Journey

Today I am sacrificing my 60 day commitment to Insanity (yes, I am a sucker for info-commericals) to blog.   We've have had our highs and lows.    This is regarding some other personal issues that I don't quite share here.  However on the other front of life things are going good.  S has been going to  Pivotal/ Social therapy at Children's Autism Institute once a week with Daddy and I.  The tools from the last couple of meetings are very helpful.  We have been working on prompting S to converse and talk and this week is a lot of one on one social play with us to help build those skills.  To her it's fun, to us we see all that we don't think is quite right/appropriate.  I am learning to let this go and just enjoy S for the blessing that she is.

We received the report back from Children's and no they didn't diagnose her with Aspergers.  To tell the truth they don't know quite where she fits.  They do know that she needs these therapies to learn skills that she doesn't have and that she lacks all things that people with Aspergers do however, there are a few things that don't line up. We will take it six weeks at at time.

Daddy and I still feel that it is Aspergers (at least I do) but we believe that S is so young that it's hard to see that now.  We decided to wait at least two years to re-evaluate then we will see where she is at.    The hard part about diagnosing S is that she is our adoptive daughter.  They don't know a lot about her infancy, even though I have described it time and time again ( I did know her).  They want to say it's Trauma (it's not we've already been down this route).  I know that she was not taught correctly at a young age and therefore missed out on some prime skills that you learn at these ages which has even hindered her more so.  She is very young for a six year old, in all areas.    We are learning to be patient, to take the help that we are getting, to grow from it and in time things will change one way or another.  Girls with Aspergers are rare and I find that most people don't know about the differences between boy/girl.  Oh well... one step at a time.

On the adoption front... it seems like the adoption court date is taking forever to receive.  We are anxiously waiting.  S and M keep asking about it, so do the other two and for all of us it couldn't get here soon enough.  Please keep praying that it comes soon for so many reasons.

Our anniversary of two years has come and went of being blessed with S and M in our lives.  These two have grown so much and so has our family.  They have taught us so much about Love and the never ending love that God instills in our hearts.  Mommy, Daddy and J and K love you both so much! xoxo

One thing that I never mentioned here... is that I have lost a child in my life as so many women have.  It's one of those things that you never know if your going to stop thinking about it.  I was in my early second trimester when we lost ours.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and God took our child to bless us with two others that so needed a family.  Our third little bundle would have been born on October 15, 2009 instead S and M came to live with us on this exact date!!  We could not have planned this and God's infinite wisdom knew.  So as we rejoice in this date, I also in my mind and heart count down the age of the one lost...

Next week is S's IEP meeting, I feel so lost with that meeting.  There is so much to note and say and I don't even know what to do. I've been in them before and you can just get ran over if you don't know what your doing.   S's behavioral therapist is putting together some notes for me so hopefully that helps.  I will take any tips if anyone wants to share...


FUNNY S'ism - We are in the dressing room. S is trying on clothes... She asks me "Mommy why do you have to put your milk in?"  Me: What Milk? Where? I don't have any milk?   S: "You know mommy in those (makes cupping hands over her chest)"  Me: On no milk in those... this is called a bra and when you get older we wear these like an undershirt.

GOTTA LOVE HER!!!

Vacation

Last week I took J to the east coast to visit my sister, brother-in-law and BEAUTIFUl NIECES. Ahhh... the innocence of my nieces.  M is only 7 months old the sweetest little baby ever.  Many of my days were spent rocking her to sleep and giving kisses as she is not old enough to push you away. 

O is almost 2 years old and every bunch a two year old already.  She is so much fun, her laughter is music to the ears.  Her excitement and innocence in life is one of the things you can't describe as you watch her run around.

O and J

While there J and I stayed with my sister's mother in-law in this beautiful historic victorian home. 

We took J to everything from the renaissance festival, to the smithsonian, to other fun east coast ventures.  J loved it.  I think he relished in the time of having mommy all to himself with four kids this happens rarely. He talked non-stop the whole trip and I could barely leave his side without him following me.  At home J is the oldest and the most independent.  On vacation we spent time reading at night, coloring and playing games.  Was it relaxing for me? Not so much but it was great spending time with him and my sister.  

I love my sister and am blessed to share the relationship that we have.  We talk almost daily about everything.  Her humor is like mine and as I tell my kids your brothers and sisters are the only ones that share the almost exact same life as you.   I miss being able to walk with with her daily and go places with her and my nieces but Thank God for technology.

Part Two of the Evaluation

** I apologize for the previous errors in this post, I didn't realize I hit Post button and I was out of town and unable to fix it.***

Yesterday was part two of the evaluation also our "no matter what they say ... our last evaluation for a while".  S was her typical self at the meeting as I watched it.  She did her best in all areas and in her communication she tried her hardest, she was talking in a baby voice (her uncomfortable) the whole time.  It's like nails on a chalkboard voice to me.

This is basically how the conclusion of the meeting went -
"While it's interesting.... There is definitely something that is not right, but I'm not sure what it is."  (We have heard this at all the evaluations and from her therapist)

- I understand this, this is what everyone says.. go on...
"While it's her memory, she truly seems like she can't remember what you said a second ago.  It's not like she says"I don't know" because she is trying to get out of it.  She really doesn't know.  Sometime prompting her helps and sometimes it doesn't.  She is delayed in her skills both in her communication, social and coping.  However, I don't believe it's Autism"

- Okay when you say Autism you are speaking of Aspergers as well, correct?
"Yes"
-Then let me ask you this. Isn't no coping, social and lack of communication skills Aspergerian (is that a word) like qualities?  You are telling me that my daughter can learn these with the right thearpies. But can't anyone learn these with therapies? And if so isn't that skill always a learned quality?
"I get what your saying.  All I can say is that there are characteristics that are Autistic like but there are other things that don't line up or she doesn't have. Like she doesn't have an obsession with anything. Be glad she's not Autistic she can really learn these skills and application. It won't be a life long thing.  However, I'm not sure if her memory is a neurological or delay.  Let's take it six weeks at a time."

-What about all her sensory issues? Her overwhelming, her sense of smell that bothers her, her bouncing and clapping when excited or anxious, Her anxiety with school, What are those? Those are not delays.
"Well I'm not really sure but I'm thinking she will grow out of it."

REALLY?!  Our conclusion:

S is going to start behavorial therapies once a week with both daddy and I joining her.  It's the same therapies that you give with Autism.  We will take it six weeks at time.  We will have a journal to keep about what works and what doesn't while we try implementing different techniques.  They already gave me different helpful ideas like when we hit a wall with S and we need her to understand something.  If she isn't understanding it at her level drop down to an even younger age level.  Let her do her baby talk but don't let her flap.

All I can say is that we will try this for now.  Am I concerned about her brain? Yes Am I worried that it will be lifelong? Yes. We all have to take it one day at time.  I do still feel it's more but I will take this for now.  At least they see that I am not crazy, that there is something wrong.  IT's interesting though that we are acting like it's autism with the same therapies but yet they say it's not.

How did it go?

S evaluation was last week and it's taken me sometime to write about it.  Mostly because to tell you the truth I haven't really wanted to share about it.  I know that's not fair that I mention it but don't say anything.  Well.. all in all I guess it went good. It went better then the one at C.A.R.E.S.

I was in the room during this testing and they were talking to her about her friends and things she likes to do.  S's conversation is never a full conversation she would answer the questions and then kind of look away.  She talked about friends that I never heard of and when asked does she play with any friends outside of school her answer was no.  If you saw previous posts that is not true.  I do take S on play dates to friends houses and one family we are really close too and go out of town with a lot plus they come over all the time. I told the lady after that S's answers were not correct.

They talked about S's rages and anxiety in the morning.  Something about her castles came up.  S NEVER PLAYS with her castles!! She never plays with ANYTHING!!! I told the doctor that makes no sense even when S has time to play she doesn't like those things. She just wakes up in a funk.

The doctor also gave S a number of IQ testing and questions.  She said that even though S's response seem strange they were age appropriate for her.  Also that she notices that S needs a lot of prompting to find the right answer.  It's not that she doesn't know it, it's just that she's not as quick as others.  She believes that S isn't necessarily Autistic but that she is delayed.

I told her I understand this however all the other intricacies don't line up.  The fact that S has this thing with smells, fits, rages, understanding of feelings, bouncing, she does this thing with her nose all the time, she gets overwhelmed when we go places (FORGET TARGET!!), etc.... I can go on and on.  What about those?  How can that be part of her delay?

