Back to life, back to reality....

We are back home in one piece. This vacation was soooo......... needed. Three days of letting all the kids just be kids. I think my boys played baseball more on vacation then they actually do at home. All them had a blast.

I am so proud of everyone how they shared and got a long. I am extra proud of S how she handled everything. Toward the end of the trip, she started to unravel a little bit. Of course it was in public at the Library; she started showing her true colors in whining, and not making sense when complaining. The way that she uses her words to describe things seems like it's becoming more common.

Can you ever just let it go??? As time goes on maybe I'll get better at it. I find that I am constantly watching every movement, and word. Analzying "Aw... I see it there... why does she do that? Maybe she needs this?, Need to call BLank and BLANK place..... " I have to check myself and say enjoy the moments that I am given. Rejoice in all the blessings that I have. God will show us the right door when we find it.

I went yesterday to our local learning store. I was looking for soemthing that could help S with understanding actions with feelings, or textures. I asked the sales men if they had anything to help austistic children with the above. "I wish we carried more for autism and that sounds like some terrific tools, but we don't have anything like those - sorry." It's not his fault that they don't have it, it's the chain. I couldn't belive that they didn't carry anything at all!! Next to the bookstore to scan books that have the same information that I have heard for the BLANK amount of time. When I walked in there was a shelf that said Autism awarenenss month on a side of a bookshelf with six books. I asked where there autism section was and was pointed to ONE shelf not bigger then my computer screen. SERIOUSLY, it had like seven books and that was it. But as I sat on the floor in Barnes and Noble alone, scanning these books for random information. I again wanted to cry.... to cry for a little girl who is not yet all mine, to cry for the way that she sees the world, to cry for how much we have to fight for her in her life... to cry for how amazing and sweet she is.... to cry because you wish that you could change it... but then would she be her if you did change it? I love her laugh and smile when they are genuine because they are so real and true. I love the gleam in her eyes when she sees you smile at her. And when I find myself question ; Lord, why me? Why do we have to go through all this? I say THANK YOU GOD for blessing me with two additional beautiful children and giving us the opportunity.

Autism appointments: Finally scheduled with C.A.R.E.S and with Children's Hospital. C.A.R.E.S appointment is first. I'm not sure about them, so if I don't feel that they tested her right in her cognitive then we still have Children's left.

Adoption wise: Bought everyones birth certificates and our marriage certificate for the courts. Today off to be fingerprinted by every known agency they can find. It's too bad how much work adoption is, and how much little underlying $$$$ there is. You have to prove yourself so much more as a parent while all these random unfit people are just popping out babies. Honestly, sometimes I think that we all should be given a class and a license to have kids. Sorry it's just my thought.... that way neglected children would not be.

Beautiful day in the neighborhood

Remember that song by Mister Rodgers, "It's a Beautiful day in the neighborhood, won't you be my neighbor." sometimes I still sing it. A lot of times I think about it in the hard moments in our day. Or if I was my neighbor, I would say NO, that lady is crazy!! Like at this exact moment if I hear "I don't want to", "Why can they..", Why can't I....", "How come..." ME ME ME ME ME ME one more time I am going to SCREAM not really though but I want to inside!! Lord, please calm me down and give me the patience that I need to endure today, I pray that S gets in a better mood as we are about to hit the road. Amen.

I found this blog post about what it's like as a parent with a kid with needs, so true good read to see what it's like. Click here

We are about to punish ourselves then reward ourselves by driving 5 hours to visit some family friends. I am so looking forward to this trip. My friend has two children around the same age as my four. We became friends through J when he was in preschool our kids were best buds and we clicked. She is my friend that in the good and the bad I want to run too. My revitalizer, her strength and faith are an encouragement to me. Plus, our kids LOVE each other.

Yesterday was gorgeous here. We spent the day at the tide pools, and pizza for dinner. Everyone loved it!! I couldn't stop secretly crying inside that one day all of them will be so grown up. We honestly did not have too many break downs, they were all handled in a timely manner. J and S love laughing together and he loves teaching and showing her new things since he's a whole year older (sarcasm). One day though will it just stop? Will her innocence and questions still go while he just understands things?

I did receive a call back from both C.A.R.E.S and Children's Hospital. C.A.R.E.S wants to set up an appointment with me and daddy. I am a little nervous though since I don't know how in depth the evaluation will be with them. They meet with us for an hour then we come back another day for 2hours, then we come back again to talk about the diagnosis. My concern is that with ASPERGERS how do they see it?

I spoke to her previous doctor at Children's regarding the PDD-NOS/TRAUMA evaluation given to her and everything that I described to her she said was not trauma related since that has approved but more related to the autism. She gave me a number to call at the Autism Discovery Institute they just opened to see if anyone can help me but they didn't know where to send me. Oh well the weekend is upon us and this can wait till next week.

