Mamma Mia Dia

This mother's day comes this year at a much needed time.  Daddy has been gone this whole week and we have him for one day this week TODAY before he is gone again until the 25th.  S had a hard time with the change of daddy being gone and I am sure she will be crying all day tomorrow again.  New schedules were placed around the house which have come to be a good thing and have lessened the morning chaos a little.  I have managed it all by myself, with sports, homework, and house problems along with the whole other dimension that S brings to everyday.

I am so blessed to be the mother of my four children. Regardless of how I became the mother of J, K, S and M. I love them all the same whether they are my biological or soon to be adopted children.  This is something that I have seen recently is a very hard thing  for people to accept and understand.  I don't have to explain myself, I do want to say though that being a mom is not about necessarily birthing the child because anyone can do that (HONESTLY).  It's about loving your child with all that you give,  even when you have one screaming at you words of anger, It's about teaching the child right and wrong for the life that is ahead of them, it's about telling them each day how much you adore them even when the words have become a blur to them(because you say them too much). I can go on and on.  Many of times I have sat here and said "Why Lord? Why me?"  I don't know why the Lord placed me with each one of my children, I just know that he did. There are times when I look at S and M and tell myself "I shouldn't be the one they call mom."  BUT I AM! I am the one that fights for them, the one that teaches them, loves them and always will.  It warms my heart to watch my children love each other, stand by each other and call each other brother and sister.  There is no seperation in their eyes and there is none in ours.

We had a mother's day tea at S's school with songs and a card that she read to me "My mom is Isabel.  I love my mom because she tack (her spelling) care of me I love you so much.  I like to go shopping with my mom.  She gets what me what I want and sometime you go to special plasis with me.  I love you mom Love S." 
J made me a "Feliz dia de Madre" flower, and M made me a little plaque with his picture and handprint that reads "I love my mommy because she give me cereal and shower in the morning. She colors with me and lets me play with my brothers and sisters." 


I am proud to be MOMMY to each one my little Monkeys. I love them so much and look forward to a well rested day (somewhat).

It all works out

After school her eyes were glossed, no eye contact, no talking to her friends when they were speaking to her.  I knew it was going to be one for the books. I said a quick prayer for a change of heart or whatever was bothering her.  Since Daddy has left, these last two days have been not so good.  She woke up in a FUNK and wanted  nothing to do with her TERRIFIC morning routine, nicely printed with pictures on display in her room.  That's okay change takes time.

I am very lucky to have the autism evaluation right around the corner.  Why does it feel so far then? Oh I know why, because we are living it everyday.  It's coming at us hard.  We try to dodge it, at times I try to run from it (lock myself in the bathroom -LITERALLY), we are doing our best to be kind in the hardest moments, we ARE the chicken running with it's head cut off.  Yes I know help is on it's why.  It's just that I don't know what to do.  Time-outs are pointless because I spend half the time trying to get her to stay there.  Then she doesn't even know why she's there.  If she does know, she doesn't understand why it's wrong etc..., etc...  They say that we learn from our errors and trails in life.  The only thing is with a typical person those don't come everyday.  With an Autistic person every moment in their life is learning a new rule, behavior, etc... There watching you, imitating you.

Today was such a crazy day beside the typical "Don't look at me! I can't get dressed!, I can't take my clothes off!, My pencil doesn't work!, My stomach hurts, No one likes me, You don't love me!" sort of crazy, dizzy roller-coaster.  Usually at the end of my day, my sanity walks in the door - MY HUSBAND!!
While since it's he's out of town my big freezer decided to not work, a big delivery wants to be delivered but furniture needs to be moved, adoption packet was mailed, life with S in between, PTC board (yes I am insane enough to be on a Parent board), life with K in between, Baseball practice, bike broken, and life with M and J.

Now they are all in bed. I am about to crochet another fun gift for a beautiful friend, apple juice beside me (it's so hot over here I need to hydrate). I DID FIX THE FREEZER all by myself (hit reset on the outlet), I rescheduled the delivery and in between all of the above I booked a Family Vacation for June with a rented RV.  SO PROUD OF MYSELF.  TA-DA!!!

Tomorrow is another day - another day to book appointments for S for therapy.  Another day to not get to finish some project, another day for baseball but, most importantly another day to smile and love each one of my little God given munchkins.   In the end that is what I am called to do, to be the best mommy that I can be everyday.  I know I lose it at times because I am HUMAN but I think I do pretty good job, even when I do think "Gee I suck!"
I remember to breathe, lace up the shoes and put my big girl panties on. 

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!!

