Update

How do I sum up a year? So many changes..... We stopped therapies for S. I felt like she was associating too much of her identity with it.  We don't have a diagnosis however, therapy helped us a lot but there are some things that we need to just accept as her personality.  She started music classes and soccer and love's it!

J , M and K have been busy with sports and school. I started back to work as a preschool teacher and went back  too college, CRAZY right?! I love it though, love stepping out of my mom role and being validated for what I do.  Now that I've accepted four kids in school, college and work BAM!! Life is changing yet again!

We've thought about homeschooling S for a long time.  We've been on school break for awhile and S's anxiety has been under control 😅. Yes we have our moments but it seems manageable compared to a full out break down.  In my heart homeschooling option won't disappear so here we go on yet another new journey.

I keep being reminded that my role in life is mommy not who I want to be separate of that. God blessed is with each of our kids for a reason, sometimes they don't know how to use their voice and it's our purpose to help them. I pray this is the right choice for all the family. The emotional fits were taking its toll finally on all.

I still get too work but instead of 5 days 2 and yet I'm selfishly morning my/our changes. Wish us the best!

Breathe

I know that nothing just happens.  I do believe that God guides our life and has a plan for each and every one of us.  Does that mean that I float on a cloud, trusting that all will be sunshine and happiness?  No... To tell you the truth the last two weeks I have been questioning a lot about being a mom.

I am a mother of four, a wife to a lineman (power poles), two adopted children, two biological, one with anger issues and the other with something (Aspergers).  The bible says that we are not given more then we can handle.  When I reflect on my life I can see that I am exactly where God wants me to be and has designed me to be.

But, lately I feel like I just CAN"T DO THIS!!! S has been on school break for the last two weeks and any change in her schedule is like taking a toaster and sticking it in a tub of bath water. It doesn't stop, it never stops (only a little bit)....  Her screaming, her mean words, her tantrum.  All the while I have to sit there and say "I understand.. you need to stop screaming before we can talk, ya-da, ya-da"  I take the verbal punches one by one " I hate you!, Your not my mom!, Your mean! I'll never look at you! etc..."  Does she mean them? No, and I know that.  Because half the time that she is mad it doesn't even make sense about a half eaten burrito or I touched her bed.  I know she is mad because this break is hard, there is no schedule, and if we do something the next day she is a wreck for over stimulation.

I have been taking it all in.... never yelling, trying to talk.  No one, No one understands what it's like! Do I expect them too? No I don't, at times I would rather stay in my own bubble then explain it.

I just at times need to feel like I'm not alone.  I know my daughter loves me, I know I love her.  This world is not easy for her no matter the mask that she wears most of the time.  We see the true blue S come through at home.

Pray for me to have wisdom, guidance and trust that everything will work out.  She goes back to school  next week and that gives us another re-adjustment.  Breathe....

Progress

This week we had the first of our parent teacher conferences for the school year.  J is doing well but can use some improvement in participating and pushing himself.  He does that a lot in things, he only does what he needs to get by but stays out of sight and is quiet.  That's just my J.  He's also like that in sports he is very athletic but won't fight for it.  I need to figure out a why to make him realize just how terrific he is.  

S's teacher commented on how great a reader she is noting that her strengths are in Organization, neatness and following rules.  Umm... yep, that sounds about right.  However, she needed to work on her comprehension answers in reading, they are too basic and need more thought and input.  Also her math skills she can count by 2's, 3's, 10's etc.. but when you try to start her at another number ex. (start at 100 and count by 2's) she can't do it.  I tried to explain to the teacher that we are well aware of her short comings and that is part of our concern for the future.  Most people can take a skill and apply it elsewhere; Where as S every skill is a new lesson, she has to re learn it in that manner memorize and then lock it in. She can't take this skill and move it over here, not how her brian works.  As far as the deeper comprehension questions well that is all part of her cognitive that we are also working on.  I felt like the teacher gave me a blank stare.  She is just not understanding S.  She tried to say how great she is at Mimicking (ASPERGERS!), Memorizing (ASPERGERS!), however cannot create on her own imagination (ASPERGERS!).  I told her we understand and our working on it.  She claimed that she does not see fits in her class and I assured her that she never will. S doesn't have fits in public she goes mute. Teacher's response "Oh you mean that blank stare that she gets, like she's lost."  YES!!!  I have to say I left frustrated that this teacher doesn't get it.

