Weekend Fun

My long blog post must have touched a little a few people because on Saturday as I was bathing the children, I turned around from the bathtub and My husband was standing there.  I was beyond excited to see him.   We enjoyed our time together catching up and the kids couldn't get enough of their daddy.  

He of course it back out there working.  I will see him soon because 4th of July is coming (HOLIDAY!!) . Today I spent the day getting ready to take the kids on a mini vacation to somewhere where it's hot, water slides and a pool to lounge by all day.  A friend of mine is taking her two kids with us.  So Two Mamas, and FIVE KIDS.  Watch out here we come!! The little one is going to stay with Grandma so that I get a little more of a break. 

Monday's when daddy leaves are usually really hard for S.  I usually try to keep the Monday lite.  However, today I needed to run errands to get ready so I called in the sitter while I took the car to the shop to get the oil changed done, etc...  Then I picked everyone up and took the to our FAVORITE store TARGET ( I love TARGET) I think I could do a post alone on this subject.  S though does not love TARGET.  She was a MESS!! She was clapping her heart out (not a good sign), shaking the cart, yelling at me, J kept saying "Mom everyone is looking at us." My response "Oh well, let them look.  It is what it is, I am keeping calm and trying to keep her calm too."  That was one of the quickest Target trips ever.  The aisle of wasteful clothes, accessories, make-up was not looked at today.  This of course would please my husband. 

They played all day while I did some Guardianship paperwork, time to update it until the adoption is finalized.  I keep imaging that day in my head - Who to invite? What it is going to be like?  I can't wait to get the date.  I know that S and M are excited to have the same last name.  

Love is an amazing thing.  Many moms wonder when they have a second child - How will I love this one like my first?  You just do, there is so much love that is in us to give.  Parents that adopt wonder - Can I really love this child like my own biological child?  The ANSWER: YES!!! I am so blessed by each one of my little ones. I love them all and I still feel I have love to give.  

I can't wait for our vacation and some bonding time with my three older ones.  Board games, movies, food, and water. What more can you ask for?

OVER IT!!

It's a wonderful 78degrees here.  There is so much that I have thought to do this summer with the kids

Zoo
SeaWorld
Beach Days
Water Park
Park Days
Drive-In
Movies
Craft Days

Only a couple have been done.  We did manage to squeeze in the zoo, park days and craft days.  However, at this point I am OVER IT ALL!!  Do you know how much work goes into taking four kids anywhere?   You have snacks, water, jackets, etc.... all of this to pack with -  Did you go the bathroom?  Brush your teeth?  Shoes On?  

I am over them asking me for another snack when I just fed them 5 MINUTES AGO!!! I am over them tattling on each other about something!! I am over them dirtying my house 24/7 because of summer break.  I am over all the laundry to do, I am over hearing the little ones cry just because while they are little and are learning.  I am not saying just because I am over it that I treat them bad No.

Deep inside though, I don't want to do any of it for a little while.  You would think that taking your kids outside would occupy them with something to do.  Some times though it seems it's easier to just stay home.  When are TV does arrive I am going to plan a full day of doing NOTHING!!!

That's my rant today.  I love them but I just am OVER IT today. We went to the park, time to cook some fish and dinner, pop the cork to a bottle of wine and breathe (AWWW.....) I love wine.....

Life

It's been sometime since I've posted.  Since our TV has been broken it seems like there is less time for me to just sit.  There is no electrical babysitter to plug them into.  The kids have been finding old VHS movies around the house for the one 12inch TV with VHS that works.  It's sweet watching them all pile onto mom's bed to watch the one movie of the day.  I have been picking and choosing the times they can watch.  The cable doesn't work in our room so all they get is Jungle book, Mary Poppins and any other old movies that I had as a kid.

We had friends that came and visited us for a couple of days and it was sooo.... nice for me to get some adult interaction.  Oh how I missed it and now miss it again.  The kids overall did very well. S had a little break downs but overall did well.  We went to the zoo, crafts and played board games (again no TV for wii, or movies).

To say the truth it's been hard to write lately.  I have been waking late around 9 -9:30am in the morning while the kids are waking earlier and finding something to entertain themselves.  I can't seem to fall asleep until 12am-1am because I need down time so badly and this is when I get it.  I crave to be left alone, just for a little while.  I love my children don't get me wrong but I am going on month THREE of no husband and four children.  I knew when he left that 4 weeks was not the right quote.  I know his job well and his company that you never take what they say add a couple of hours or days to the equation given.    I am lonely and by myself.  Yes I am fortunate enough to live by family but my children are not theirs.  My mother raised two girls but not four kids and 2 more make quite the difference. Yes she does well but anyone that is not use to it can only handle that many for a short time.