I love my kids, I really, really do.  Why is it though that I feel that most of time they can't see  this?  I always hated that saying "I'm doing this because I love you...."  While that saying has become one of my greatest lines, used often in our household.  The things that they spend their time crying about is such a waste of time.  It's like come on now!! If you only knew all the fun things that we could spend our time doing if you just stopped all this nonsense.

J hates doing homework, so I have to shove that and reading down his throat.  By the way I LOVE READING, from classics, to pure fun, and educational - LOVE IT ALL!!  So this is like a slap in my face. I threatened him today that if he doesn't stop whining about his homework, his hair is mine!! I would love to cut it sometime soon.  

 M-is always bouncing off the walls literally.  Remember the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin? Their was a part with a kid with a bucket on his head just ramming it into the wall over and over again, that is M. He actually has done this, and boy does he talk back and say "You don't love me, I don't like you!, blah blah...  (he's had a hard past and yes it shows at times.) BUT REALLY KID, I LOVE YOU that is why I'm adopting you.  Yes I can't say that so I just reassure him nicely.  Honestly though he's super, duper smart, just active.

K - oh my K, she truly is the youngest of four, always in everybody's business and has something to say about everything and anything regardless of who it's concerning.  She also loves to eat CONSTANTLY.  This is where our problem is, I do not feed her all the time, I do not feed her junk and she's strong willed so just get's louder and whiner.  OH K!! I am so sorry I do not want to teach you to grow up and scarf food down like the little piggy you want to be.  IT'S BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!!  

And S - While don't I spend half this blog, blogging about her?  I love you honey, I love you when your screaming hurtful, nasty things at me.  I know you don't understand.  I love you when I'm trying to tell you calmly what you did wrong and your eyes are somewhere else.  I love you when you try to swing at me and say you don't love me.  I love you soooo... much and forever all I WANT TO DO IS LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!

There are amazing things about my kids that I adore as well. It's just that today seemed like there was some extra nonsense going on. I just wanted them to get it.  How many times do you have to repeat the same thing.  I am learning patience and how to truly stay calm almost sarcastic like.  Now that daddy is gone for a month.  I am looking forward to creative ideas, play time and board games with them.  I know it may be wishful thinking in the business of it all.  But if I get one day like this I will be stoked.  

We bought whiteboards today for schedule making to help S.  I hope tomorrow is a better day.  She had a such a hard time today understanding that daddy left for a little while.  She cried for a hour for her daddy to come home. It broke my heart.  I know that tomorrow will be better. 

So goes the story...

Given how busy we have been, the Lord felt there was more for me to learn about patience.  So off I send my husband to work out of town for 4 weeks (I think longer).  I was not expecting this, at this moment in time, but oh well.  For the next month, I will be alone managing the household.  Yes, for the most part I am always alone but, there is something nice knowing that Daddy is going to walk in the door at anytime.  Am I scared? a little.  Nervous? a little - That's life though.  I'm not one to pity myself too long.  Just pick it up and keep moving, life goes on.    We will be enjoying our last weekend together for awhile.  Most of all though I am a little apprehensive to how S will be come Monday when Daddy leaves.

We shared this with the kids last night over dinner.  We also explained to them that the reason that Daddy needed to go work out of town was to make more  money so that S and M can have our same last name and we can be their forever mommy and daddy!!  S and M were so excited by this, M got a huge grin on his face and S had to reinstate everything all over again.  This brings me to the adoption.  I will never let them go, that is why we are adopting them, they are just as much as my babies as J and K.  Recently though, I have been thinking about S with her Aspergers. I tend to let myself and thoughts wonder What If this? What if that? I know it's pointless and a waste of time.  It's just one thing to adopt a normal kid let alone one that has a disability, where your whole life has to change.

I've been not wanting to change anything in my life, you think that I would have learned right.  I wonder is it wrong of me to just want a little normalcy for while. I don't know, the Lord says that He doesn't give us more then we handle.  Mine my insides must be buff.  
We love sports in this family, we live on the go.  With that though S's Aspergers has been flying high waving all sorts of colors.  All the psychiatrists and doctors are telling me that we need to give her more of a consistent schedule, that it is overloading her with our on the go lifestyle.  What am I suppose to do? All of this is easier said then done.  Daddy and I talked it over a little bit last night and we may have to hire someone on our busy days to stay home with S so that she can have some down time.  She probably won't like this but, if she's exhausted I think it's okay if she misses a little game time here and there. Is that wrong?  I feel kind of bad? I like my children too always be together.  But I don't like rages in public.  THoughts?

