A new journey

Life, God, the universe... whatever is that you want to call it has handed my family a new journey.  A new path of discovery or self-reflection.  I just got done meditating can you tell, I'm still in my bubble.   I have been meditating for a couple of years now.  I always meditated as a teenager, it was something my father taught me in junior high.  The peace, and balance I feel is nothing that you can find elsewhere.  The last year I have been on a spiritual journey of reflecting on my spiritual life.  Trying to find my balance of my belief in God, Native American spirituality, and meditation.  I have come to find it, yet still go through trails, that is the purpose of life.  Or so they say? All the books say the same thing no matter what trail you are in, it's to grow you spiritually, to help you get to the next level.  Don't you wish they would just tell you what to do, what to be on the look out for.  I do.. like ok we have grown through understanding love, lets move too patience, an instruction book on life.  As we all know though, it doesn't work that way.  WISH IT DID! WISH IT DID!!  

 A quick note, I fell off the meditation wagon for awhile but, this new 21-day meditation with Deepak Chopra and Oprah (yes, I said OPRAH) has really been helpful. It's about finding your flow. Today's focus was on your strength within.

I debated to write this post but, it has been crazy lately and this is my out.  So much is going through my mind for the last week or so.  Let's just start writing and let it flow...  M (this is S's biological brother) has been my baby since he was 2. He is all boy, he started talking a little late but other than that has been on track developmentally.  He is so smart, so smart.  Super athletic and very loving.  He is again, just all boy.  He can't sit on my couch, because he doesn't stay still. Is always, I mean always hungry, very stubborn, very funny too, and will always do that one thing just because he wants too know what will happen.  He is my baby boy, and I love him so much.  The teachers always speak volumes about how smart he is.  However, lately things have been changing just this last year. Pick up time usually involves a conference of some kind with his teacher.

The stubbornness has grown, talking back more, anger issues have become more so (we went to counseling before), started seeing the school psychologist, sportsmanship he's just not focused, refuses to do work in class, disciplining (time-outs, grounding, etc...) don't seem to work.  Just yesterday I had to carry him to my car to go to school and leave him in the office because he wouldn't put his shoes on.  Some how in the morning he wasn't getting his way, so he just shut down.

I know kids act up but this is something more.  This kid has had anger management classes, I have taken away all sugar and gluten-free, the tools for him to use have been given to him, he is really smart so it shouldn't be a problem. It is though.... it's not working, nothing is and I feel that I am losing my sweet, athletic loving boy.  He's making threats on hurting himself physically, running away, hating himself.  His self-confidence from a SUPER CONFIDENT boy is disappearing.  When he acts up I'm not even yelling just saying how much I love him.  Yet, he still continues on too try to stir me up.  It's not working though...  With all that summary we have decided to have him tested for ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder).

Now Aspergers, I have covered. S is doing great ( knock on wood)... homeschooling and diet changes she is excelling.  Then life decided too hand me a new one.  ADHD, what the #$&^&*^ is this?  I have done my research and am an educator. I am familiar with working (at work) with children like this.  However, now at home it's created a whole another environment.  I'm not mad, I"m just confused. I am thinking SERIOUSLY!!  Aspergers and ADHD!!!  It's enough being one type of therapist 24 hours a day and now I need to learn and become a different one.

I have given up college, stopped working five days a week.  I lvoe being a mom and wouldn't change my life for anything.  My soul purpose in this world is my children.  I never regret adopting S and M, never the LOVE that I have for them is the same that I have for my other biological children. Unless you have adopted you quite can't explain this.

I havent given into my bubble, I have been trying to wrap my head around this.  I honestly don't know what too feel.  I have to admit though that for some strange reason this is harder for me to accept then S's Aspergers.  I think it's the connotation that ADHD has.  I won't be shouting this from the roof tops or telling all the family (unless they read this).  I will be taking one step at time.

It's heart wrenching to hear your child yell ways to hurt himself.  To beg to end it all... I have read that this is a sign and that things will be get better.  My baby is only seven and has the whole future ahead to have all his dream come true.  We will make it over this mountain.

If you have read this and are a friend or family member, please don't pity party me. Just understand if I'm not quite focused on general life, I'm trying to get through ours with all the LOVE, PATIENCE and UNDERSTANDING that I can have.