I know that nothing just happens. I do believe that God guides our life and has a plan for each and every one of us. Does that mean that I float on a cloud, trusting that all will be sunshine and happiness? No... To tell you the truth the last two weeks I have been questioning a lot about being a mom.
I am a mother of four, a wife to a lineman (power poles), two adopted children, two biological, one with anger issues and the other with something (Aspergers). The bible says that we are not given more then we can handle. When I reflect on my life I can see that I am exactly where God wants me to be and has designed me to be.
But, lately I feel like I just CAN"T DO THIS!!! S has been on school break for the last two weeks and any change in her schedule is like taking a toaster and sticking it in a tub of bath water. It doesn't stop, it never stops (only a little bit).... Her screaming, her mean words, her tantrum. All the while I have to sit there and say "I understand.. you need to stop screaming before we can talk, ya-da, ya-da" I take the verbal punches one by one " I hate you!, Your not my mom!, Your mean! I'll never look at you! etc..." Does she mean them? No, and I know that. Because half the time that she is mad it doesn't even make sense about a half eaten burrito or I touched her bed. I know she is mad because this break is hard, there is no schedule, and if we do something the next day she is a wreck for over stimulation.
I have been taking it all in.... never yelling, trying to talk. No one, No one understands what it's like! Do I expect them too? No I don't, at times I would rather stay in my own bubble then explain it.
I just at times need to feel like I'm not alone. I know my daughter loves me, I know I love her. This world is not easy for her no matter the mask that she wears most of the time. We see the true blue S come through at home.
Pray for me to have wisdom, guidance and trust that everything will work out. She goes back to school next week and that gives us another re-adjustment. Breathe....