But a positive note did roll around the next day.. at cognitive therapy-  They were categorizing objects that make her happy and ones that make her sad.  S asked to create one box that makes her worried.  In the box S decided to put - Parties with a lot of kids, or places (reason you can get hurt, touched, pushed, lost, noise..), Legos (don't like when they don't have directions don't know what to do), School (all the work you have to do and it never stops.), Games (she couldn't tell why but it does cause her anxiety). 

I was so proud that she came to define these things on her own.  Will she magically change now? No but it's a stepping stone to help her become aware of herself and I am so proud.  This was huge for us.  They also commented that re-testing for Aspergers. They said it is something to think about in the future (THANK GOD! Finally they are seeing it too.)  

Don't ever give up! Celebrate each success and achievement as it comes! Way to go S!

Thank you

As anyone that reads my blog knows that I have four wonderful children. What most don't know is that before our family was blessed with S and M, we had another dear bundle of joy on the way.   As the time is nearing to what would have been their third birthday, I have found myself thinking about them often. This I don't know maybe happens subconsciously, then I look at the date and see we are nearing what would be their birthday.   My oldest son J, has also been asking or remembering the loss of what he states "my baby brother."

As the saying goes when God closes a door another one opens.  In a very brief summary, our baby would have been born October 15, 2009.  I lost our child in my second trimester.  The door that God chose to open was the blessing of S and M.  A month after they came into my life I looked at the date it was October 15, 2009 that they came to live with us.  God took one and blessed us with another two. 

I have thought often about the day that I will see my child in heaven.  I do believe we see our children that we lost in heaven.  I wonder what they will look like and anticipate to just embrace them.  There is so much I would want to say and Thank them for.

I know many us have lost a child, or miscarried.. and have probably held their birthday's deep in our hearts and reflected and wondered at times about them.  I felt for those reasons to share what I would say

Dearest Child of mine,

I may have not been able to hold you in my arms but, do not think for moment that I have not thought of you.  I have wondered so much about you. I have thought about what you look like? And who you would have been?  There is one thing though that I cannot express to you is the LOVE that I have held for you in my heart.  I have remembered hearing your heartbeat for the first time, or the excitement of hearing we were going to be blessed with you, I have remembered watching you on the screen at the doctors and being awe of God's creation.  

Even writing this, I still feel I hold so much in heart that I can't express. I want you know though how GRATEFUL I am too you for the life that you gave.  You were to be born on October 15,2009 and even though we would have rejoiced in the blessing of watching you grow up.  I don't feel that we would have received or chosen too take in your dear brother M and sister S.  

God took you but I have never questioned him to why.. Who are we to question? I always knew there was a plan that he had.  A couple of months after we lost you, someone asked us to take two other beautiful children into our lives.  You gave your life for two other children to have one.  The day that you would have born is the day that God gave S and M.  The joy that we never could have gotten from you personally has been given ten fold in two amazing little beings.  I thank you for your sacrifice and for letting me a mother still.  

It is nearing what would have been your third birthday.  I think at times what you would be doing now, and who's personality you have. I imagine your face and still stare at times at your ultrasound. I want you know that you will always be my child and be held in my heart. 

I thank you again and as always and forever,  Mommy loves you

Whomever is reading this remember that the Lord always has a plan. I pray that you are blessed. 

(I have decided not proof read this as this is what was being expressed with tears and love)

LIfe as we know it.

The school year has officially began.  S, J and M are doing so good!!  The year is still yearly to see anything regarding S at school.  Other then she spends most recess/lunchtime by herself. Academically she is meeting all standards.

