How do you do it?

How do you do it? This is a question that I hear almost on a daily basis.  To tell you the truth I never know what to say.   Do I bow my head and say thank you, do I spill the beans and I say I am holding on by a string; What do you say?

To tell everyone the truth - I DON"T KNOW! Am I "doing it"?  I don't think I am, I literally live in moment to moment.  My day is spent from one step the other. I have adoption, autism, doctor appointments, raising everyone,  to busy to focus on "Isabel what are you doing?"  When I do stop to look at what I am doing.  I colapse, I feel like I can't breathe at times and find myself glued to a spot in the house not able to go to the next step.  There are times when I loudly say "I CAN"T DO THIS!" and I let my children here me pray to the Lord to give me strength.  I do lose it and the calm is right out the door like it wasn't even a part of me.

Writing this right now is causing me to breathe heavy, the tears are sitting on my eyelids waiting to pour out.  I don't allow myself to cry to often, it would do me no good.  This is the Life that the Lord gave me and this is the Life that I choose.  I can't run from it, or hide in a ball and never want to come out.  Pouring my sorrows into a Kleenex is going to do no one good.  So stand up straight and focus on the next part of my day I usually go.

Fear waits in the corner of my mind on daily basis.  Sitting there waiting to come in.  Fear that one day I am going to wake up and all of it is going to go away.  Fear that I won't be able to call S and M mine forever, Fear that I have to explain this to my family.  Fear that one day S will hurt herself because she doesn't understand her mind.  Fear that one day J will be filled with anger at me for all the craziness that we have gone through.  Fear that someone will knock on my door and all the therapies that we have worked through will be done with by one visit.  Fear that someone won't knock on my door but instead will find a way to kidnap them.  Fear of the unknown, Fear of the "what if's", Fear that the truth that I don't know what I am doing will be shown to EVERYONE!  Fear that all those threats that I have heard and bad dreams will come true and my children won't have a mom.

These are my Fears that I have to push away, give to the Lord and pray for Him to take away.  I have lived life not knowing what is the road up ahead but taking the step of Faith because in this exact moment it is the right thing to do.  The strength of my day is not mine because if it was mine I would have NONE.  Any decent mother out there knows what I mean.  When you have children your life is no longer JUST Yours to live, it's only meant for someone else, you weren't created for yourself but to be the mother of your children and raise them the best you can.  You hold on by a string on daily basis and have Fear of losing it all. You don't let that stop you though you put  your best foot forward and keep going.  Sometimes we slip, sometimes we fall, sometimes we do a lot worse but we know, that is life and we learn from our mistakes and grab onto that string again and just keep going.

My string is a lot more though, my string is the Lord and without Him.  I know I would be INSANE.
So when you ask me again "How do you do it?" I don't know WHAT I AM DOING, I just am.