The doctor said that she still needs to look over the questions and answers plus give her more testing before the diagnosis is given.  She did state that either way she believes that S needs a behavioral plan and therapies.

Basically they are saying that S can learn these skills and apply them with the right therapies.  But my question is, isn't that the same for Aspergers???? - No Social, No Coping, lacking cognitive but EVERYONE can learn and apply with time.  It just doesn't come naturally it will always be a learned action.

I'm confused..... The hubby and I don't all the way agree with the doctor but decided to drop it for two years or so then re-approcah it when S is older if we feel that she still needs it and maybe her actions aren't just passed by due to her age.

YEAH for J

Yesterday was J's turn to shine. I am so proud of him! His conference was amazing.  I was worried that he wasn't doing well. He is in a Spanish Immersion school. At his school they speak 90% Spanish and 10% english. English is introduced more and more as he gets older in school.  He is in 2nd grade is fluent in Spanish and English (first language). He is a little above a second grader's reading level in Spanish and right where he should be for English reading.

J is the big brother out of all the children.  I know that it must be hard for him. He is becoming older and is no longer this little boy that lays around with action figures and cars.  He has a hard time trying to communicate and play with S.  He loves to tease all of them as a big brother does.  He is very sensitive and sweet.

At home J makes it seem like he has no idea what he is reading or what to do.  He gets frustrated in his writing and math.  And as I have said before it's like pulling teeth to get him to do his homework.  Also his handwriting is sooo... bad.  While you can imagine what I was thinking going into a school conference.  I was prepared for the worst.  I WAS SO SURPRISED!!

The first thing that teacher commented on was "J has such beautiful handwriting."  I laughed and said no not my child. She showed me examples of his handwriting and it was gorgeous! I wanted to take it home and show everyone but they had to keep it in his files.  He has jumped two book levels in class and is a little above in his reading skills. His math is right on point and their is no concern.  He is non-disruptive and very sweet.  I AM SO PROUD!!

I informed her about S and that if she ever sees J a little upset or not focusing to let me know.  The one thing that SUCKED about all this was that J had gotten in trouble earlier in the day and was grounded with no TV, DSI, WII and had to stay in his room for the evening.  So even though I was so so proud, I still had to follow on my word.

The grounding incident had to do with S. Later in the evening we spent time reading a children's book on understanding Autism.  He asked some great questions and commented on certain things that he has noticed about S.  THis morning he was a changed boy... he was speaking so sweetly to her wanting to help her, trying to guide her a little in her morning anxiety.
VERY PROUD of you J!! You are doing so well at school!! And your a great big brother!!!

Differences not Negative

As parents I believe that we all want an amazing life for our children.  We desire hopes, dreams, aspirations of happiness and amazing life for them.  I confess I hold these dreams for each one of my children as different as they are from one another.  What they don't understand is that you have these dreams for them and why.

This week is the start of Report Card/Conference week.  I have had S's so far and I have J's today.  I didn't really go into S's with certain thoughts because I keep in contact with her teacher so much that I know what is going on constantly.  On top of having her conference yesterday we are also preparing and filling out TONS of paperwork for another evaluation regarding her Aspergers.

I know that in order to get a diagnosis it's not the positive that I have to focus on but what some would deem the negative.  I don't like to say negative, I would rather use the word differences.  Yes my daughter does not fit in the typical stereotype of a six year old girl she has her differences.

During her conference yesterday with her teacher the some of her differences were stated such as - Respecting Others and Following Classroom rules.  S has a tendency to wander when she wants and wash her hands a lot on top of touching fellow classmates often (to often).   I told her she might be walking away (wandering) because she needs to re-foucs. She is blessed to have a WONDERFUL teacher who suggested making break cards for S so that she doesn't have to use words for it but if she feels she needs one she can hand her teacher the card and go to the library or computers.  I was thrilled to hear the teacher take this initiative and suggestion regarding S.

Tomorrow is our first out of two EVALUATIONS for S regarding her Aspergers.  I am glad to say that Children's Hospital does very well with their testing.   We have been through this before and to say that I am tired of paperwork and marking answers to millions of questions is an understatement.  Since all I have been focused on lately is what my child does wrong I would like to say a few things of what my child does right.


1. She is the best HELPER in the world, and loves to do it.
2. She will give you as much cuddles as you want.
3. She can read at almost a full grade above her class.
4. She is also REALLY, REALLY good with her math skills. Since she can memorize a lot.
5. She's a great soccer player.
6. She wears her heart on her sleeve.
7. She has an amazing laugh.
8. One day she is going to make a great mother, since this is what she tends to mimic a lot.
9. She has really nice handwriting.
10.  She is reliable.
11. MY MOST Favorit thing: SHE HAS THE BEST SMILE.

Weekend Trip

This weekend we took a Family trip with friends to Big Bear, CA.   It was BEAUTIFUL!!! Lately I have not been the most positive and happiest person.  To be honest I was not that thrilled for this trip.  My husband, kids and friends were ES-TACTIC.  So relentlessly I packed up the family, shopped for food, loaded the care and we all headed to the hills.

We were very blessed to stay in this great time share with friends and EVERYONE had a blast.  I have four children so too say my life is relaxing would mean my children are non-existent.  No matter where we are the requests for food, whining, etc... still come.  What am I to do?  I can't sit and pout, whine, or get annoyed (as I do sometimes).  I have to just go with it.  I am blessed that overall my children LOVE each other, are so happy to have one another and have a constant play mate.  These are a few of things that I remembered, and relized this weekend.  I only have my children for so long, so deal with it and enjoy it.  They did not choose to have 3 other siblings to each other they should'nt be punished in my attittude.  I am happy that we are able to take them places with four.  Yes it's challenging with K still young and still my cling-on and S's need for comfort when we go places but there are smiles that are on the faces and that is what matters. At the end of the night and during the day it was beyond words to watch them laugh with their friends and us adults enjoyed talking, playing board games, and having fun.   It was a very much needed time.

During the ride to Big Bear I managed to finish reading a Young Adult novel called Mockingbird by Kathryn Erksine.   It is about a young lady who has Aspergers.  Her brother's death causes her to search out Closure which she cannot quite understand.  The book is done through her point of view with her thinking a lot in her head about how people talk, interact, and what they do.  It gave me an interesting look into my daughters perspective on life.  The way she sees things and lead to a few topics on things that we have noticed and are trying to understand with S.   Super easy read for ages 9-12.

Breathe

It's been awhile since I last posted.  I honestly don't know what has been going on.  We've been so busy with the school life.  The every day rut of pick up and drop offs.  Nothing really has been changing too much.  I've been spending some time secretly observing S at school and out of school.  Her next BIG evaluation is next Thursday and I have pages and pages to fill out.   A few things I have noticed is her social skills have not been improving but getting worse.  Is that possible? For her,  she's not depressed or realizes that their is a difference.  I see her pulling away more often from big crowds or old friends.  The play date invitation's that we once received from her many school friends don't come around too often or at all.  I watch the other moms make plans as I stand in the background.  I don't take offense to this as I do have other children and know the routine, how it works.  If your kid isn't playing with my child (or another) then that's it, your not going to receive an invite.

A couple of times when I have watched her play at school. She's playing by herself or eating by herself. She does her usual walk up and watch the other kids play but not interacting.  She's happy and notices no difference. On the soccer field when it's break time she usually sits on her ball alone while the others play with each others hair, clothes, etc...  She does have some good little girlfriends that I am grateful for because they push her to do more.  They don't mind her quietness or her grumpiness at times but they are the leaders and she is the follower.

I spoke to someone form Regional the other day and they said once S gets her diagnoses. If the school gives her an IEP then Regional will be forced to help and re-evaluate her for services.  Which means they would help fund a lot of her therapies.  Please pray for this.  This is why I need the diagnosis of ASPERGERS.  Therapies are EXPENSIVE!

Besides S .... J seems to be doing good.  He is going through something of figuring himself out. His coolness.. what to do, what not to do.  And he's only 7 1/2 (sad face)..  I find myself just wanting to hold him to cuddle him but he won't let that happen to often.

Besides all the above somewhere I managed to have a birthday.  Yes I am a young mother of four.  For those of you that don't know I am only 30.  What am I suppose to say to that?  "Oh your 30 now.  How does it feel?"  More like I am in my late 40's or older. Age is just a number, really. We all lead different lives and feel so different.   HELLO I have FOUR CHILDREN one that I has something going on.  HOW DO YOU THINK IT FEELS?  No it's not like it's time to grow up because I've already grown up.  I think through everything to be honest..  I find myself just going through something.  Re-evaluting my life and re-telling myself that it's not about me.  I have do this every now and then.  My life is my husband and children and that is it.  There's not a lot time to sit and breathe just to do.

