Back to life, back to reality....

We are back home in one piece. This vacation was soooo......... needed. Three days of letting all the kids just be kids. I think my boys played baseball more on vacation then they actually do at home. All them had a blast.

I am so proud of everyone how they shared and got a long. I am extra proud of S how she handled everything. Toward the end of the trip, she started to unravel a little bit. Of course it was in public at the Library; she started showing her true colors in whining, and not making sense when complaining. The way that she uses her words to describe things seems like it's becoming more common.

Can you ever just let it go??? As time goes on maybe I'll get better at it. I find that I am constantly watching every movement, and word. Analzying "Aw... I see it there... why does she do that? Maybe she needs this?, Need to call BLank and BLANK place..... " I have to check myself and say enjoy the moments that I am given. Rejoice in all the blessings that I have. God will show us the right door when we find it.

I went yesterday to our local learning store. I was looking for soemthing that could help S with understanding actions with feelings, or textures. I asked the sales men if they had anything to help austistic children with the above. "I wish we carried more for autism and that sounds like some terrific tools, but we don't have anything like those - sorry." It's not his fault that they don't have it, it's the chain. I couldn't belive that they didn't carry anything at all!! Next to the bookstore to scan books that have the same information that I have heard for the BLANK amount of time. When I walked in there was a shelf that said Autism awarenenss month on a side of a bookshelf with six books. I asked where there autism section was and was pointed to ONE shelf not bigger then my computer screen. SERIOUSLY, it had like seven books and that was it. But as I sat on the floor in Barnes and Noble alone, scanning these books for random information. I again wanted to cry.... to cry for a little girl who is not yet all mine, to cry for the way that she sees the world, to cry for how much we have to fight for her in her life... to cry for how amazing and sweet she is.... to cry because you wish that you could change it... but then would she be her if you did change it? I love her laugh and smile when they are genuine because they are so real and true. I love the gleam in her eyes when she sees you smile at her. And when I find myself question ; Lord, why me? Why do we have to go through all this? I say THANK YOU GOD for blessing me with two additional beautiful children and giving us the opportunity.

Autism appointments: Finally scheduled with C.A.R.E.S and with Children's Hospital. C.A.R.E.S appointment is first. I'm not sure about them, so if I don't feel that they tested her right in her cognitive then we still have Children's left.

Adoption wise: Bought everyones birth certificates and our marriage certificate for the courts. Today off to be fingerprinted by every known agency they can find. It's too bad how much work adoption is, and how much little underlying $$$$ there is. You have to prove yourself so much more as a parent while all these random unfit people are just popping out babies. Honestly, sometimes I think that we all should be given a class and a license to have kids. Sorry it's just my thought.... that way neglected children would not be.