I want my husband back so bad, I don't want to talk on the phone anymore with him because I miss him so much and it only reminds me of this.   I am over cooking dinner and feeding the monkeys.  I listed an ad on the local craigslist for help but what do I say spill my life story.  - Mom needs help with two biological children and two that have some issues.  Must be able to handle a child that has no coping, social skills and lacks certain verbal the other will push your buttons to see how far they can get with you. If you can handle four children two with issues then call me. - No it does not say this; it says very little.  The thing that I am finding is the people that respond to the FREE publication are CRAZY.  Now I know why people pay money for an agency.  I have found one girl that decided to describe in detail her life story on taking care of her nieces and nephews because sister had postpartum and mother had some kind of disease that left her alone a lot. The other wanted me to tell her about why I thought she would make a good match. I don't even know this girl.  Crazy people...

Today we had another meeting for S.  They tested her IQ and said she was very bright. Of course she is people, she is very smart I never doubted this part.  They gave me another list of questions to rate on what she can and cannot do.  Oh how I hate answering all those questions, such a pain.  When it came time for me to talk to the counselor, I walked in the office and their was S playing on the floor talking like a baby.  I told the counselor that this is not S's normal voice and that she does that when she is uncomfortable and it usually follows with a tantrum later.  It's a signal to my husband and I that it's  time to go or remove her from the situation.  I showed her videos on S being overwhelmed, bubbled, and not understanding what I have to say.

Her thoughts "Remove S from the situation till she can listen, tell her you won't talk to her till she can calm down".  IS THIS LADY FOR REAL!!! COME ON NOW! That is not how easily it's done.  I told her I do this however, she won't go willing, she turns physical, she's broken her door in her room and does not understand time outs to calm down.  This is what I do but it is hard to walk away knowing something will break.  She also said that she doesn't clearly see the PDD-NOS however she still needs to do the scoring.  She said however, that S has no coping skills, social skills and pervasive language skills.  This is why she can't understand basic No, Yes,  removing of situations/schedule changing, directions and also hot/cold, etc...  all of it has to do with coping involving social as well. That they want to meet with her once a week to develop these skills and that they will help me with her school to get her what she needs there so that she can cope with the environment.    My question is "How is this not ASPERGERS, PDD-NOS?"  It's not that I want the label it's just that without the label it makes it 10x harder to get the help I need at school and out.  It's already hard enough with a label.   I made another appointment for S at children's but not till September so we will go to counseling and see what they offer until our September appointment says otherwise.  The counselor said that some children are just born without these skills and need help developing them.  She will call to schedule and go over the results.  Nothing is final yet but I'm pretty sure once the scoring is done some things may change on her perspective.

It's hard enough in life being a parent let alone adopting two with a traumatic past.  Then having a husband gone.  I am so tired of defending my child and feeling like the world is waiting to tell me "I told you so...." when all I am trying to do is give the best life possible for little girl.

Autism PRIDE DAY

For Autism Pride day, cheers to us parents as advocates!!! Xoxo

S had her autism meeting the other day.  How did it go? I was highly disappointed.  Here is the background a year ago S was diagnosed with PDD-NOS/Trauma disorder.  Children's hospital (one of the best if not the best hospital) said they think that it is Aspergers. So we worked super duper hard for a year on her Trauma Disorder and now we are a year from then.  S has improved in leaps and bounds in so many ways related to the trauma, she can now talk about her past when asked questions and doesn't retreat into her bubble.  She better understands a little as best as a six year old can to what happened to her mother ("She was sick").  The thing is that other things didn't change, her verbal and understanding have not changed.  She still cannot verbalize feelings, touch, she gets over sitimulated in many different environments, echos schedules, and questions asked.  She cannot intiaite a conversation and when you do talk to her it's black and white.  Nothing more is ever added.  She gets upset with certain foods, clothing, etc...  She cannot get over "mine" like a two year old, sharing is just not understood.  There are so many other qualites with her anger and her bubble when over stimulated (makes no eye contact, rocking, etc....)  I don't think I want or need to explain this right now.

We went to CARES the other day and I went with excitement that the cure to all was going to be handed to me.  That the Aspergers label would be given and we could move onto therapy part.  The part that I am waiting anxiously for.   This is not what happened.  They interviewed S for about 40 min.  with conversation about friends, school, family. They watched her play and read a book to her.  WHATEVER!!! Her conversation was not elaborate, it was the answer to the question asked and nothing more ever added.  Her description of "Why is BLANK your friend?" her answer "because..." Because why? "Because I asked her?" that was her answer!!!   Not all the other stuff added....