We are also waiting for our adoption date.  SO EXCITED!! Everything is done just waiting for that phone call from the court.  And for those of you that don't know my child that I lost a couple of years ago. Their date of birth is coming up and I always find myself thinking of them and how old they would have been around this time.  I may not have carried them long but I do think about sometimes.

ALL MY LOVE to you ALL THAT READ and SUPPORT - THANK YOU

One for the book....

What a day, What a day -
The Morning:
Me: S today you can get lunch at the cafeteria.
S: Aww... mom they won't let me eat in the cafeteria.
Me: What do you mean? They won't let you eat.
S: They took my paper card away and told me I can't use it.
Me: What?!
J: No S it's a hard card with your picture on it, just give it to the lady (interupted)
S: No J it's a paper card...
Me: I'll figure it out at school

I check online if my daughter has been eating lunch her balence is at $0.  Now I'm curious.  We are two months into the school year.  S says she has just been sitting their on the days that they are suppose to eat at the cafeteria. We get to school and I go to the cafetria without S.  There under her teacher's name is her card with her picture on it. (not a paper card) I tell the teacher that she has not been having lunch when I tell her to eat at the cafetria because they taught her with a paper card and no one told her now she has a real card. HA HA HA. My poor hungry daughter.  She was looking for the fake one she learned with..

Later... S got in trouble at school today her first orange card (bad) sent home.  Her teacher spoke to me after about how S had a harder time then usual keeping her hands to herself. She wouldn't stop when the teacher asker her too and they spent most of the day in role play to help S.  I told the teacher that this is typical behavior at home.  I wanted to say "Wow, she most really like you!"

EVENING ... To top it off my A/C is broken in the car.  I HATE THIS CAR!!  I took them all swimming after to school.  I was mainly thinking that maybe this would help J focus on his homework.  WRONG!!! I spent most of the evening bathing, cooking and all while Lecturing him on his future with homework - why we do it, who does it, blah blah blah.

Now it's 7:40pm - No dinner for me yet, hubby is still working, I am tired, need a glass of wine a cup of coffee and prayer for a better day tomorrow.

The 1st appointment....

This was the make it or break it appointment for me. Or at least it felt like it.  I was getting so tired of all the crazy things some of the different doctors were saying.  They all wanted to give their opinions with no help or guidance.  This including the crazy lady that said my child was not Autistic because she could talk!!! 


I never doubted Children's but I did spend the day in prayer.  I prayed that the Lord would open these doctors eyes and help us to diagnose S.  I still  pray this since she won't be seen until the 22nd of September.   This doctor heard me explain everything and show a couple of videos.  The one thing I forgot to mention was about S's conversational skills but I'm sure that will come up another time.    


It seemed like the doctor understood what I was trying to explian.   She laughed at the doctor who said the nonsense and acknowledged my concern for S.  She understood that children like S can pass under the radar since their problems are mainly out of school.  S's teacher wrote a letter as did the school pshycolgist. Her teacher noted concerns or odd behavior she notices in S - "S likes to organize my stuff without me asking, her overly helper skills that get in the way of learning, her touchiness (sensory) with other.. etc...."  since her teacher wrote this letter the doctor said that it shows that it's enough of a problem/or out of the norm for the teacher to bring to my attention.  Most teachers try to overlook minor issues.  I can go on... and on... but I will say the winner of it all and all I wanted was for someone to say "If it is not Aspergers, it does not mean that she won't benefit from the same therapies, and we will give these to her either way..."  YES, YES... that is all I wanted.  


The other opinion I heard is that it could be emotional regulation problems.  The only part of this, that I don't think it is.  Is that S has language issues as well. So we will wait and see.... 

Feeling positive right now and holding on to hope.

Another Appointment

Tomorrow is the beginning of another round of crazy questions.  A new person to evaluate my daughter.  This appointment is with Children's.  I have told myself this is the last person that I will go too.  I trust them, last time they did a good evaluation.  The appointment tomorrow is the pre-evaluation.  The one where I go in and have to talk about all the things that I see in my daughter that to me are not of the "norm".

I HATE these appointments.  It's so hard to talk about all that you notice that your child does not do compared to others.  I don't have much to say about it, except keep us in our thoughts.

If you have been through this you know how nerve racking this is.  Are they going to see what I see? Am I crazy?  Is it really this hard?

The fight for one

S's next autism appointment is coming up.  This is the last diagnosis.  The last place I went to, I do not recommend.  The lady told me all that was wrong with my child and then didn't diagnosis. Because S has had what some would say a traumatic background a lot of people lean on that but, that is not why S is the way she is I feel.  So this time we are going to Children's the first place about a year ago that diagnosed her with PDD-NOS.

Lately I keep getting this feeling that people still don't get it.  Why do you want to diagnosis your daughter? Why can't you just accept her for who she is?  What good is it going to do once you get the diagnosis?  It seems like you keep doing this over and over?

Here it is people.....  S is my daughter however you may look at it, she is mine.  I will fight for her and any of my children for whatever it is that is the best for them.  I do accept S for who she is, I love her more then anything I can describe.  I accept the fact that she closes up when overwhelmed, that she has fits because she can't describe her feelings, that she would rather read all day then play outside, that she has sensory issues, that she doesn't sleep, etc...

It's not a thing of acceptance.  By receiving a full fledge diagnosis of Aspergers it actually will help S with a lot.  At this moment S is receiving Social Therapy at school not because they have too but because they are doing me a favor.  S does not receive a IEP or 504 and without either one they most likely will not continue to do this.  Without a diagnosis I won't be able to have either one of those.  The traits of Aspergers is starting to emerge more and more.  I'm not trying to fight it, I am trying to help her to understand her world more.  In every child they speak of a window, a time frame that is the best to teach your child in.  That window I feel like is closing more and more.  I feel as if I only have a certain amount of time to pour into her about feelings, understanding others, touching, etc..

I love her and I am only trying to help her so that she wont have to struggle so much.  Don't tell me nothing is wrong, I know her the best.  I know how many times I have to explain simple things that others just get.

Do you know how hard it is to hear your child's teacher tell you that your child doesn't socialize much? Or to hand over screaming child in the midst of a school yard all because she can't find the words to describe her frustration? To see the look in your child's eyes because you know they know they can't find the words, or to hear them say "Mommy it's so hard to understand ______,"
All I can give is hugs.  Hugs are the best thing in the world, they say so much and that is all I can give most of the time.

I love her and I do accept her.  I still feel that this doesn't explain much... Every parent wants to help their child succeed and so do I.

Vacation and More

Where have we been? We've been in Vegas baby!!  Daddy and I took S and J to Vegas for a couple of nights.  We had dinner at Rainforest Cafe, saw the lions at MGM, more and more food and then the Mystere show.  They LOVED the show!  I was nervous with all my usual worries of what if's but S was into the whole show and vacation, the show moved at just the right pace, and she enjoyed seeing all the new things.  J on the other hand it felt like I had a jr.high, high schooler.  He said he loved it but he seemed to complain a lot.

Now of course we are back to normal school schedule.  Last post I mentioned how I am trying so hard not to yell.  To be honest a couple of times I did feel like I was losing it and maybe I did lose it a little. However ( KNOCK on WOOD) I find that I've been holding it together lately.  I've just been turning up my music when S loses it the car, letting myself imagine something calm and relaxing and praying before I feel like blowing.

J has been really been the hard one.  His homework is a lot of work in the evenings and I am so tired of getting him to do it every night. It's exhausting.  The other day he said "Why arn't you nice?!"  My answer "Why do I have to reapeat myself more then twice to get you to do something.  If you listen to me the first time then I can be a little nicer." His response NONE he knows what he does..

S has been going to social skills class twice a week at her school.  It is such a blessing because she still doesn't have an IEP so they don't have to do this.  I asked the psychologist today - "When does this all start working, does it?"  Of course there wasn't a direct answer.  Just the same you got to keep doing it, it takes time.  S can tell me what she is suppose to do when she is calm, how she is suppose to use her words but when she gets mad it just flies out the window.  Once a week she has been losing it in the mornings at school when I drop her off.  The staff again knows her and me so they just grab her hand from me and walk away.   As a mother it is hard to watch your child in full tears being pulled away but I know it is in the best and there is no logic to the fit in the first place.

