So goes the story...

Given how busy we have been, the Lord felt there was more for me to learn about patience.  So off I send my husband to work out of town for 4 weeks (I think longer).  I was not expecting this, at this moment in time, but oh well.  For the next month, I will be alone managing the household.  Yes, for the most part I am always alone but, there is something nice knowing that Daddy is going to walk in the door at anytime.  Am I scared? a little.  Nervous? a little - That's life though.  I'm not one to pity myself too long.  Just pick it up and keep moving, life goes on.    We will be enjoying our last weekend together for awhile.  Most of all though I am a little apprehensive to how S will be come Monday when Daddy leaves.

We shared this with the kids last night over dinner.  We also explained to them that the reason that Daddy needed to go work out of town was to make more  money so that S and M can have our same last name and we can be their forever mommy and daddy!!  S and M were so excited by this, M got a huge grin on his face and S had to reinstate everything all over again.  This brings me to the adoption.  I will never let them go, that is why we are adopting them, they are just as much as my babies as J and K.  Recently though, I have been thinking about S with her Aspergers. I tend to let myself and thoughts wonder What If this? What if that? I know it's pointless and a waste of time.  It's just one thing to adopt a normal kid let alone one that has a disability, where your whole life has to change.

I've been not wanting to change anything in my life, you think that I would have learned right.  I wonder is it wrong of me to just want a little normalcy for while. I don't know, the Lord says that He doesn't give us more then we handle.  Mine my insides must be buff.  
We love sports in this family, we live on the go.  With that though S's Aspergers has been flying high waving all sorts of colors.  All the psychiatrists and doctors are telling me that we need to give her more of a consistent schedule, that it is overloading her with our on the go lifestyle.  What am I suppose to do? All of this is easier said then done.  Daddy and I talked it over a little bit last night and we may have to hire someone on our busy days to stay home with S so that she can have some down time.  She probably won't like this but, if she's exhausted I think it's okay if she misses a little game time here and there. Is that wrong?  I feel kind of bad? I like my children too always be together.  But I don't like rages in public.  THoughts?

I will be buying some dry erase boards to help her with a visual schedule of what is expected in her day. Hopefully that helps her to know her routine better in the morning and after school.

My faith has grown so much during the last two years, I have learned to trust in the Lord no matter what we see coming at us or don't see coming.  I have walked blindly in faith knowing that he will protect us and guide us.  I have prayed for his guidance and to remove things in my life (some he has, others he didn't).  Most of all the one thing that I tell myself through all this is 
1. Who am I to question the Lord.
2.  He doesn't give us more then we can handle. (I must me made of stone then, ha ha)
3.  Trust and lean on Him for strength.
4. And I was not created for myself but for Him and for my family.

Wish us luck and I am sure I will be posting about the transition that all this will create.  Daddy though will be back for our Adoption Investigation and court dates.  I will have to face the Autism appointments  on my own. I find myself a lot without words and all I can say is "Lord, oh Lord

A cute S'ism = Sunshinescreen = sunscreen,  vocaberries = vocabulary.  
Side note on amazement = S loves to read, if you read her something one time, she remembers what you said no matter how long ago she doesn't relate the words though to other books like the here is also the in another book.  But, she just impressed me by reading a very big story without messing up.  I asked her "Who read this too her before?"  My teacher a long time ago.  The mind is amazing.  

Tired is an understatement

Before reading I apologize about my rant you are about to read, a little much maybe but that is just a glimpse of what my day truly was.

I had forgotten yesterday that my preschoolers do not restart school until Wednesday.  They only go three days a week until 1pm.  But, those three days oh how I love it!! I can workout, run errands quietly, clean the house quietly, or my favorite come home and have a cup of coffee quietly.

It was also the first day back to school for my two older children- J and S.   I had really thought that S would be so happy and excited to go back to school.  NO that was not the case.  The moment that I woke her up for school, she was grumpy/whining/yelling.  She was mad about everything!!!  I guess she's right though, of course she was mad her schedule was changing, yet again!! She had fits to the car in the car, at our errands, going to school, at the school, however the moment her teacher said "Good Morning Salma."  She was all smiles, snapped out of it like it never happened and off to her day. Should I be thankful for this? Or wish just once she would lose it for them?

One friend had said once "The one thing with aspergers/autism unlike other things is that no one can tell the child is autistic from the outside, there is not physical appearance that marks them.  And if you didn't know better you would think the kid was just being disagreeable (aka: BRAT)."  She is so right.  It is horrible when your kid loses it at six years old with a fit in public.  She is screaming Nonsense at you.  Hitting you when you come close and all you can do is pick her up and hold her till she calms down. Even then she is hitting and trying to get out.  Sometimes a simple "shhhh.... " in her ear like a baby works. And sometimes (like yesterday) daddy has to step in and take over. What am I going to do when she is bigger then me? At the end of this when she is tired all you do is hold her in your lap and soothe her any way possible.