My daughter does not have severe Autism and I thank God for that.  I know that I am fortunate that she is verbal, that she can communicate, smile and eye contact is made.  Let me say this... we worked on eye contact since the beginning.  Eye contact will not be made with you when a story is being told, or she is worked up, only on short calm answers.  That is what the counselor asked, short calm answers!

She can point and verbalize because in my kitchen hangs a sign with stick figures that reads "USE WORDS" the person is saying "Please don't do that,  stop, help, etc...."  with that is a schedule of events for the week.  These are the things that we work on.  I do little charts with expected an unexpected behavior.  I have created my own therapies for her.  Her school psychologist has helped with a lot of this out of his own time.  I am thankful for that.  My question - Should I have left it alone, so that they could see how bad she was when first diagnosed?  Should I have not helped her because now she has made improvements and they can't see it as clear as the beginning? Autsim doesn't just go away, you can improve, there are HIGH FUNCTIONING CASES!!!!!

The Psychologist at this center rescheduled another visit in a week to test her IQ.  S is not dumb, she is very, very smart.  She can read like no one's business.  Her memory can do weird things like not remember what she heard a second ago, not understand common phrases but then memorize songs and music like nothing.  Here is what, was said "I don't see Autism in her, she can make eye contact and she is verbal."  (THOUGHT:  You did not just say that??!! Do you not know about High Functioning kids??!!!)  My answer "High functioning children can speak, and some can make eye contact for short periods.  I know she is not severe, I am not asking her to be.  I am asking for help, I don't care if regional doesn't pay for us, I just want to know how to explain things to my daughter, I want to help her,  shoot I'll give her my own therapies if I have too, just tell me what is so I know what to do."  Her answer  "I think it might be a behavioral disorder."  Me: "You think my daughter has bi-polar or something like that? I don't think that is what it is.  She doesn't just switch moods on a drop of a dime.  She is gets upset because she can't say stop, no, I don't like that, she can't say I want to go home.  I have to watch her eyes to see if she has had enough, listen to her voice. If that is what you think then okay."

What does this mean for me? NOTHING.... At first I was upset, cried, wanted to go into my bubble because this lady felt that out of forty minutes she could judge from that.  The testing was no where near to Children's Hospital previous testing.  The road keeps going from here.  Our children are given to each one of us for a reason.  S was put into my life so that I could bless her.  I am her advocate.  I don't wish to label my child, I wish to help them succeed in life.  I called Children's Hospital, I will pay there big $$$$ and have her 6 hour evaluation done.  If they say it's nothing and it's this then so be it.  But I don't think that is what will happen.

I don't have a support group of parents behind me but, I know that people in my shoes read this blog because I see the stats.  My thing to you is, I could use your support now to tell me that I'm not alone that to keep going and that I know my daughter best. 

Lifeline (Beep, Beep, Beep...........)

The TV oh what a horrible, filthy, wonderful, relaxing device.  I am without one for sometime, how I so look forward to my down time with my pal TV. I need to find a name for it;  maybe ZONEY, or Bob. Well needless to say my daughter broke ours today not S because that would make sense my youngest K did. K was upset because I was cleaning the garage from the water heater and not doing CRAFTS right when she requested it.  I had told her to wait and I we would, as soon as I was done. The other three were playing wii and she took it upon herself to find a toy and hit the Plasma.  End of Wii, End of TV.

I so miss my husband, my better half, the person to say "It's okay, calm down." in times like this.

This was such a weird weekend, the water heater broke but thank goodness for grandpas who can fix it all. I thought I had a leak but I was mistaken thank goodness for great-grandpa who showed me I am wrong.  And then the TV while a lesson will be learned, so thank goodness for whatever that is to be I am sure I will find out.

I spent the evening very upset and calling BestBuy, GeekSquad and Panasonic nothing, nada, zilch. "We can't do anything if it's the screen have to buy a new TV" is what everyone said.  WHAT! xo@*$O^TO^ ( I didn't say this but I wanted too).   I instead bowed my head, poured my fourth cup of coffee, and sighed.  I have decided that it will rest and I will put this on the back burner for the rest of the evening. I can call homeowners in the morning, and THANK GOD for AMAZON!!! Already found some great deals!!