Her teacher is AMAZING.  For the first time someone in the school has picked up on S's tendencies.  See most people overlook S because around people she is quiet, a helper, a lot of times she just does things without being asked, a very sweet child.  At home we get the other end.....
Her teacher though noticed that S doesn't socialize with the other children a lot, that she likes to organize the teachers stuff (without asking), that she would stay by her all day if she let her, that she is touchy to people (hands, clothes, etc...), that she likes to be the "teacher".    See most people want this from their children but not when this is all your child does.  So she has been trying to teach her to "use her hands nicely" or re-pointing her to do something else.  I feel so blessed by this and somewhat SANE.

Why then do I feel like I am still trying to grab at whatever time I have left with my child? To fill her with whatever it is she needs to learn.  I don't know - Maybe I am overreacting?  Maybe I am the crazy one?  All I know is I still feel like I am doing the right thing and their is something "Just what?"

The Weekend Warrior

The weekend came and went.  Daddy is working as much as possible out of town on the weekends. So the mother of four is still somewhat alone. Story of my life...  Thankfully God made me one strong woman.  Weekends are always a roller coaster of up and down emotions.  S doesn't do good on the weekends because there is no set schedule and by Sunday we are a MESS!!!  This weekend I wish I could say was different, a walk in the park, a breeze, no problem. But no it was typical weekend and Sunday.

I will admit that as recently I have become a yeller.  Let me say though that I HATE YELLING!!!  I never really was a yeller, except for the occasional argument with the hubby.  Even that I don't think I would call yelling just a raising of the voice.  S, though within the last two years has drawn me more and more to the darker side.  I hate to say that it's entirely her fault because it's really not.  It's mine, I know.  I'm just exhausted of trying so hard to talk to my children.  I mean, I do, I try really hard to just give it to them simply and honestly. "J please pick this up, J do your homework, then you repeat (x4), add a little ignoring, then a little whining on their end and whada bing, whada band - EXPLOSION!!!!

S it's the same thing - Example: She loves to play with the blinds in her room.
"S did you do this? (blinds are hanging crookedly), No answer from S, then the eyes have become some sort of lying being made in the head.
"S if you did this, please do not touch these blinds. You can touch these ones but you do not need to pull on them. Ok?" Then it starts.... YELLING, STOMPING, SCREAMING and the THROWING....
"S I didn't get mad at you, your not in trouble, I'm just talking and telling you something." Repeat above.
"Now for throwing you can do sentences." REPEAT  ABOVE.  
She finally did the sentences (I will use words when mad.) , it took three hours to write a simple sentence 72x.  But it got done.. and TADA I DIDN"T SCREAM!!! I did however at one point have to grab a neighbor and walk away for five minutes.

My thought is this, if S has a hard time just communicating her frustrations.  Then how much easier am I making it for her if I'm not communicating mine correctly.  I'm not being a good example to anyone, It's not good on my health (I can feel it taking a toll).  And I am starting to be afraid of what life is going to be like as a teenager if this is just elementary.

So wish me luck, on my daily battle.  I know I will lose it because I am human but I am going to try my best and this for me to realize, is a start.

School Life

We are seriously back to the routine of school.  They are all so excited to be back in as I am too.  S seems to be doing a lot better since school is a BIG rountine for her.  J  is back to normal of crying and getting mad when it's homework time.  I hate HOMEWORK time!!! S however it's all that she ever wants to do.

All the kids are starting soccer practice today except for my little K.  Poor thing she had to wait thru 3 older siblings that little girl is ready to play some kind of sport.  I need to find something to put her in.

Now that the kids are in school, I am extremely busy with trying to get all the school volunteering in order. I am on the PTC board which keeps me busy but most importantly it keeps me visible at the school.  I am able to talk to the teachers whenever I need to or vice versa and that is important.

We are still only a week and half into it and S is doing good with her change to ALL DAY school.  Her school does a really good with job with trying to help me, help her.  S loves to help, it's what she does.  They like to pair her with other indiviuals that may be a little handicap in her class so that she can help them with what they need. It gives her confidence in class and I belive with her peers. The only thing about this is that it also makes her think that she is  IN CHARGE.  The second day I was at school and I was watching her walk back to her class from afar. I was standing there with the school psychologist and special education person.  When we see S physically trying to carry a BIG boy... in line.  The special ed person hollered at her to put him down.  And their is example #1 of thinking she's IN CHARGE. On the third day of school the kids were getting in line by their number order - S is the #1. A little boy was out of his number order so S took it upon herself to PUSH him into his spot, wihich made him fall over because she can be rather rough.  I was shocked when I saw the size of this little boy, little is not quite the word to describe him. He was a BIG Boy.   The teacher is trying to help her learn to keep her hands to herself.

My only concern lately is that S when she is home seems a little different.  She doesn't seem to be trying to play with others too much.  After her homework and reading time is done, she wants to still do her other educational books.  At school when I do see her on the playground she does the monkey bars over and over, not really chasing or running with others.  We went to a family b-day party the other day and she went into her bubble.  If the kids were in the jacuzzi she sat by herself in the pool, if they were in the pool she was in the jacuzzi.  When I tried to talk to her she was overstimulated and wouldn't talk or make eye contact.  This happened a couple of other times too.

There are times when I doubt if she even has ASPERGERS. She seems happy, content, she's not arguing as much with me anymore. She's really trying I can see it.  What's hard is to hear her starting to notice the difference - "Mommy I don't like to play outside,  Mommy I try to focus so hard in class it makes me tired..., I have a hard time with my shapes."  Can they notice these things?

On a positive note - the adoption is going well and we are in a waiting period.

Questions and More Questions....

I was reading another blog today about Gratitude and it made me think.  The person was right, I too do not know how to teach this to S.  She yells at me all the time "I never this, I never that....  Your mean.... I want, etc., etc.,.  How do you teach this?  For my other three kids they get it, they understand when someone does something for them, they don't say I never etc....   They say that Aspies are one sided that they only think of themselves, that is why they have a very your expected to do this attitude. Does this then give them an excuse to act the way they do?  I don't think so, it helps or is suppose to help us understand this but does not give them reason too?  I also don't think it helps for me to just accept it.  The question then still reminds how do you teach it? Get them to understand it, in the heat of their rant on this or that? Don't get me wrong S can have the best manners especially with anyone that is not at the home.


I am also beginning to question a lot of stuff.  Yes S has problems with her language skills HINT: just a second ago my son was trying to get a tiny little action figure gun out of some package.  The Gun was the size of a finger nail.  S response "Oh that is a big as a rat." J- "A rat is bigger then this S."  S- "It's as big as a mouse I mean."  THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!!  We went to check the kids classroom assignments a little while ago.  It took S five minutes to figure out how to ask me the name of her teacher - "What is the class called?, I mean who is the lady?,  The class that I am in what is.....?   I mean.....  My answer  - Do you want to know the name of your teacher?  S- yes, please.  - my response  was of course the teacher name.  Poor little thing has the hardest time trying to word her questions, and you sort of have to know what she is trying to ask.  Is this normal or expected with ASpies? Is this part of the pervasive language skills that she lacks?  


The argumentative is a question too - She argues about everything that is not exactly the way she pictures it.  Today we went to Target which in itself is always an FUN ADVENTURE (Sarcastic undertones).  J bought some candy and a toy with money from the tooth fairy - AND LET The RANT began!  You never buy me, blah..., blah...  I try to explain that I am not buying it for him but to no avail it does not stop.  Is that too part of it? Or is that the behavior disorder that they tried to say she has?


FUNNY WORDS today:  I'm all stucky (AKA: she was sticky.)  How do you know when you do your hair? (I Know what she was saying... but do you?)


P.S. - We got the teachers we wanted!!!

School and Sensory Issues

We are on our TWO day count down until school starts.  I am both excited, nervous and anxious.  S is about to go into 1st grade with 20 something students in one class and one teacher as opposed to her 3 teachers and 18 kids.  Kindergarten was full of music, poems, and cute readings.  No more of that and WELCOME to the REAL WORLD my dear 1st grader.

School is intense these days. Can you imagine that with language, coping and sensory disorders? I feel horrible, like I am throwing her into a mash pit.  I wish I could sit with her all day or just watch her from a far. I too am learning to let her go and do the best I can do when I can. I am sure she will do just fine and the other issues will come at home.   J is about to go into 2nd grade and he does amazing in school. Our only obstacle is homework. To make him do it, it's like pulling teeth as a matter a fact I think he would rather have a tooth pulled then actually do homework.