I will be buying some dry erase boards to help her with a visual schedule of what is expected in her day. Hopefully that helps her to know her routine better in the morning and after school.

My faith has grown so much during the last two years, I have learned to trust in the Lord no matter what we see coming at us or don't see coming.  I have walked blindly in faith knowing that he will protect us and guide us.  I have prayed for his guidance and to remove things in my life (some he has, others he didn't).  Most of all the one thing that I tell myself through all this is 
1. Who am I to question the Lord.
2.  He doesn't give us more then we can handle. (I must me made of stone then, ha ha)
3.  Trust and lean on Him for strength.
4. And I was not created for myself but for Him and for my family.

Wish us luck and I am sure I will be posting about the transition that all this will create.  Daddy though will be back for our Adoption Investigation and court dates.  I will have to face the Autism appointments  on my own. I find myself a lot without words and all I can say is "Lord, oh Lord

A cute S'ism = Sunshinescreen = sunscreen,  vocaberries = vocabulary.  
Side note on amazement = S loves to read, if you read her something one time, she remembers what you said no matter how long ago she doesn't relate the words though to other books like the here is also the in another book.  But, she just impressed me by reading a very big story without messing up.  I asked her "Who read this too her before?"  My teacher a long time ago.  The mind is amazing.  

Tired is an understatement

Before reading I apologize about my rant you are about to read, a little much maybe but that is just a glimpse of what my day truly was.

I had forgotten yesterday that my preschoolers do not restart school until Wednesday.  They only go three days a week until 1pm.  But, those three days oh how I love it!! I can workout, run errands quietly, clean the house quietly, or my favorite come home and have a cup of coffee quietly.

It was also the first day back to school for my two older children- J and S.   I had really thought that S would be so happy and excited to go back to school.  NO that was not the case.  The moment that I woke her up for school, she was grumpy/whining/yelling.  She was mad about everything!!!  I guess she's right though, of course she was mad her schedule was changing, yet again!! She had fits to the car in the car, at our errands, going to school, at the school, however the moment her teacher said "Good Morning Salma."  She was all smiles, snapped out of it like it never happened and off to her day. Should I be thankful for this? Or wish just once she would lose it for them?

One friend had said once "The one thing with aspergers/autism unlike other things is that no one can tell the child is autistic from the outside, there is not physical appearance that marks them.  And if you didn't know better you would think the kid was just being disagreeable (aka: BRAT)."  She is so right.  It is horrible when your kid loses it at six years old with a fit in public.  She is screaming Nonsense at you.  Hitting you when you come close and all you can do is pick her up and hold her till she calms down. Even then she is hitting and trying to get out.  Sometimes a simple "shhhh.... " in her ear like a baby works. And sometimes (like yesterday) daddy has to step in and take over. What am I going to do when she is bigger then me? At the end of this when she is tired all you do is hold her in your lap and soothe her any way possible.

I try to gear myself up if I can expect it.  It never seems though like I am ready enough.  As soon as we were walking to car after school. Here returned my poor exhausted daughter, true and blue, whining and crying.  I felt so bad that we had a baseball game to attend later in the evening and deep down knowing what is to come.   Daddy as he is embracing this is yet again the more patient one, there is something sweet about just having to look at him with a certain look and he knows it's one of those moments as he comes to SAVE THE DAY.

While the rest of the day remains for Costco errands (feeding a family of six).  Warning Costco: A crazy mother with two preschoolers and pushing two carts alone is on her way - WATCH OUT!  Payless shoe store for sandals for K. Cleaning house as always and of course the everyday adventures of who knows what.

Coming to an End

Spring Break is coming to an end. We've had two whole weeks of pure craziness - good and bad. Out of all of this family time together, I am going to miss sleeping in until 8:30am in the morning. Back to the normal life of 5:30am wake up call. At least for S, she is use to the schedule of school and she will be happy to get back to what is expected. Daddy has been off with us these last two weeks and it has been a mixed blessing. He has been able to see S for truly all that goes on with her, that he misses while he is at work. At this point I want to mention one of my older ones... my seven year old J.