I try to gear myself up if I can expect it.  It never seems though like I am ready enough.  As soon as we were walking to car after school. Here returned my poor exhausted daughter, true and blue, whining and crying.  I felt so bad that we had a baseball game to attend later in the evening and deep down knowing what is to come.   Daddy as he is embracing this is yet again the more patient one, there is something sweet about just having to look at him with a certain look and he knows it's one of those moments as he comes to SAVE THE DAY.

While the rest of the day remains for Costco errands (feeding a family of six).  Warning Costco: A crazy mother with two preschoolers and pushing two carts alone is on her way - WATCH OUT!  Payless shoe store for sandals for K. Cleaning house as always and of course the everyday adventures of who knows what.

Coming to an End

Spring Break is coming to an end. We've had two whole weeks of pure craziness - good and bad. Out of all of this family time together, I am going to miss sleeping in until 8:30am in the morning. Back to the normal life of 5:30am wake up call. At least for S, she is use to the schedule of school and she will be happy to get back to what is expected. Daddy has been off with us these last two weeks and it has been a mixed blessing. He has been able to see S for truly all that goes on with her, that he misses while he is at work. At this point I want to mention one of my older ones... my seven year old J.

My seven year old boy is one of the most amazing kids that I have met. Am I being biased - NO, and let me think about it NO! He really is. When he was 5 years old two kids entered into his life literally overnight. Overnight he had to suddenly share his mommy and daddy and all that he called his with two other children. We've always instilled our Christian beliefs into J and taught him that we are called to Love one another. We shared with him how the bible/God instructs us to take care of widows and orphans, and to share all that the Lord has given him with others. He understood this and never once has complained. He never once has asked for them to leave. He has watched S go through fits, rages, and cries over all her trauma and now with her Aspergers coming to a head he is patient and kind with her. We have began to explain to him how God makes everyone different and that S just like everyone else is different, she just learns things a different way that we do. That God puts different people in our lives to teach us different things and to help us, weather it be for the moment or lifelong with patience, love, or some other lesson. We talked about all that we love S for. Now, to watch my young telling her sweetly and caring just like a brother should "It is going to be okay S, mama said that if you calm down you can play with us..." "Here S...you can do it (when he can do it)", "S can you help me... (when he needs none at all)" SO J - I know you'll never read this but I want to let you know that for seven years old, you are one incredible young man. Not many people would share their whole life - giving and loving without complaining. I am SO PROUD of you and all that your becoming... I know that this time in your life has been difficult and to watch others cry has been hard but you do so well. THANK YOU for being you, because it's not how mommy and daddy made you but how God did. I LOVE YOU!!

With all the tantrums and overwhelming that can go on in our day, I am so blessed to watch my little man step up to the plate and understand the best he can. This is what today showed me in the middle of Target as S was losing it because it was so crowded due to Easter. When S lost it and started hitting and screaming at him because I took her books away, and it had nothing to do with him. He sat patiently and understood that she is different and when she was done his question was. "Mommy she calmed down can she please ride bikes with me?"

This blog is starting to grow on me. I look forward to sharing with everyone the outcomes of where we are at. And the questions I ask to get answered by other people. The community of supporters or other people that have gone through this is reassuring that it all will work out, we just have to work at it.

C.A.R.E.S was able to fit us in on May 10th so excited!!! S is meeting with a new psychiatrist tommorow that maybe can help us with something?? I also found out about a new place called Total Education Services. Thank you (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) for sharing with me about it. I am excited to learn more about their speech and language therapy!!!

Back to life, back to reality....

We are back home in one piece. This vacation was soooo......... needed. Three days of letting all the kids just be kids. I think my boys played baseball more on vacation then they actually do at home. All them had a blast.

I am so proud of everyone how they shared and got a long. I am extra proud of S how she handled everything. Toward the end of the trip, she started to unravel a little bit. Of course it was in public at the Library; she started showing her true colors in whining, and not making sense when complaining. The way that she uses her words to describe things seems like it's becoming more common.

Can you ever just let it go??? As time goes on maybe I'll get better at it. I find that I am constantly watching every movement, and word. Analzying "Aw... I see it there... why does she do that? Maybe she needs this?, Need to call BLank and BLANK place..... " I have to check myself and say enjoy the moments that I am given. Rejoice in all the blessings that I have. God will show us the right door when we find it.