S on the other hand LOVES HOMEWORK, work books, and learning new things.  To get her to play is pulling teeth.   All in all we are ready for the first day of school on Wednesday.

S is back to her typical self with the usual quirks to her day. Today I found myself pondering the sensory disorders.  I have been getting her clothes ready for school and found that most of her old stuff I have gotten rid of not because she outgrew it but because they had elastic in them, or pants are too tight.  I love FASHION and so sometimes I do make her wear a pair of skinny jeans.  If I can get her in them at the last minute, distract her in the morning and run out the door. WAHLA!! She's wearing them in the car and if she complains she can't change till we get back - Is that mean???

Another one of her sensory issues are smells.  She has this amazing nose. She can smell a certain smell a mile away.  Things that wouldn't typically bother someone always irritate her.  Gas smells, TOOTS as we call it, stinky smells, sweet smells, etc... She has a nose like a Dog or some kind of animal that has an amazing nose.

Today I had to tell her to stop smelling the sewer or drain that she was standing by. She was just standing their smelling it and commenting.  Smells intrigue her.  She said that she wasn't putting her nose on it just standing close to it mommy and it STINKS.

Can anyone explain these to me? I think sometimes this is a big part of my annoyance that I have to overlook.  Their are other sensory issues but I overlook them.

Well TWO days away.... I find out what teachers they both have tomorrow.  For J, I am not familiar with the second grade spanish teachers.  For S, I have my hopes set on one teacher and praying that she doesn't get the other. We will find out soon........

My little "M"

I thought I would share little about one my M today. I speak a lot on S and J and K but not to much on my M.  What's interesting in this, is that M is my "3rd" child.  My children were not "born" into their numbered roles they were given, or you can say we created this role for them. I never understood the meaning of third child, second child, etc... because their was only two in my family.  However, having four children now... I understand it and it is so true.

I say we "created" these roles because we are in the process of adopting M and S and it's been almost two years.  It seems like everyone has just assumed their roles.  J is the older, wiser, cautious one of them all,  S is while S.  M is easily forgotten about, not in a bad way he just is quiet and does his thing.  K while she has for sure become the last and fourth child.  She is Loud, feisty, the baby, and opinionated. She fights for what she wants, that too not in the bad way.

That leaves me with my M.  Oh my M..... He is such a sweet little boy.  He too has his issues, weather that is the trauma or the neglect of the past or just hereditary traits - Who Knows?  I do know that he is one of the sweetest little boys you will ever meet.  He loves hugs and kisses and seeks them more then the others on his own. K is always given them A LOT since she is the baby, a monkey on my back.  M wants them and I never deny.  He looks out for his Mommy he covers me when he thinks I'm cold, or hugs me when he thinks I need to be comforted.  He looks for ways that I may need help and is always eager.  I need to get better at accepting his help. I am little controlling.

He does have anger problems because he is soooo... overly sensitive.  You just tell him don't do that or No and he gets his feelings hurt so FAST  "You don't love me...  I don't like that toy.... I want to leave....."  Nonsense really, he doesn't know what he is saying. He's just mad because he's FOUR YEARS OLD.  Unlike S since I know some people will say "Well she does that to"  He is quick to say mommy I am sorry for saying mean things,  mommy I love you, hug me.. He always knows what he did wrong and understands his corrections.  He is four so he does repeat them.

He is so talented, I really mean GIFTED!! He has this amazing photographic memory.  If you wear something with the tiniest detail he will remember that detail and when you wore it.  He will also point out that detail in someone else's clothes remembering where he saw it.  He remembers so much of the craziest things.  It amazes me.  He is very artistic but he hasn't quite discovered this.  I am no art specialist,  but the use of colors in paintings intrigues me.  And if all my children make a painting M's painting always is so smooth, and flows, no help needed.  It's just put together in a way that makes you look at a little longer then the others.

His other gift is sports.  He already has the older coaches talking about when they get him on the team. He learned to ride his bike in FIVE minutes. He asked his daddy to take off his training wheels and told him "Don't hold me Daddy." I was upstairs taking a shower, to my surprise he was riding full force when I came down and by the end of the day JUMPING CURBS - no lie.  He hops his razor, he can throw and bat, slides and runs.  He watches and studies the sport players on TV - football, baseball, soccer and basketball. He mimics their moves without a ball and with one.  It is a GOD given gift and that is all I can say.  He has a very kind and gentle hearted a very gentle heart.

I told him the other day.  One day your going to make an amazing husband.  His respones "Then I can be an amazing daddy."  I just hugged him and said "yes M you will be".

To my M.... I am proud to call you my boy.  I love you more then words can express and more then you ever know.  You are mine with all my heart and always will be.  Love your MOMMY xoxo.

Ready to play ball

Him and K at the beach. Little buddies....

What's been going on?

Well time has been going by and I haven't posted in awhile.  The children have all been on Summer Break, the much dreaded Summer Break that I was so not looking forward too turned out to be a GREAT SUMMER that WE all are going to miss.

Summary of the last 6 weeks:
1.  Started with a nice camping trip a local stay-cation.
2. Took the older three - J, S, and M to Palm Springs with Friends for a couple of days.
3. S got tested at C.A.R.E.S, they have not called to follow up to schedule the counseling they said she needed.  They said that she has no Coping, no social and pervasive language skills. That they would have diagnosed her with Aspergers if she did not have a previous background of neglect.  SO =P (tongue sticking out) at them.  We will just keep making it through until Children's Hospital appointment in August for me(interview) and September for her.   Meanwhile, also will continue with our make shift home therapies and doing as much as we can.

4. The older two S and J went to my in-laws for a little over a week.  I was super nervous about this.  Not for J because he's been before and does well when away.  But for S who I was worried with all the WHAT IF's:  What If she losses it, What if she does this or that, blah, blah, blah.....  Well thank God all my WHAT IF's were not needed.  She did great!! She got lots and lots of one on one attention and did lots of fun things with everyone.  Since all I have our nephews the boys all played together and S soaked in all the girlie, girl attention.

Well they were gone, I enjoyed more then ever, spending time with my youngest two M and K.  Too watch them play together, was so wonderful.  They got to act their age as much as they wanted because they weren't worried about trying to be a BIG kid like their brother and sister.  They laid in Mama's bed and watched moves, they got special trips to SeaWorld, to visit daddy at his FAR AWAY job, zoo trips and a lot of little things.

To remember what it was like with two, What is all the complaining about people?! Two is a breeze, books of mine got read, they played, house stayed clean without the older two messing it up.  No fights to really break up because they both are so close in age they like to play the same things.

It was the life - Thank you to my amazing in-laws for taking the older two for a much needed time away.

School resumes here in about five days.  School shopping is somewhat done and we are all looking forward to starting our routine again. I think we are looking forward to it?  The TV we got fixed and we made it the WHOLE summer without one.  The kids would and still are watching old VHS's in my bed. LOVE IT!!!  Daddy's been gone our whole Summer break working his bottom off in 113 degreee heat and THANK you daddy but we SURVIVED mommy with all her four cubs.  S and M learned to swim on their own. So PROUD! For S this was a huge accomplishment we started swimming lessons at AquaPros a local place that specializes in autistic kids.  S use to scream when water touched her and never got her face and hair wet but she LOVES the water, she has confidence and with her own timing she is now swimming to watch her swim means more then words can say because for S things come at a different timing then others she has a lot more work that goes on in the inside.

School not only starts for the kids but for me as well. I haven't been in school in 7 years!!! I am excited to do something for myself and for a future.  I decided to pursue a minor in Child Development and Major in Psychology.  All my old computer stuff, doesn't count at all  but at least I had previously started studying Child Development so I don't have that much more to go.  They said that I will be done in 2014! ha ha ha....

Weekend Fun

My long blog post must have touched a little a few people because on Saturday as I was bathing the children, I turned around from the bathtub and My husband was standing there.  I was beyond excited to see him.   We enjoyed our time together catching up and the kids couldn't get enough of their daddy.  

He of course it back out there working.  I will see him soon because 4th of July is coming (HOLIDAY!!) . Today I spent the day getting ready to take the kids on a mini vacation to somewhere where it's hot, water slides and a pool to lounge by all day.  A friend of mine is taking her two kids with us.  So Two Mamas, and FIVE KIDS.  Watch out here we come!! The little one is going to stay with Grandma so that I get a little more of a break. 

