sat there and did just this.  At the end of it all, all I wanted to do is hug S and tell her that I love her.  I apologized a number of times for just filling like I was going on and on.  It is difficult to talk about these things yet at times when I'm on my own dealing with it that can be all I want to talk about too. Go figure.  I came home went to bed early when I put the kids down.

On top of the Autism information, our adoption paperwork has seemed like it's still going.  Today already was spent dropping off papers, calling about information etc...  To tell you truth.  I am EXHAUSTED!!! I thank the Lord that the weekend is upon us, I thank Him for my strength to go on. So please pray that S has a great next couple of days, that I have the patience to deal with it.  And that C.A.R.E.S is able to help us with helping her.   Off to pick up the preschoolers.

On a side note: Whoever is reading this in Brazil, Germany, and other far away places. Thanks for reading my spill. 

Mamma Mia Dia

This mother's day comes this year at a much needed time.  Daddy has been gone this whole week and we have him for one day this week TODAY before he is gone again until the 25th.  S had a hard time with the change of daddy being gone and I am sure she will be crying all day tomorrow again.  New schedules were placed around the house which have come to be a good thing and have lessened the morning chaos a little.  I have managed it all by myself, with sports, homework, and house problems along with the whole other dimension that S brings to everyday.

I am so blessed to be the mother of my four children. Regardless of how I became the mother of J, K, S and M. I love them all the same whether they are my biological or soon to be adopted children.  This is something that I have seen recently is a very hard thing  for people to accept and understand.  I don't have to explain myself, I do want to say though that being a mom is not about necessarily birthing the child because anyone can do that (HONESTLY).  It's about loving your child with all that you give,  even when you have one screaming at you words of anger, It's about teaching the child right and wrong for the life that is ahead of them, it's about telling them each day how much you adore them even when the words have become a blur to them(because you say them too much). I can go on and on.  Many of times I have sat here and said "Why Lord? Why me?"  I don't know why the Lord placed me with each one of my children, I just know that he did. There are times when I look at S and M and tell myself "I shouldn't be the one they call mom."  BUT I AM! I am the one that fights for them, the one that teaches them, loves them and always will.  It warms my heart to watch my children love each other, stand by each other and call each other brother and sister.  There is no seperation in their eyes and there is none in ours.

We had a mother's day tea at S's school with songs and a card that she read to me "My mom is Isabel.  I love my mom because she tack (her spelling) care of me I love you so much.  I like to go shopping with my mom.  She gets what me what I want and sometime you go to special plasis with me.  I love you mom Love S." 
J made me a "Feliz dia de Madre" flower, and M made me a little plaque with his picture and handprint that reads "I love my mommy because she give me cereal and shower in the morning. She colors with me and lets me play with my brothers and sisters." 


I am proud to be MOMMY to each one my little Monkeys. I love them so much and look forward to a well rested day (somewhat).

It all works out

After school her eyes were glossed, no eye contact, no talking to her friends when they were speaking to her.  I knew it was going to be one for the books. I said a quick prayer for a change of heart or whatever was bothering her.  Since Daddy has left, these last two days have been not so good.  She woke up in a FUNK and wanted  nothing to do with her TERRIFIC morning routine, nicely printed with pictures on display in her room.  That's okay change takes time.

I am very lucky to have the autism evaluation right around the corner.  Why does it feel so far then? Oh I know why, because we are living it everyday.  It's coming at us hard.  We try to dodge it, at times I try to run from it (lock myself in the bathroom -LITERALLY), we are doing our best to be kind in the hardest moments, we ARE the chicken running with it's head cut off.  Yes I know help is on it's why.  It's just that I don't know what to do.  Time-outs are pointless because I spend half the time trying to get her to stay there.  Then she doesn't even know why she's there.  If she does know, she doesn't understand why it's wrong etc..., etc...  They say that we learn from our errors and trails in life.  The only thing is with a typical person those don't come everyday.  With an Autistic person every moment in their life is learning a new rule, behavior, etc... There watching you, imitating you.

Today was such a crazy day beside the typical "Don't look at me! I can't get dressed!, I can't take my clothes off!, My pencil doesn't work!, My stomach hurts, No one likes me, You don't love me!" sort of crazy, dizzy roller-coaster.  Usually at the end of my day, my sanity walks in the door - MY HUSBAND!!
While since it's he's out of town my big freezer decided to not work, a big delivery wants to be delivered but furniture needs to be moved, adoption packet was mailed, life with S in between, PTC board (yes I am insane enough to be on a Parent board), life with K in between, Baseball practice, bike broken, and life with M and J.

Now they are all in bed. I am about to crochet another fun gift for a beautiful friend, apple juice beside me (it's so hot over here I need to hydrate). I DID FIX THE FREEZER all by myself (hit reset on the outlet), I rescheduled the delivery and in between all of the above I booked a Family Vacation for June with a rented RV.  SO PROUD OF MYSELF.  TA-DA!!!

Tomorrow is another day - another day to book appointments for S for therapy.  Another day to not get to finish some project, another day for baseball but, most importantly another day to smile and love each one of my little God given munchkins.   In the end that is what I am called to do, to be the best mommy that I can be everyday.  I know I lose it at times because I am HUMAN but I think I do pretty good job, even when I do think "Gee I suck!"
I remember to breathe, lace up the shoes and put my big girl panties on.