Questions for anyone that can answer regarding Aspergers:

1. What do you do when your kid has a tantrum, do you ignore it?

2. Time outs they don't work do they?

3. Do you ignore your kid when they do wrong funnies or do you correct them?

I also signed more papers with the attorney regarding the adoption, so that we can keep going forward. I received our packet of adoption paper work and OH MY it is a lot of stuff. Fingerprints, medical forms, birth and marriage certified certificates, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da.

SERIOUSLY anyone want to work for me for free and experience. You get to learn how to run your own business, be a personal assistant to four little people, an advocate on autism, a psychologist at times, counselor, driver and cook.

Have a great weekend, see you in four days.......

Is it cold like a candy cane??

We've had some busy days. Daddy took some time off to help me with Spring Break and it's been a such a blessing. We've really been focusing on just letting the kids hang out, and spending time together as a family. It's been really nice. We've had late night movies, and outings, park days and crafts.

It's also nice to know that when S breaks down during the day that he's there too. We've had a hard time with accepting that maybe for sure it is Aspergers. A lot of this is due to the previous diagnosis's. Lately though it's becoming more apparent. EXAMPLE BELOW:

Today we had S's therapy. What exactly they do in there - Who knows?? I asked her after they were done "What did you talk about today?" I know, I know, how could I!! Well... she's my kid. Her answer typical Aspie answer "How sometimes mommy forgets to give me breakfast." My first reaction was to get mad and say REALLY S, Really!! On my behalf that happened one time last week , one time! And I didn't forget we were short on time! S has breakfast everyday when she wakes up, it's a mark to her day. Apparently I disrupted her day enough, that she felt like she had to talk about it. I reminded myself this and let it go... I can't get mad at her when I asked for it. I was mentioning this to my husband and he started laughing. We started to share and laugh at the things that she says example: I ask her to not touch J's hat -"Why does he get to touch it all the time? (insert whining voice)" Don't touch the passenger door - "Why do you and daddy get to touch it all the time?" (insert whining voice).

Daddy was saying what he doesn't understand - is how sometimes she is trying to tell a story or ask a question and it makes no sense. "Like the other day she asked -"Is it cold like a candy- cane?" I asked what S? and she said "oh never mind". " I can see where her relation was to cold with candy-cane but I just had to laugh, I cracked up so hard!!!

I learned though from this because later S and I went to grocery store together. She has a hard time with cold and hot. So for example "S what is cold?" answer - Sour Cream, Choclate, hot dogs, juice (as she touches it). LIGHTBULB I finally got it!!! It's not if the actual item like ice cream, or milk is cold but the container that item is in if it is cold or cool. It doesn't matter if it sits on a shelf in the fridge or in the pantry. I just had to smile!! I love her, she was so excited to push her own cart around the store. On the way home she asked about driving one day and how old she will have to be. Oh I pray for the day she's on the road.

We did have a breakthrough today with a couple of things. I called C.A.R.E.S today to ask about the pricing of their evaluation and they take S's insurance!!! Yeah for me!! So excited to have her evaluation paid for and not $1800 miracle dollars! They also offer therapies on sight for her (DOUBLE BLESSING!!) On the adoption front, we have another appointment tomorrow, home visit is scheduled and outlook = GREATNESS!!

And for my husband a SHOUT OUT To you!! He is one of the most amazing men if not the most amazing man I have ever met. He took two weeks off of work to help me. He is so hands on with each and every child. I don't know too many men who would welcome add two additional children overnight into their life and love them just like their own. Then encourge addoption, and support ones needs. I am lucky and thankful that he lets me stay home. So kisses to you!!

Definitions of PDD-NOS and ASPERGERS

Today is the first day of our spring break, instead of spending the day today running outside, swimming and having fun. I am doing my own "work". The "work" that everyone wonders; what does she do all day? So far it's 10am and I have already made breakfast, kids dressed, dentist appointments made, optometrist appt. made. and now off I go into the barracks of trying to find help for S.

What exactly is PDD-NOS? "Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified, or PDD-NOS, for short, is a condition on the spectrum that has those with it exhibiting some, but not all, of the symptoms associated with classic autism. That can include difficulty socializing with others, repetitive behaviors, and heightened sensitivities to certain stimuli. " by Autisim speaks

The reason that S got diagnosed with PDD-NOS was because she was five years old when she first received this diagnosis now that she is six she is due to be re-evaluated. Children's Hospital does not like to jump into labeling a kid with Asperger's and most Aspergerians don't start showing signs until six. This is because it's a social and behavioral issue not academic. What is Asperger's? "Asperger's syndrome is a developmental disorder that affects a person's ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others. Children with Asperger's syndrome typically exhibit social awkwardness and an all-absorbing interest in specific topics.