Monday's when daddy leaves are usually really hard for S.  I usually try to keep the Monday lite.  However, today I needed to run errands to get ready so I called in the sitter while I took the car to the shop to get the oil changed done, etc...  Then I picked everyone up and took the to our FAVORITE store TARGET ( I love TARGET) I think I could do a post alone on this subject.  S though does not love TARGET.  She was a MESS!! She was clapping her heart out (not a good sign), shaking the cart, yelling at me, J kept saying "Mom everyone is looking at us." My response "Oh well, let them look.  It is what it is, I am keeping calm and trying to keep her calm too."  That was one of the quickest Target trips ever.  The aisle of wasteful clothes, accessories, make-up was not looked at today.  This of course would please my husband. 

They played all day while I did some Guardianship paperwork, time to update it until the adoption is finalized.  I keep imaging that day in my head - Who to invite? What it is going to be like?  I can't wait to get the date.  I know that S and M are excited to have the same last name.  

Love is an amazing thing.  Many moms wonder when they have a second child - How will I love this one like my first?  You just do, there is so much love that is in us to give.  Parents that adopt wonder - Can I really love this child like my own biological child?  The ANSWER: YES!!! I am so blessed by each one of my little ones. I love them all and I still feel I have love to give.  

I can't wait for our vacation and some bonding time with my three older ones.  Board games, movies, food, and water. What more can you ask for?

OVER IT!!

It's a wonderful 78degrees here.  There is so much that I have thought to do this summer with the kids

Zoo
SeaWorld
Beach Days
Water Park
Park Days
Drive-In
Movies
Craft Days

Only a couple have been done.  We did manage to squeeze in the zoo, park days and craft days.  However, at this point I am OVER IT ALL!!  Do you know how much work goes into taking four kids anywhere?   You have snacks, water, jackets, etc.... all of this to pack with -  Did you go the bathroom?  Brush your teeth?  Shoes On?  

I am over them asking me for another snack when I just fed them 5 MINUTES AGO!!! I am over them tattling on each other about something!! I am over them dirtying my house 24/7 because of summer break.  I am over all the laundry to do, I am over hearing the little ones cry just because while they are little and are learning.  I am not saying just because I am over it that I treat them bad No.

Deep inside though, I don't want to do any of it for a little while.  You would think that taking your kids outside would occupy them with something to do.  Some times though it seems it's easier to just stay home.  When are TV does arrive I am going to plan a full day of doing NOTHING!!!

That's my rant today.  I love them but I just am OVER IT today. We went to the park, time to cook some fish and dinner, pop the cork to a bottle of wine and breathe (AWWW.....) I love wine.....

Life

It's been sometime since I've posted.  Since our TV has been broken it seems like there is less time for me to just sit.  There is no electrical babysitter to plug them into.  The kids have been finding old VHS movies around the house for the one 12inch TV with VHS that works.  It's sweet watching them all pile onto mom's bed to watch the one movie of the day.  I have been picking and choosing the times they can watch.  The cable doesn't work in our room so all they get is Jungle book, Mary Poppins and any other old movies that I had as a kid.

We had friends that came and visited us for a couple of days and it was sooo.... nice for me to get some adult interaction.  Oh how I missed it and now miss it again.  The kids overall did very well. S had a little break downs but overall did well.  We went to the zoo, crafts and played board games (again no TV for wii, or movies).

To say the truth it's been hard to write lately.  I have been waking late around 9 -9:30am in the morning while the kids are waking earlier and finding something to entertain themselves.  I can't seem to fall asleep until 12am-1am because I need down time so badly and this is when I get it.  I crave to be left alone, just for a little while.  I love my children don't get me wrong but I am going on month THREE of no husband and four children.  I knew when he left that 4 weeks was not the right quote.  I know his job well and his company that you never take what they say add a couple of hours or days to the equation given.    I am lonely and by myself.  Yes I am fortunate enough to live by family but my children are not theirs.  My mother raised two girls but not four kids and 2 more make quite the difference. Yes she does well but anyone that is not use to it can only handle that many for a short time.

I want my husband back so bad, I don't want to talk on the phone anymore with him because I miss him so much and it only reminds me of this.   I am over cooking dinner and feeding the monkeys.  I listed an ad on the local craigslist for help but what do I say spill my life story.  - Mom needs help with two biological children and two that have some issues.  Must be able to handle a child that has no coping, social skills and lacks certain verbal the other will push your buttons to see how far they can get with you. If you can handle four children two with issues then call me. - No it does not say this; it says very little.  The thing that I am finding is the people that respond to the FREE publication are CRAZY.  Now I know why people pay money for an agency.  I have found one girl that decided to describe in detail her life story on taking care of her nieces and nephews because sister had postpartum and mother had some kind of disease that left her alone a lot. The other wanted me to tell her about why I thought she would make a good match. I don't even know this girl.  Crazy people...

Today we had another meeting for S.  They tested her IQ and said she was very bright. Of course she is people, she is very smart I never doubted this part.  They gave me another list of questions to rate on what she can and cannot do.  Oh how I hate answering all those questions, such a pain.  When it came time for me to talk to the counselor, I walked in the office and their was S playing on the floor talking like a baby.  I told the counselor that this is not S's normal voice and that she does that when she is uncomfortable and it usually follows with a tantrum later.  It's a signal to my husband and I that it's  time to go or remove her from the situation.  I showed her videos on S being overwhelmed, bubbled, and not understanding what I have to say.

Her thoughts "Remove S from the situation till she can listen, tell her you won't talk to her till she can calm down".  IS THIS LADY FOR REAL!!! COME ON NOW! That is not how easily it's done.  I told her I do this however, she won't go willing, she turns physical, she's broken her door in her room and does not understand time outs to calm down.  This is what I do but it is hard to walk away knowing something will break.  She also said that she doesn't clearly see the PDD-NOS however she still needs to do the scoring.  She said however, that S has no coping skills, social skills and pervasive language skills.  This is why she can't understand basic No, Yes,  removing of situations/schedule changing, directions and also hot/cold, etc...  all of it has to do with coping involving social as well. That they want to meet with her once a week to develop these skills and that they will help me with her school to get her what she needs there so that she can cope with the environment.    My question is "How is this not ASPERGERS, PDD-NOS?"  It's not that I want the label it's just that without the label it makes it 10x harder to get the help I need at school and out.  It's already hard enough with a label.   I made another appointment for S at children's but not till September so we will go to counseling and see what they offer until our September appointment says otherwise.  The counselor said that some children are just born without these skills and need help developing them.  She will call to schedule and go over the results.  Nothing is final yet but I'm pretty sure once the scoring is done some things may change on her perspective.

It's hard enough in life being a parent let alone adopting two with a traumatic past.  Then having a husband gone.  I am so tired of defending my child and feeling like the world is waiting to tell me "I told you so...." when all I am trying to do is give the best life possible for little girl.

Autism PRIDE DAY

For Autism Pride day, cheers to us parents as advocates!!! Xoxo

S had her autism meeting the other day.  How did it go? I was highly disappointed.  Here is the background a year ago S was diagnosed with PDD-NOS/Trauma disorder.  Children's hospital (one of the best if not the best hospital) said they think that it is Aspergers. So we worked super duper hard for a year on her Trauma Disorder and now we are a year from then.  S has improved in leaps and bounds in so many ways related to the trauma, she can now talk about her past when asked questions and doesn't retreat into her bubble.  She better understands a little as best as a six year old can to what happened to her mother ("She was sick").  The thing is that other things didn't change, her verbal and understanding have not changed.  She still cannot verbalize feelings, touch, she gets over sitimulated in many different environments, echos schedules, and questions asked.  She cannot intiaite a conversation and when you do talk to her it's black and white.  Nothing more is ever added.  She gets upset with certain foods, clothing, etc...  She cannot get over "mine" like a two year old, sharing is just not understood.  There are so many other qualites with her anger and her bubble when over stimulated (makes no eye contact, rocking, etc....)  I don't think I want or need to explain this right now.

We went to CARES the other day and I went with excitement that the cure to all was going to be handed to me.  That the Aspergers label would be given and we could move onto therapy part.  The part that I am waiting anxiously for.   This is not what happened.  They interviewed S for about 40 min.  with conversation about friends, school, family. They watched her play and read a book to her.  WHATEVER!!! Her conversation was not elaborate, it was the answer to the question asked and nothing more ever added.  Her description of "Why is BLANK your friend?" her answer "because..." Because why? "Because I asked her?" that was her answer!!!   Not all the other stuff added....