I went yesterday to our local learning store. I was looking for soemthing that could help S with understanding actions with feelings, or textures. I asked the sales men if they had anything to help austistic children with the above. "I wish we carried more for autism and that sounds like some terrific tools, but we don't have anything like those - sorry." It's not his fault that they don't have it, it's the chain. I couldn't belive that they didn't carry anything at all!! Next to the bookstore to scan books that have the same information that I have heard for the BLANK amount of time. When I walked in there was a shelf that said Autism awarenenss month on a side of a bookshelf with six books. I asked where there autism section was and was pointed to ONE shelf not bigger then my computer screen. SERIOUSLY, it had like seven books and that was it. But as I sat on the floor in Barnes and Noble alone, scanning these books for random information. I again wanted to cry.... to cry for a little girl who is not yet all mine, to cry for the way that she sees the world, to cry for how much we have to fight for her in her life... to cry for how amazing and sweet she is.... to cry because you wish that you could change it... but then would she be her if you did change it? I love her laugh and smile when they are genuine because they are so real and true. I love the gleam in her eyes when she sees you smile at her. And when I find myself question ; Lord, why me? Why do we have to go through all this? I say THANK YOU GOD for blessing me with two additional beautiful children and giving us the opportunity.

Autism appointments: Finally scheduled with C.A.R.E.S and with Children's Hospital. C.A.R.E.S appointment is first. I'm not sure about them, so if I don't feel that they tested her right in her cognitive then we still have Children's left.

Adoption wise: Bought everyones birth certificates and our marriage certificate for the courts. Today off to be fingerprinted by every known agency they can find. It's too bad how much work adoption is, and how much little underlying $$$$ there is. You have to prove yourself so much more as a parent while all these random unfit people are just popping out babies. Honestly, sometimes I think that we all should be given a class and a license to have kids. Sorry it's just my thought.... that way neglected children would not be.

Beautiful day in the neighborhood

Remember that song by Mister Rodgers, "It's a Beautiful day in the neighborhood, won't you be my neighbor." sometimes I still sing it. A lot of times I think about it in the hard moments in our day. Or if I was my neighbor, I would say NO, that lady is crazy!! Like at this exact moment if I hear "I don't want to", "Why can they..", Why can't I....", "How come..." ME ME ME ME ME ME one more time I am going to SCREAM not really though but I want to inside!! Lord, please calm me down and give me the patience that I need to endure today, I pray that S gets in a better mood as we are about to hit the road. Amen.

I found this blog post about what it's like as a parent with a kid with needs, so true good read to see what it's like. Click here

We are about to punish ourselves then reward ourselves by driving 5 hours to visit some family friends. I am so looking forward to this trip. My friend has two children around the same age as my four. We became friends through J when he was in preschool our kids were best buds and we clicked. She is my friend that in the good and the bad I want to run too. My revitalizer, her strength and faith are an encouragement to me. Plus, our kids LOVE each other.

Yesterday was gorgeous here. We spent the day at the tide pools, and pizza for dinner. Everyone loved it!! I couldn't stop secretly crying inside that one day all of them will be so grown up. We honestly did not have too many break downs, they were all handled in a timely manner. J and S love laughing together and he loves teaching and showing her new things since he's a whole year older (sarcasm). One day though will it just stop? Will her innocence and questions still go while he just understands things?

I did receive a call back from both C.A.R.E.S and Children's Hospital. C.A.R.E.S wants to set up an appointment with me and daddy. I am a little nervous though since I don't know how in depth the evaluation will be with them. They meet with us for an hour then we come back another day for 2hours, then we come back again to talk about the diagnosis. My concern is that with ASPERGERS how do they see it?

I spoke to her previous doctor at Children's regarding the PDD-NOS/TRAUMA evaluation given to her and everything that I described to her she said was not trauma related since that has approved but more related to the autism. She gave me a number to call at the Autism Discovery Institute they just opened to see if anyone can help me but they didn't know where to send me. Oh well the weekend is upon us and this can wait till next week.

Questions for anyone that can answer regarding Aspergers:

1. What do you do when your kid has a tantrum, do you ignore it?

2. Time outs they don't work do they?

3. Do you ignore your kid when they do wrong funnies or do you correct them?

I also signed more papers with the attorney regarding the adoption, so that we can keep going forward. I received our packet of adoption paper work and OH MY it is a lot of stuff. Fingerprints, medical forms, birth and marriage certified certificates, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da.

SERIOUSLY anyone want to work for me for free and experience. You get to learn how to run your own business, be a personal assistant to four little people, an advocate on autism, a psychologist at times, counselor, driver and cook.