My seven year old boy is one of the most amazing kids that I have met. Am I being biased - NO, and let me think about it NO! He really is. When he was 5 years old two kids entered into his life literally overnight. Overnight he had to suddenly share his mommy and daddy and all that he called his with two other children. We've always instilled our Christian beliefs into J and taught him that we are called to Love one another. We shared with him how the bible/God instructs us to take care of widows and orphans, and to share all that the Lord has given him with others. He understood this and never once has complained. He never once has asked for them to leave. He has watched S go through fits, rages, and cries over all her trauma and now with her Aspergers coming to a head he is patient and kind with her. We have began to explain to him how God makes everyone different and that S just like everyone else is different, she just learns things a different way that we do. That God puts different people in our lives to teach us different things and to help us, weather it be for the moment or lifelong with patience, love, or some other lesson. We talked about all that we love S for. Now, to watch my young telling her sweetly and caring just like a brother should "It is going to be okay S, mama said that if you calm down you can play with us..." "Here S...you can do it (when he can do it)", "S can you help me... (when he needs none at all)" SO J - I know you'll never read this but I want to let you know that for seven years old, you are one incredible young man. Not many people would share their whole life - giving and loving without complaining. I am SO PROUD of you and all that your becoming... I know that this time in your life has been difficult and to watch others cry has been hard but you do so well. THANK YOU for being you, because it's not how mommy and daddy made you but how God did. I LOVE YOU!!

With all the tantrums and overwhelming that can go on in our day, I am so blessed to watch my little man step up to the plate and understand the best he can. This is what today showed me in the middle of Target as S was losing it because it was so crowded due to Easter. When S lost it and started hitting and screaming at him because I took her books away, and it had nothing to do with him. He sat patiently and understood that she is different and when she was done his question was. "Mommy she calmed down can she please ride bikes with me?"

This blog is starting to grow on me. I look forward to sharing with everyone the outcomes of where we are at. And the questions I ask to get answered by other people. The community of supporters or other people that have gone through this is reassuring that it all will work out, we just have to work at it.

C.A.R.E.S was able to fit us in on May 10th so excited!!! S is meeting with a new psychiatrist tommorow that maybe can help us with something?? I also found out about a new place called Total Education Services. Thank you (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) for sharing with me about it. I am excited to learn more about their speech and language therapy!!!

Back to life, back to reality....

We are back home in one piece. This vacation was soooo......... needed. Three days of letting all the kids just be kids. I think my boys played baseball more on vacation then they actually do at home. All them had a blast.

I am so proud of everyone how they shared and got a long. I am extra proud of S how she handled everything. Toward the end of the trip, she started to unravel a little bit. Of course it was in public at the Library; she started showing her true colors in whining, and not making sense when complaining. The way that she uses her words to describe things seems like it's becoming more common.

Can you ever just let it go??? As time goes on maybe I'll get better at it. I find that I am constantly watching every movement, and word. Analzying "Aw... I see it there... why does she do that? Maybe she needs this?, Need to call BLank and BLANK place..... " I have to check myself and say enjoy the moments that I am given. Rejoice in all the blessings that I have. God will show us the right door when we find it.

I went yesterday to our local learning store. I was looking for soemthing that could help S with understanding actions with feelings, or textures. I asked the sales men if they had anything to help austistic children with the above. "I wish we carried more for autism and that sounds like some terrific tools, but we don't have anything like those - sorry." It's not his fault that they don't have it, it's the chain. I couldn't belive that they didn't carry anything at all!! Next to the bookstore to scan books that have the same information that I have heard for the BLANK amount of time. When I walked in there was a shelf that said Autism awarenenss month on a side of a bookshelf with six books. I asked where there autism section was and was pointed to ONE shelf not bigger then my computer screen. SERIOUSLY, it had like seven books and that was it. But as I sat on the floor in Barnes and Noble alone, scanning these books for random information. I again wanted to cry.... to cry for a little girl who is not yet all mine, to cry for the way that she sees the world, to cry for how much we have to fight for her in her life... to cry for how amazing and sweet she is.... to cry because you wish that you could change it... but then would she be her if you did change it? I love her laugh and smile when they are genuine because they are so real and true. I love the gleam in her eyes when she sees you smile at her. And when I find myself question ; Lord, why me? Why do we have to go through all this? I say THANK YOU GOD for blessing me with two additional beautiful children and giving us the opportunity.

Autism appointments: Finally scheduled with C.A.R.E.S and with Children's Hospital. C.A.R.E.S appointment is first. I'm not sure about them, so if I don't feel that they tested her right in her cognitive then we still have Children's left.

Adoption wise: Bought everyones birth certificates and our marriage certificate for the courts. Today off to be fingerprinted by every known agency they can find. It's too bad how much work adoption is, and how much little underlying $$$$ there is. You have to prove yourself so much more as a parent while all these random unfit people are just popping out babies. Honestly, sometimes I think that we all should be given a class and a license to have kids. Sorry it's just my thought.... that way neglected children would not be.