My daughter does not have severe Autism and I thank God for that.  I know that I am fortunate that she is verbal, that she can communicate, smile and eye contact is made.  Let me say this... we worked on eye contact since the beginning.  Eye contact will not be made with you when a story is being told, or she is worked up, only on short calm answers.  That is what the counselor asked, short calm answers!

She can point and verbalize because in my kitchen hangs a sign with stick figures that reads "USE WORDS" the person is saying "Please don't do that,  stop, help, etc...."  with that is a schedule of events for the week.  These are the things that we work on.  I do little charts with expected an unexpected behavior.  I have created my own therapies for her.  Her school psychologist has helped with a lot of this out of his own time.  I am thankful for that.  My question - Should I have left it alone, so that they could see how bad she was when first diagnosed?  Should I have not helped her because now she has made improvements and they can't see it as clear as the beginning? Autsim doesn't just go away, you can improve, there are HIGH FUNCTIONING CASES!!!!!

The Psychologist at this center rescheduled another visit in a week to test her IQ.  S is not dumb, she is very, very smart.  She can read like no one's business.  Her memory can do weird things like not remember what she heard a second ago, not understand common phrases but then memorize songs and music like nothing.  Here is what, was said "I don't see Autism in her, she can make eye contact and she is verbal."  (THOUGHT:  You did not just say that??!! Do you not know about High Functioning kids??!!!)  My answer "High functioning children can speak, and some can make eye contact for short periods.  I know she is not severe, I am not asking her to be.  I am asking for help, I don't care if regional doesn't pay for us, I just want to know how to explain things to my daughter, I want to help her,  shoot I'll give her my own therapies if I have too, just tell me what is so I know what to do."  Her answer  "I think it might be a behavioral disorder."  Me: "You think my daughter has bi-polar or something like that? I don't think that is what it is.  She doesn't just switch moods on a drop of a dime.  She is gets upset because she can't say stop, no, I don't like that, she can't say I want to go home.  I have to watch her eyes to see if she has had enough, listen to her voice. If that is what you think then okay."

What does this mean for me? NOTHING.... At first I was upset, cried, wanted to go into my bubble because this lady felt that out of forty minutes she could judge from that.  The testing was no where near to Children's Hospital previous testing.  The road keeps going from here.  Our children are given to each one of us for a reason.  S was put into my life so that I could bless her.  I am her advocate.  I don't wish to label my child, I wish to help them succeed in life.  I called Children's Hospital, I will pay there big $$$$ and have her 6 hour evaluation done.  If they say it's nothing and it's this then so be it.  But I don't think that is what will happen.

I don't have a support group of parents behind me but, I know that people in my shoes read this blog because I see the stats.  My thing to you is, I could use your support now to tell me that I'm not alone that to keep going and that I know my daughter best. 

Lifeline (Beep, Beep, Beep...........)

The TV oh what a horrible, filthy, wonderful, relaxing device.  I am without one for sometime, how I so look forward to my down time with my pal TV. I need to find a name for it;  maybe ZONEY, or Bob. Well needless to say my daughter broke ours today not S because that would make sense my youngest K did. K was upset because I was cleaning the garage from the water heater and not doing CRAFTS right when she requested it.  I had told her to wait and I we would, as soon as I was done. The other three were playing wii and she took it upon herself to find a toy and hit the Plasma.  End of Wii, End of TV.

I so miss my husband, my better half, the person to say "It's okay, calm down." in times like this.

This was such a weird weekend, the water heater broke but thank goodness for grandpas who can fix it all. I thought I had a leak but I was mistaken thank goodness for great-grandpa who showed me I am wrong.  And then the TV while a lesson will be learned, so thank goodness for whatever that is to be I am sure I will find out.

I spent the evening very upset and calling BestBuy, GeekSquad and Panasonic nothing, nada, zilch. "We can't do anything if it's the screen have to buy a new TV" is what everyone said.  WHAT! xo@*$O^TO^ ( I didn't say this but I wanted too).   I instead bowed my head, poured my fourth cup of coffee, and sighed.  I have decided that it will rest and I will put this on the back burner for the rest of the evening. I can call homeowners in the morning, and THANK GOD for AMAZON!!! Already found some great deals!!

What got me was the fact that I miss my husband, really miss my husband.  I never realized how much I depend on him, it's not that he does everything.  I am not that type of women to let my husband do everything. I have learned how to really, really run the household, hold down the fort, raise the children, discipline, fun, and all that comes with being on my own.  We are lucky to see him every now and then for a day but really what is a day in every day. It seems like it all just comes crashing down when he's not home. I have learned a lot of lessons in this.  It's just that I miss him to just tell me to stop and relax to look at and feel his vibe that I need to calm down because yes I can go overboard.

What did I learn from today??  Hmmm... well the kids did very good without their nightly "quiet time" they played all the way until dinner time with all their toys, castles, polly pockets, action figures and cars.  They made towns together, laughed and of course wrestled (a frame was broken in the midst of this). Lil' grandpa, grandma, and big grandpa (my grandfather) came over to assess the damage on the TV and give their thoughts.  I really think they came to see if I was breathing and not going crazy.  I passed their test and the smiles made me feel better. Watching grandpa make the kids laugh, learning from big grandpa a little family history and just enjoying my mom's company made me realize I AM BLESSED, the TV doesn't matter, my spirits were calmed.

The end of the night ended with something that hasn't happened it a long time, too long..... A LOT of bedtime stories were read.  I read four big books and I have a feeling the library will be getting a visit from us very soon. Crafts will be made and board games will be pulled out from the dust.  Yes it SUCKS that the TV is broken and I can't veg out at night but books will be read (currently reading the Help) and I think I will enjoy it, I think the kids will play better without thinking they can run to the TV.

Wish me Luck on our NO TV for who knows how long...  maybe 1-3 weeks depending on Amazon shipping.

Freedom

This post has taken me about a week to write.  I don't really know why that is, other then something has preoccupied my mind, time, life.  Every chance I get to sit down is filled with a need of someone or something.  At this moment it's 9pm at night. I am trying my hardest to get everyone in bed.  S has taken to complaining and whining about bed time every night and while shucks every nap time.  The kid just doesn't sleep. A friend of mine suggested giving her melatonin a natural aid to help her sleep. I am planning on starting it after her evaluation this week.  At this moment she's complaining that it's dark in her room, she has a night light but I guess the darkness has changed whatever.

Summer Break has been upon us for about a week and half. Time has been spent camping at the beach, basketball camp for J and just living everyday life with the others.  S overall has been doing as good as she can.  She loses it every now and then but I have taken to posting our plans two days in advance on a white board in our kitchen, this seems to help her a little and she can read it any time that she wants to go over it. This coming week I have enrolled her in Art Camp with a friend they will be doing - Hip Hop dancing, singing, and acting.  I really hop she enjoys it.  I am curious on how this will go about.  I never know what to expect.  I always expect exhaustion after it's done but never know what to expect during.  I also hate to tell people what may or may not happen as she deserves to be treated like everyone else, she is.

S's big autism appointment got moved to this coming Wednesday.  We were planning our day and getting ready to head up there when I called to confirm since I didn't hear from them before hand.  The dr. had forgotten to make the appointment in her calender which moved us to this coming Wednesday.  At first I had felt like I had just got punched in the gut since, I am in desperate need of thearpies and help.  In the long run though I believe this worked out for the best.  I had recieved a spur of the moment call from the County regarding an interview of the children for the termination of thier old parents rights.

On Wednesday we went to the interview just me, M and S.  It was very short and went very well.  Then this last Friday we had the BIG DAY.  I don't even know what to say really. ....  I don't want to talk much about it since I don't know who reads this and I want to wait till it's all said and done but it was a very fast process and now we wait for the big day.... ( I am sure you can fit in the puzzle pieces).  Expect a very emotional blog when that time comes.

The emotion of this week came down on me when we got home and I crashed from Noon till 5pm.  My body was so emotionally exhausted I had to fight myself to get out the bed.  So much has happened since S and M came into our lives.  We are blessed to soon to call them TRULY ours.  I could make this post a long one but for now.  I will leave it at that.

We installed a baby monitor in the girls room to monitor how much S actually gets up.  I really don't know what the point of this is other then to just monitor it.