Have a great weekend, see you in four days.......

Is it cold like a candy cane??

We've had some busy days. Daddy took some time off to help me with Spring Break and it's been a such a blessing. We've really been focusing on just letting the kids hang out, and spending time together as a family. It's been really nice. We've had late night movies, and outings, park days and crafts.

It's also nice to know that when S breaks down during the day that he's there too. We've had a hard time with accepting that maybe for sure it is Aspergers. A lot of this is due to the previous diagnosis's. Lately though it's becoming more apparent. EXAMPLE BELOW:

Today we had S's therapy. What exactly they do in there - Who knows?? I asked her after they were done "What did you talk about today?" I know, I know, how could I!! Well... she's my kid. Her answer typical Aspie answer "How sometimes mommy forgets to give me breakfast." My first reaction was to get mad and say REALLY S, Really!! On my behalf that happened one time last week , one time! And I didn't forget we were short on time! S has breakfast everyday when she wakes up, it's a mark to her day. Apparently I disrupted her day enough, that she felt like she had to talk about it. I reminded myself this and let it go... I can't get mad at her when I asked for it. I was mentioning this to my husband and he started laughing. We started to share and laugh at the things that she says example: I ask her to not touch J's hat -"Why does he get to touch it all the time? (insert whining voice)" Don't touch the passenger door - "Why do you and daddy get to touch it all the time?" (insert whining voice).

Daddy was saying what he doesn't understand - is how sometimes she is trying to tell a story or ask a question and it makes no sense. "Like the other day she asked -"Is it cold like a candy- cane?" I asked what S? and she said "oh never mind". " I can see where her relation was to cold with candy-cane but I just had to laugh, I cracked up so hard!!!

I learned though from this because later S and I went to grocery store together. She has a hard time with cold and hot. So for example "S what is cold?" answer - Sour Cream, Choclate, hot dogs, juice (as she touches it). LIGHTBULB I finally got it!!! It's not if the actual item like ice cream, or milk is cold but the container that item is in if it is cold or cool. It doesn't matter if it sits on a shelf in the fridge or in the pantry. I just had to smile!! I love her, she was so excited to push her own cart around the store. On the way home she asked about driving one day and how old she will have to be. Oh I pray for the day she's on the road.

We did have a breakthrough today with a couple of things. I called C.A.R.E.S today to ask about the pricing of their evaluation and they take S's insurance!!! Yeah for me!! So excited to have her evaluation paid for and not $1800 miracle dollars! They also offer therapies on sight for her (DOUBLE BLESSING!!) On the adoption front, we have another appointment tomorrow, home visit is scheduled and outlook = GREATNESS!!

And for my husband a SHOUT OUT To you!! He is one of the most amazing men if not the most amazing man I have ever met. He took two weeks off of work to help me. He is so hands on with each and every child. I don't know too many men who would welcome add two additional children overnight into their life and love them just like their own. Then encourge addoption, and support ones needs. I am lucky and thankful that he lets me stay home. So kisses to you!!

Definitions of PDD-NOS and ASPERGERS

Today is the first day of our spring break, instead of spending the day today running outside, swimming and having fun. I am doing my own "work". The "work" that everyone wonders; what does she do all day? So far it's 10am and I have already made breakfast, kids dressed, dentist appointments made, optometrist appt. made. and now off I go into the barracks of trying to find help for S.

What exactly is PDD-NOS? "Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified, or PDD-NOS, for short, is a condition on the spectrum that has those with it exhibiting some, but not all, of the symptoms associated with classic autism. That can include difficulty socializing with others, repetitive behaviors, and heightened sensitivities to certain stimuli. " by Autisim speaks

The reason that S got diagnosed with PDD-NOS was because she was five years old when she first received this diagnosis now that she is six she is due to be re-evaluated. Children's Hospital does not like to jump into labeling a kid with Asperger's and most Aspergerians don't start showing signs until six. This is because it's a social and behavioral issue not academic. What is Asperger's? "Asperger's syndrome is a developmental disorder that affects a person's ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others. Children with Asperger's syndrome typically exhibit social awkwardness and an all-absorbing interest in specific topics.

Doctors group Asperger's syndrome with other conditions that are called autistic spectrum disorders or pervasive developmental disorders. These disorders all involve problems with social skills and communication. Asperger's syndrome is generally thought to be at the milder end of this spectrum.While there's no cure for Asperger's syndrome, if your child has the condition treatment can help him or her learn how to interact more successfully in social situations." by mayo clinic

Now that S is six, she has grown and changed. Some things have approved whereas others don't seem to be clicking - trying to explain feelings, interact with strangers, sharing, words, fits. etc.... these are the social/behavioral things that make me fight for her.... The only thing is it feels like no one will help her.