What got me was the fact that I miss my husband, really miss my husband.  I never realized how much I depend on him, it's not that he does everything.  I am not that type of women to let my husband do everything. I have learned how to really, really run the household, hold down the fort, raise the children, discipline, fun, and all that comes with being on my own.  We are lucky to see him every now and then for a day but really what is a day in every day. It seems like it all just comes crashing down when he's not home. I have learned a lot of lessons in this.  It's just that I miss him to just tell me to stop and relax to look at and feel his vibe that I need to calm down because yes I can go overboard.

What did I learn from today??  Hmmm... well the kids did very good without their nightly "quiet time" they played all the way until dinner time with all their toys, castles, polly pockets, action figures and cars.  They made towns together, laughed and of course wrestled (a frame was broken in the midst of this). Lil' grandpa, grandma, and big grandpa (my grandfather) came over to assess the damage on the TV and give their thoughts.  I really think they came to see if I was breathing and not going crazy.  I passed their test and the smiles made me feel better. Watching grandpa make the kids laugh, learning from big grandpa a little family history and just enjoying my mom's company made me realize I AM BLESSED, the TV doesn't matter, my spirits were calmed.

The end of the night ended with something that hasn't happened it a long time, too long..... A LOT of bedtime stories were read.  I read four big books and I have a feeling the library will be getting a visit from us very soon. Crafts will be made and board games will be pulled out from the dust.  Yes it SUCKS that the TV is broken and I can't veg out at night but books will be read (currently reading the Help) and I think I will enjoy it, I think the kids will play better without thinking they can run to the TV.

Wish me Luck on our NO TV for who knows how long...  maybe 1-3 weeks depending on Amazon shipping.

Freedom

This post has taken me about a week to write.  I don't really know why that is, other then something has preoccupied my mind, time, life.  Every chance I get to sit down is filled with a need of someone or something.  At this moment it's 9pm at night. I am trying my hardest to get everyone in bed.  S has taken to complaining and whining about bed time every night and while shucks every nap time.  The kid just doesn't sleep. A friend of mine suggested giving her melatonin a natural aid to help her sleep. I am planning on starting it after her evaluation this week.  At this moment she's complaining that it's dark in her room, she has a night light but I guess the darkness has changed whatever.

Summer Break has been upon us for about a week and half. Time has been spent camping at the beach, basketball camp for J and just living everyday life with the others.  S overall has been doing as good as she can.  She loses it every now and then but I have taken to posting our plans two days in advance on a white board in our kitchen, this seems to help her a little and she can read it any time that she wants to go over it. This coming week I have enrolled her in Art Camp with a friend they will be doing - Hip Hop dancing, singing, and acting.  I really hop she enjoys it.  I am curious on how this will go about.  I never know what to expect.  I always expect exhaustion after it's done but never know what to expect during.  I also hate to tell people what may or may not happen as she deserves to be treated like everyone else, she is.

S's big autism appointment got moved to this coming Wednesday.  We were planning our day and getting ready to head up there when I called to confirm since I didn't hear from them before hand.  The dr. had forgotten to make the appointment in her calender which moved us to this coming Wednesday.  At first I had felt like I had just got punched in the gut since, I am in desperate need of thearpies and help.  In the long run though I believe this worked out for the best.  I had recieved a spur of the moment call from the County regarding an interview of the children for the termination of thier old parents rights.

On Wednesday we went to the interview just me, M and S.  It was very short and went very well.  Then this last Friday we had the BIG DAY.  I don't even know what to say really. ....  I don't want to talk much about it since I don't know who reads this and I want to wait till it's all said and done but it was a very fast process and now we wait for the big day.... ( I am sure you can fit in the puzzle pieces).  Expect a very emotional blog when that time comes.

The emotion of this week came down on me when we got home and I crashed from Noon till 5pm.  My body was so emotionally exhausted I had to fight myself to get out the bed.  So much has happened since S and M came into our lives.  We are blessed to soon to call them TRULY ours.  I could make this post a long one but for now.  I will leave it at that.

We installed a baby monitor in the girls room to monitor how much S actually gets up.  I really don't know what the point of this is other then to just monitor it.

Well that is life at this moment. When do you finally just accept all that you've been given? When do you stop feeling like your two steps behind, like it's all going to crash any second?  I am waiting for just stopping to live moment to moment but really GRAP a hold of it all and just take in the big picture

How do you do it?

How do you do it? This is a question that I hear almost on a daily basis.  To tell you the truth I never know what to say.   Do I bow my head and say thank you, do I spill the beans and I say I am holding on by a string; What do you say?