Well that is life at this moment. When do you finally just accept all that you've been given? When do you stop feeling like your two steps behind, like it's all going to crash any second?  I am waiting for just stopping to live moment to moment but really GRAP a hold of it all and just take in the big picture

How do you do it?

How do you do it? This is a question that I hear almost on a daily basis.  To tell you the truth I never know what to say.   Do I bow my head and say thank you, do I spill the beans and I say I am holding on by a string; What do you say?

To tell everyone the truth - I DON"T KNOW! Am I "doing it"?  I don't think I am, I literally live in moment to moment.  My day is spent from one step the other. I have adoption, autism, doctor appointments, raising everyone,  to busy to focus on "Isabel what are you doing?"  When I do stop to look at what I am doing.  I colapse, I feel like I can't breathe at times and find myself glued to a spot in the house not able to go to the next step.  There are times when I loudly say "I CAN"T DO THIS!" and I let my children here me pray to the Lord to give me strength.  I do lose it and the calm is right out the door like it wasn't even a part of me.

Writing this right now is causing me to breathe heavy, the tears are sitting on my eyelids waiting to pour out.  I don't allow myself to cry to often, it would do me no good.  This is the Life that the Lord gave me and this is the Life that I choose.  I can't run from it, or hide in a ball and never want to come out.  Pouring my sorrows into a Kleenex is going to do no one good.  So stand up straight and focus on the next part of my day I usually go.

Fear waits in the corner of my mind on daily basis.  Sitting there waiting to come in.  Fear that one day I am going to wake up and all of it is going to go away.  Fear that I won't be able to call S and M mine forever, Fear that I have to explain this to my family.  Fear that one day S will hurt herself because she doesn't understand her mind.  Fear that one day J will be filled with anger at me for all the craziness that we have gone through.  Fear that someone will knock on my door and all the therapies that we have worked through will be done with by one visit.  Fear that someone won't knock on my door but instead will find a way to kidnap them.  Fear of the unknown, Fear of the "what if's", Fear that the truth that I don't know what I am doing will be shown to EVERYONE!  Fear that all those threats that I have heard and bad dreams will come true and my children won't have a mom.

These are my Fears that I have to push away, give to the Lord and pray for Him to take away.  I have lived life not knowing what is the road up ahead but taking the step of Faith because in this exact moment it is the right thing to do.  The strength of my day is not mine because if it was mine I would have NONE.  Any decent mother out there knows what I mean.  When you have children your life is no longer JUST Yours to live, it's only meant for someone else, you weren't created for yourself but to be the mother of your children and raise them the best you can.  You hold on by a string on daily basis and have Fear of losing it all. You don't let that stop you though you put  your best foot forward and keep going.  Sometimes we slip, sometimes we fall, sometimes we do a lot worse but we know, that is life and we learn from our mistakes and grab onto that string again and just keep going.

My string is a lot more though, my string is the Lord and without Him.  I know I would be INSANE.
So when you ask me again "How do you do it?" I don't know WHAT I AM DOING, I just am.

Dear S

Today was quite a day. This was the last day of school before summer break for EVERYONE!  S had her kinder promotion to 1st grade and J had a little classroom celebration for the last day as he moves into 2nd grade.  This year is by no mean over but on to another step they go in life.

Last night was an emotional one for S.  She had a play date earlier in the day so by the time I got her after school she was WIPED OUT!! Her nonsense started early.  It ended with us giving each other hugs her talking about certain noises that bother her (brother was humming loudly).  I told her that in a couple of days she is going to go speak to lady who is going to ask her different questions.  She asked if it was about her being a part of our family.  I told her no it's just to see how her brain works.  This conversation stopped their for her brain but moved into her being a part of our family FOREVER!! I told her I love her very much and am so happy to be her mommy.  She never asks about her old mom.  She did ask last night about how old she was when she saw her last.  I told her almost two years ago.

So as I sat in the auditorium today and watched her sing her heart out, dance in the aisle and receive her certificate.  I couldn't help but cry.  I thought "Lord why me?" My heart was proud but yet saddened to know that someone else could have been sitting here but they gave it up.

Dear S,
I am so proud of you.  I am more then amazed at the little girl that you are.  When God made you He created you with a little extra love and braveness added in.  How much you have grown since you were four.  I can't even picture that little girl that you once were when you came to live with me.  Your learning level was very low you didn't know animal sounds, colors, simple vocabulary but LOOK at you now!!! Your AMAZING you know how to read BIG BOOKS, your writing is suburb, your heart is full of kindness and love and you always want to help someone they seem like they need it.  I don't know where your "old mommy is".  But I do know that wherever she is at she is proud of you!! How you can you not be??  You've played sports, learned how to ride your bike and your learning more everyday.  That shy, timid child that you once were is gone.  Your eyes shine so bright, your smile warms the heart of anyone that is blessed to see it.  So today as any day I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!  Even though you are only moving into 1st this has been a long year for you.  I am blessed to call you my baby, to see you look for me in a crowd, to see you smile and yell for me.  I am blessed to call you mine.  You have so much strength in you, that is still undiscovered.  YOU WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS because you already have.  No matter if someone says you can't you will always find a way.  I LOVE YOU BABY and congrats!! Love mommy

LIfe and Books

First I would like to note that this post has taken me FIVE DAYS


This three day weekend was busy, I took the kids to the FREEZING cold beach one day and the actual hot day we spent playing at home all day.  Things have had been up and down.  The norm I should say.  We had our adoption investigation for S and M.  A lady came to our house and interviewed me for about a half an hour while watching them play with Daddy outside.  After that they all came inside and met her where she asked Daddy about his work.  She then had S and M show her around the house.  She said that she would come again in a couple of weeks to speak one on one with S and M.  All in all I felt that it went very well.

This is the last break before Summer Break.  I am excited for this time to just do fun things and of course a little apprehensive.  I spent today enrolling S and J in Arts camp that will do Vocal Music, Hip-Hop Dance, and Drama.  J loves to watch plays and music.  However he could use a little help on the dance front.  I am hoping for some confidence in this area and that he doesn't focus so much on what others think. I guess that comes with his age as well.  I really think this is S's hidden talent.  She is very auditory and memorizes music like no one's business. I pray that she really enjoy's this and maybe it's something that we can pursue.  I also enrolled J in Basketball camp with his friends, this is something just for him that I think he needs. Enjoy your break from all of us J!

I went to the Barnes and Noble the other day to purchase some books to help me. Some of the books that I bought were Autism Acceptance for my oldest J to read with me.  It's focused toward elementary age children.  It has questions to answer to think about what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes, and also very good at explaining to him why certain things bother S.  He loves her and wants to play with her but the way that he expects her to play a lot of the time are very difficult for her(imagination play, rough play, etc..). The end result is usually frustration on his end. So far the little questions have helped to open up other questions that he may have.  I have found that learning acceptance in general is very good for him.  One of the sections that he is looking forward to is how to help or better explain things to S.

I also purchased Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes you Knew.  I have been looking for a simple read to give to family members close to S. To help them understand a little about exactly what it is, that she has. A lot of them only see S for short periods of time which she is able to hold it together. However, they are huge family members to us and I feel that it's important for them to have a good understanding.
One of the best things that I have read out of it is point 10: "If you are a Family member , please Love me unconditionally.  Banish thoughts like, "If he would just -" and "Why can't she-".  You did not fulfill every last expectation your parents had for you and you wouldn't like being constantly reminded of it.  I did not choose to have autism.  But remember that it is happening to me, not you.  Without your support, my chances of successful, self-reliant adulthood are slim.  With your support and guidance, the possibilities are broader than you might think.  I promise you - I am worth it." 
What a great thing for ALL of my children.  I do love them all unconditionally and they are all different for one another.  I can do this to all of them "Why can't he or she do this or be like that." this is something that I need to not do and accept them for  who they are, encouraging them in all that they are good at or what they love.

Next week is our Autism Evaluation for S. I am eager to get help on so many little things. One of the main problems lately is getting S to sleep.  SHE DOESN"T!!! She wakes around 5am every day, fights all naps no matter how exhausted she is and also bedtime.  She doesn't fight to go to bed for nighttime but doesn't fall asleep sometimes till 11pm.  I don't know how to get her to STAY in her bed without waking everyone.  She doesn't understand how her noise effects everyone.  She shares a room with her younger sister, which is why K always ends up in our bed in the middle of the night or just falls asleep in our bed.  ANY COMMENTS OR TIPS on this???