God's gift to me

God has gifted me with FOUR different children, each one with their own personality.  I am thankful for each one and the lessons that I learn from them even though, at the time of testing and trails I don't understand why or what I am learning.  There are many of times when I want to be as far from them as I can get and of course times when I wish I could just hold them all day long if they would let me.

Someone once said that I have a household of FOUR strong personalities.  That is so true, I don't worry so much about them because they are all so out spoken.  They adore each other and I don't think they could live life without one of them.  They do quite often have their moments of bickering, tattling, and fighting but at the end of the day it always ends in Love.

We teach them that God gave us to each other to teach patience, understanding, kindness and caring.  As I tell them this, I also have to remember the same.  My day to day life is such a roller-coaster of emotions.  I wake each day with a prayer for strength, understanding and patience.  I have to continue this prayer throughout the day and many times within the first hour of waking up and taking them to school.  Car rides are truly the worst.

My children are in such different phases of life.
J is starting what I would call pre-puberty, it's all about image, still a kid but also trying to understand getting older, testing the limits with mom and dad a little more, oh and starting to like girls but not quite sure yet.  
M is a typical five year old boy and I think that is enough said but he does have his anger issues that stem from his biological parents.  We try to teach him understanding, words, and patience on a daily basis.
K is so strong willed, STUBBORN, she is a diva at full force of four year of age. She will tell you on a drop of a dime her opions. K and M are only 14months apart and very much share a Love/hate relationship during the day. Like a married couple ha ha.
We are all so familiar with S. I don't think I need to explain her to you.  

When you put all of their personalities together and a little spice from S added you can see quite the day of ups and downs.  I often find myself asking "Lord, help me to learn what you are trying to show me.  Help me to show them patience and kindness to be understanding of S and J."  It's so hard to step back from day to day and remember to breathe, and to be thankful that I have them.

At this exact moment in time, I want to cry as our journey with S changes almost daily/weekly.  I got a call from Children's Hospital who is in such a mystification of trying to understand what exactly S has or why she is the way she is.  As I have stated and re-stated with just feel it's Aspergers not yet fully diagnosed, all symptoms would be such if she did not have traumatic background.  However, because of her past trauma, they also feel that , that could have put her emotionally/socially/cognitively behind.  I told them that we have been down this route before and that is what started it all,  TWO years ago that the psychiatrist at the time said nope not trauma "Something neurological is not clicking with her."  I told them that I would be willing to go down this road ONE MORE TIME.  They said these people are specially trained (AREN'T THEY ALL!) and they will address all the above.  If however, they say she is not traumatized then we will be back to regular cognitive training.

They thanked me for being such an advocate for my daughter.  I am not to be thanked, she is my daughter! No matter what God hands any of us we always want the best for our children.  It may not come easy and it may come with TONS/MILLIONS of Ups and Downs.  The lessons that we learn as parents cannot even me taught, described, understood.  They are there everyday though, and by God's grace and strength I grip onto another day.  I am so tired of if all at times but I know there must be no other way for me to learn whatever is I am being taught.

I love S, I love J, I love K and I love M for all that they teach me and for their unwavering love. xoxo

The Truth

This weekend was capped off with a bottle of wine with MYSELF.  Ever since school started back up after spring break, we have been back to the grind of it all with S.   Her anxiety is on FULL SPEED, she is back to complaining before school, whining after school, and her other digestive problems.

Her behavioral therapist is meeting with her supervisor to discuss the route that S's therapy should take weather cognitive or social skills first.  It's hard that she needs these therapies but yet does not have a for sure it's Aspergers'.  Is that because she is a girl and it is not yet viewed differently?

Anyone familiar with the bowel movement problems that some children experience?  She does not like the feeling of emptying her bowels and her body eventually becomes sick to empty itself.  Enough said with details of that.  That is though how my Sunday was spent.  I am calling today a nutritionist and her pediatrician to see what they can help me with.

I feel at times that I have to hide who my daughter is or can be.  She is such an amazing, smart, and happy child.  This is what I want people to see and know.  When sometimes she acts different or we have to stay home because she is having a bad day, I feel that people think it's an excuse, or sometimes I just make up another excuse because I don't want to say "my daughter is having a bad day."   To tell the the truth it's because I am trying my best to stay calm, in my bubble, to handle the situation and anything more to my plate I might blow!  I do lose it at times I admit, trying to constantly have the calmness and peace you need is hard and that is the TRUTH.