To tell everyone the truth - I DON"T KNOW! Am I "doing it"?  I don't think I am, I literally live in moment to moment.  My day is spent from one step the other. I have adoption, autism, doctor appointments, raising everyone,  to busy to focus on "Isabel what are you doing?"  When I do stop to look at what I am doing.  I colapse, I feel like I can't breathe at times and find myself glued to a spot in the house not able to go to the next step.  There are times when I loudly say "I CAN"T DO THIS!" and I let my children here me pray to the Lord to give me strength.  I do lose it and the calm is right out the door like it wasn't even a part of me.

Writing this right now is causing me to breathe heavy, the tears are sitting on my eyelids waiting to pour out.  I don't allow myself to cry to often, it would do me no good.  This is the Life that the Lord gave me and this is the Life that I choose.  I can't run from it, or hide in a ball and never want to come out.  Pouring my sorrows into a Kleenex is going to do no one good.  So stand up straight and focus on the next part of my day I usually go.

Fear waits in the corner of my mind on daily basis.  Sitting there waiting to come in.  Fear that one day I am going to wake up and all of it is going to go away.  Fear that I won't be able to call S and M mine forever, Fear that I have to explain this to my family.  Fear that one day S will hurt herself because she doesn't understand her mind.  Fear that one day J will be filled with anger at me for all the craziness that we have gone through.  Fear that someone will knock on my door and all the therapies that we have worked through will be done with by one visit.  Fear that someone won't knock on my door but instead will find a way to kidnap them.  Fear of the unknown, Fear of the "what if's", Fear that the truth that I don't know what I am doing will be shown to EVERYONE!  Fear that all those threats that I have heard and bad dreams will come true and my children won't have a mom.

These are my Fears that I have to push away, give to the Lord and pray for Him to take away.  I have lived life not knowing what is the road up ahead but taking the step of Faith because in this exact moment it is the right thing to do.  The strength of my day is not mine because if it was mine I would have NONE.  Any decent mother out there knows what I mean.  When you have children your life is no longer JUST Yours to live, it's only meant for someone else, you weren't created for yourself but to be the mother of your children and raise them the best you can.  You hold on by a string on daily basis and have Fear of losing it all. You don't let that stop you though you put  your best foot forward and keep going.  Sometimes we slip, sometimes we fall, sometimes we do a lot worse but we know, that is life and we learn from our mistakes and grab onto that string again and just keep going.

My string is a lot more though, my string is the Lord and without Him.  I know I would be INSANE.
So when you ask me again "How do you do it?" I don't know WHAT I AM DOING, I just am.

Dear S

Today was quite a day. This was the last day of school before summer break for EVERYONE!  S had her kinder promotion to 1st grade and J had a little classroom celebration for the last day as he moves into 2nd grade.  This year is by no mean over but on to another step they go in life.

Last night was an emotional one for S.  She had a play date earlier in the day so by the time I got her after school she was WIPED OUT!! Her nonsense started early.  It ended with us giving each other hugs her talking about certain noises that bother her (brother was humming loudly).  I told her that in a couple of days she is going to go speak to lady who is going to ask her different questions.  She asked if it was about her being a part of our family.  I told her no it's just to see how her brain works.  This conversation stopped their for her brain but moved into her being a part of our family FOREVER!! I told her I love her very much and am so happy to be her mommy.  She never asks about her old mom.  She did ask last night about how old she was when she saw her last.  I told her almost two years ago.

So as I sat in the auditorium today and watched her sing her heart out, dance in the aisle and receive her certificate.  I couldn't help but cry.  I thought "Lord why me?" My heart was proud but yet saddened to know that someone else could have been sitting here but they gave it up.

Dear S,
I am so proud of you.  I am more then amazed at the little girl that you are.  When God made you He created you with a little extra love and braveness added in.  How much you have grown since you were four.  I can't even picture that little girl that you once were when you came to live with me.  Your learning level was very low you didn't know animal sounds, colors, simple vocabulary but LOOK at you now!!! Your AMAZING you know how to read BIG BOOKS, your writing is suburb, your heart is full of kindness and love and you always want to help someone they seem like they need it.  I don't know where your "old mommy is".  But I do know that wherever she is at she is proud of you!! How you can you not be??  You've played sports, learned how to ride your bike and your learning more everyday.  That shy, timid child that you once were is gone.  Your eyes shine so bright, your smile warms the heart of anyone that is blessed to see it.  So today as any day I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!  Even though you are only moving into 1st this has been a long year for you.  I am blessed to call you my baby, to see you look for me in a crowd, to see you smile and yell for me.  I am blessed to call you mine.  You have so much strength in you, that is still undiscovered.  YOU WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS because you already have.  No matter if someone says you can't you will always find a way.  I LOVE YOU BABY and congrats!! Love mommy