Doctors group Asperger's syndrome with other conditions that are called autistic spectrum disorders or pervasive developmental disorders. These disorders all involve problems with social skills and communication. Asperger's syndrome is generally thought to be at the milder end of this spectrum.While there's no cure for Asperger's syndrome, if your child has the condition treatment can help him or her learn how to interact more successfully in social situations." by mayo clinic

Now that S is six, she has grown and changed. Some things have approved whereas others don't seem to be clicking - trying to explain feelings, interact with strangers, sharing, words, fits. etc.... these are the social/behavioral things that make me fight for her.... The only thing is it feels like no one will help her.

It cost a lot of money for Children's to re-examine her because they do not take Medi-cal after six in this department and she is not severe enough for San Diego Regional Center. S will prosper in her life with early intervention. It's just about finding the right way to teach her things, what can work for one issue may not work for another. As a mother and advocate I spend a lot of time researching this and doing it on my own. We've come so far, there is still more to do and this is way I need to find out exactly what it is to keep going. If I hear "There is something not right, it mystifies me... " from one more doctor - AGHHH!!!

Oh and we did make it outside for baseball, playdate, biking, and board games =) I am learning to not let this take my day over completely and focus on having good times in the moments that we have daily!

Who knows?

Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I think maybe I should start my life with an almost AA/NA type of feel "Hello my name is Isabel and I am a ______ (sinner, mother, selfish, etc....). " My life is full of so much to tell and I don't know half the words to explain it. When I do take time to share people usually say "You should write a book." , "How do you do it?" the thing is though is that I really don't share. That is why I thought of restarting this writing thing. I know people will read it so I still am guarding my hearts but, there is that part of me that is saying - LET IT GOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! So I guess I will try some baby steps with things that you may not have known about me.

1. I am a mother of four

2. We are in the process of fully adopting M and S.

3. My children are 7, 6, 4 and 3.

4. I am a fighter, in all things

5. I could do none of this without my God.

6. S has special needs, that we are still figuring out. Maybe she does? Maybe she doesn't?

7. I don't know what to do sometimes and have to fight going into my own bubble. I never do give into it or give up.

8. I still don't know what to call S special needs they diagnosed it as PDD-NOS (Pervasive Development disorder-none otherwise specified) since they didn't want to call it ASPERGERS or then again they don't know if it's Trauma induced.

9. I do accept it, I don't accept it. I HATE LABELS.

10. I love my children each one of them no different from the next.

11. I would have none of this without my husband's support and guidance.

12. Sometimes I just want to cry for how unfair the world is. A lot of times I do.

13. I am so mad at our system for the hole that it has for the lost children in the world.

14. I believe in nurture not nature.

............... I could go on and on. I was blabbing but hopefully listing it this way will help me to accept my daughters needs and the ups and downs that come with it. I wish I could give this to those people that wonder, question and stare at my parenting. Don't judge a parent by their child you never know what is inside.

Today is only Wednesday, hump day after today Thursday, then Friday then SPRING BREAK until the 22nd of April.!!! When I hear that I feel a mixture of feelings, excitement for the sunny days, days of no getting up early, time of bonding, then the other thoughts the HONEST thoughts hit me all the tears (he hit me!), boredom (I don’t know what to play with?), instruction ( you put the toilet seat like this!), constant neediness ( I’m hungry, can I have something to drink...). It’s only two weeks... we can do this breathe Isabel, breathe....

The positive side my schedule gets to take a break and not look like this

• J school drop off
• Preschool drop off (depending on day)
• errand/clean house time (1hour time span)
• S drop off
• 1 1/2 to clean some more, gym (optional), then school PTC stuff (yes I am crazy to be on this.)
• Reverse and Pick up Preschool, then the older two
• Tutoring depending on day
• Baseball or Softball something or other (nothing on FRIDays)
• Cook Dinner, EAT
• Shower, bedtime
• xRepeat

Now I know why these Richie, Rich women have home managers. I need one of those!! When one wants to intern for free I’ll be all over that.

Don’t get me wrong in any of this, I L-O-V-E my children each and every one of them. They are ALL mine, and I love to hear them say Mommy. Only 1/2 the time to I want to change my name.

I don’t know if I inherited the writing gene but, I do love to talk and I am a honest speaker, I don’t mind sharing the blessings and truth of our life. With a story like ours - How can you not? If I didn’t say that it wasn’t trying and exhausting I would be lying. We are a family of six! We have two boys and two girls. How do you do it? I don’t know, I’ll let you know when I figure it out and by that time I’ll be dead. Two of our children - J and K were our natural children, my other two bundle of blessings M and Salma were placed in our care literally overnight a year and half ago. Now I am the mother of a 7 year old boy, 6 year old girl, 4 year old boy, and a 3 year old girl. We are currently on the journey of adoption which is a whole different story. This is too make S and M our forever babies.

This blog is to let out my daily AGHHHHH moments, my THANK YOU LORDS, my OH NO SHE DIDN’T, Laughter and tears. Either way I hope someone finds pleasure in my crazy days.