It cost a lot of money for Children's to re-examine her because they do not take Medi-cal after six in this department and she is not severe enough for San Diego Regional Center. S will prosper in her life with early intervention. It's just about finding the right way to teach her things, what can work for one issue may not work for another. As a mother and advocate I spend a lot of time researching this and doing it on my own. We've come so far, there is still more to do and this is way I need to find out exactly what it is to keep going. If I hear "There is something not right, it mystifies me... " from one more doctor - AGHHH!!!

Oh and we did make it outside for baseball, playdate, biking, and board games =) I am learning to not let this take my day over completely and focus on having good times in the moments that we have daily!

Who knows?

Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I think maybe I should start my life with an almost AA/NA type of feel "Hello my name is Isabel and I am a ______ (sinner, mother, selfish, etc....). " My life is full of so much to tell and I don't know half the words to explain it. When I do take time to share people usually say "You should write a book." , "How do you do it?" the thing is though is that I really don't share. That is why I thought of restarting this writing thing. I know people will read it so I still am guarding my hearts but, there is that part of me that is saying - LET IT GOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! So I guess I will try some baby steps with things that you may not have known about me.

1. I am a mother of four

2. We are in the process of fully adopting M and S.

3. My children are 7, 6, 4 and 3.

4. I am a fighter, in all things

5. I could do none of this without my God.

6. S has special needs, that we are still figuring out. Maybe she does? Maybe she doesn't?

7. I don't know what to do sometimes and have to fight going into my own bubble. I never do give into it or give up.

8. I still don't know what to call S special needs they diagnosed it as PDD-NOS (Pervasive Development disorder-none otherwise specified) since they didn't want to call it ASPERGERS or then again they don't know if it's Trauma induced.

9. I do accept it, I don't accept it. I HATE LABELS.

10. I love my children each one of them no different from the next.

11. I would have none of this without my husband's support and guidance.

12. Sometimes I just want to cry for how unfair the world is. A lot of times I do.

13. I am so mad at our system for the hole that it has for the lost children in the world.

14. I believe in nurture not nature.

............... I could go on and on. I was blabbing but hopefully listing it this way will help me to accept my daughters needs and the ups and downs that come with it. I wish I could give this to those people that wonder, question and stare at my parenting. Don't judge a parent by their child you never know what is inside.

Today is only Wednesday, hump day after today Thursday, then Friday then SPRING BREAK until the 22nd of April.!!! When I hear that I feel a mixture of feelings, excitement for the sunny days, days of no getting up early, time of bonding, then the other thoughts the HONEST thoughts hit me all the tears (he hit me!), boredom (I don’t know what to play with?), instruction ( you put the toilet seat like this!), constant neediness ( I’m hungry, can I have something to drink...). It’s only two weeks... we can do this breathe Isabel, breathe....

The positive side my schedule gets to take a break and not look like this

• J school drop off
• Preschool drop off (depending on day)
• errand/clean house time (1hour time span)
• S drop off
• 1 1/2 to clean some more, gym (optional), then school PTC stuff (yes I am crazy to be on this.)
• Reverse and Pick up Preschool, then the older two
• Tutoring depending on day
• Baseball or Softball something or other (nothing on FRIDays)
• Cook Dinner, EAT
• Shower, bedtime
• xRepeat

Now I know why these Richie, Rich women have home managers. I need one of those!! When one wants to intern for free I’ll be all over that.

Don’t get me wrong in any of this, I L-O-V-E my children each and every one of them. They are ALL mine, and I love to hear them say Mommy. Only 1/2 the time to I want to change my name.

I don’t know if I inherited the writing gene but, I do love to talk and I am a honest speaker, I don’t mind sharing the blessings and truth of our life. With a story like ours - How can you not? If I didn’t say that it wasn’t trying and exhausting I would be lying. We are a family of six! We have two boys and two girls. How do you do it? I don’t know, I’ll let you know when I figure it out and by that time I’ll be dead. Two of our children - J and K were our natural children, my other two bundle of blessings M and Salma were placed in our care literally overnight a year and half ago. Now I am the mother of a 7 year old boy, 6 year old girl, 4 year old boy, and a 3 year old girl. We are currently on the journey of adoption which is a whole different story. This is too make S and M our forever babies.

This blog is to let out my daily AGHHHHH moments, my THANK YOU LORDS, my OH NO SHE DIDN’T, Laughter and tears. Either way I hope someone finds pleasure in my crazy days.