Thank you

As anyone that reads my blog knows that I have four wonderful children. What most don't know is that before our family was blessed with S and M, we had another dear bundle of joy on the way.   As the time is nearing to what would have been their third birthday, I have found myself thinking about them often. This I don't know maybe happens subconsciously, then I look at the date and see we are nearing what would be their birthday.   My oldest son J, has also been asking or remembering the loss of what he states "my baby brother."

As the saying goes when God closes a door another one opens.  In a very brief summary, our baby would have been born October 15, 2009.  I lost our child in my second trimester.  The door that God chose to open was the blessing of S and M.  A month after they came into my life I looked at the date it was October 15, 2009 that they came to live with us.  God took one and blessed us with another two. 

I have thought often about the day that I will see my child in heaven.  I do believe we see our children that we lost in heaven.  I wonder what they will look like and anticipate to just embrace them.  There is so much I would want to say and Thank them for.

I know many us have lost a child, or miscarried.. and have probably held their birthday's deep in our hearts and reflected and wondered at times about them.  I felt for those reasons to share what I would say

Dearest Child of mine,

I may have not been able to hold you in my arms but, do not think for moment that I have not thought of you.  I have wondered so much about you. I have thought about what you look like? And who you would have been?  There is one thing though that I cannot express to you is the LOVE that I have held for you in my heart.  I have remembered hearing your heartbeat for the first time, or the excitement of hearing we were going to be blessed with you, I have remembered watching you on the screen at the doctors and being awe of God's creation.  

Even writing this, I still feel I hold so much in heart that I can't express. I want you know though how GRATEFUL I am too you for the life that you gave.  You were to be born on October 15,2009 and even though we would have rejoiced in the blessing of watching you grow up.  I don't feel that we would have received or chosen too take in your dear brother M and sister S.  

God took you but I have never questioned him to why.. Who are we to question? I always knew there was a plan that he had.  A couple of months after we lost you, someone asked us to take two other beautiful children into our lives.  You gave your life for two other children to have one.  The day that you would have born is the day that God gave S and M.  The joy that we never could have gotten from you personally has been given ten fold in two amazing little beings.  I thank you for your sacrifice and for letting me a mother still.  

It is nearing what would have been your third birthday.  I think at times what you would be doing now, and who's personality you have. I imagine your face and still stare at times at your ultrasound. I want you know that you will always be my child and be held in my heart. 

I thank you again and as always and forever,  Mommy loves you

Whomever is reading this remember that the Lord always has a plan. I pray that you are blessed. 

(I have decided not proof read this as this is what was being expressed with tears and love)

LIfe as we know it.

The school year has officially began.  S, J and M are doing so good!!  The year is still yearly to see anything regarding S at school.  Other then she spends most recess/lunchtime by herself. Academically she is meeting all standards.

I find that she is like a chamelon. She can camouflage herself for awhile before her true colors began to emerge at school.  She is playing soccer but no games yet.  Last year she would freeze just shut down on the soccer field.  She wanted to play so bad this season, I didn't have the heart to say no.

J is now a BIG third grader and is doing well. A lot harder he says but he is doing it.  He is playing full time travel soccer, and trying out still for travel baseball.  I have put him in some private baseball coaching four times a week on top of two soccer practices a week.  Am I that crazy sports mom? I just want my kids to enjoy themselves.  J is really good at sports but he lacks self confidence, when he is on he is so great to watch then he sees someone better and shuts down.  That could come from both Me and Dad.

An example of my schedule
11:05 - pick up M from kinder
12pm - pick up K from kinder
2:45 - pick up J and S from school
3 - 4pm - Homework for all
4:30 - 5:30 = M practice
5:30- 6:30 - S practice (drop-off)
6 - 7:30pm - J baseball hitting practice (drop-off)
 RUN back to pick up S get there by 6:15
RUN back to pick up J get there by 7pm
Watch J then home we go for dinner

Craziness it all is CRAZINESS I tell you!!  On a side note, I really am praying J makes it on the travel baseball team, he wants it soo.... bad.

S has been going to cognitive therapy on Friday's.  They are trying to start with her opening up and talking about her feelings.  I don't expect some radical changes by October but the other day I found a note in my room.  She must have written it at night or early morning then snuck it in.
"I am sorry for crying 2 times I do not want to be S because I cry to  much y do not like it I am always in traboll. I am not a good kid for you." 
As sad as this was to read the positive note is that she was expressing herself.  I don't know why she felt this way as I had thought we had a good day. S has fits daily but I never yell or punish her for them. I wait till she calms down to discuss. Aspergians/People do notice they are different and her noticing is becoming more frequent.  What do you tell her? Even if I had a diagnosis I wouldn't want to use that as a reason to create an excuse.