I find that she is like a chamelon. She can camouflage herself for awhile before her true colors began to emerge at school.  She is playing soccer but no games yet.  Last year she would freeze just shut down on the soccer field.  She wanted to play so bad this season, I didn't have the heart to say no.

J is now a BIG third grader and is doing well. A lot harder he says but he is doing it.  He is playing full time travel soccer, and trying out still for travel baseball.  I have put him in some private baseball coaching four times a week on top of two soccer practices a week.  Am I that crazy sports mom? I just want my kids to enjoy themselves.  J is really good at sports but he lacks self confidence, when he is on he is so great to watch then he sees someone better and shuts down.  That could come from both Me and Dad.

An example of my schedule
11:05 - pick up M from kinder
12pm - pick up K from kinder
2:45 - pick up J and S from school
3 - 4pm - Homework for all
4:30 - 5:30 = M practice
5:30- 6:30 - S practice (drop-off)
6 - 7:30pm - J baseball hitting practice (drop-off)
 RUN back to pick up S get there by 6:15
RUN back to pick up J get there by 7pm
Watch J then home we go for dinner

Craziness it all is CRAZINESS I tell you!!  On a side note, I really am praying J makes it on the travel baseball team, he wants it soo.... bad.

S has been going to cognitive therapy on Friday's.  They are trying to start with her opening up and talking about her feelings.  I don't expect some radical changes by October but the other day I found a note in my room.  She must have written it at night or early morning then snuck it in.
"I am sorry for crying 2 times I do not want to be S because I cry to  much y do not like it I am always in traboll. I am not a good kid for you." 
As sad as this was to read the positive note is that she was expressing herself.  I don't know why she felt this way as I had thought we had a good day. S has fits daily but I never yell or punish her for them. I wait till she calms down to discuss. Aspergians/People do notice they are different and her noticing is becoming more frequent.  What do you tell her? Even if I had a diagnosis I wouldn't want to use that as a reason to create an excuse.

Mommas Anxiety

First let's start out with Positive, I need that right now to reflect on.  

I am so proud of J! A while back we made him decide on the sport that he wanted to play full time.  I know some of you may think 8 years old is a little young to make this decision. But, times have changed and everything is so much more competitive.  For J though he is blessed to be good at both baseball and soccer however after much thought he did choose baseball.  With that he has been playing and practicing a ton.  Well nothing is that simple in my family.... after coming back from camping.  We got an email from his soccer coach that they were forming another team with the players that are little above average (nicely worded). He wanted to draft Jaden and didn't see him trying out, so they pulled some strings, and now my son is playing both soccer and baseball year around.  LORD HELP US!!  I am proud of him and have figured out that these sports won't interfere with each other.

Now with Momma's Anxiety....  the kids start school tomorrow and for anyone that has a child on the spectrum we know the anxiety that comes from them with this.  Is there any way to make this transition easier?  

 Mommas Anxiety - knowing the tantrums after and before school, the issues that may arise due to school, what if she gets the teacher I don't want her to have (we find out today.)

 S has been on one for the last couple of days non-stop.  I try to not let her roller coaster life affect me but, it has me wanting to go into a bubble so bad, just jump in my car and drive, drive , DRIVE!!!   I have been reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone; in her chapter on meltdowns and tantrums she talks about how parents need to handle it. When your child is one of these meltdowns there is absolutely no LOGIC, that you shouldn't just put them in their room by themselves to figure it out (which I do) but reassure them through their nonsense then help them through it.   I try to do this but after the 5th one in the day I'm done, I need to learn to be more patient. 

The most important thing for me with all my children is for them to know how much they are loved every day.  Most of the time I am so worn out by 10am that I feel that I fail at this.    So much to learn, to much to change.

Send me your tips other parents for back to school anxiety...

A Breather

My in-laws took the girls earlier this week for a couple of days.  Today I am going to go pick them up.  It was a much needed break.  As the name of my blog states I do have four children, two boys and two girls.  I cannot emphasize enough on the differences of my boys and girls. Love them both equally, girls are just a little more work though.  This week I didn't stay home and do nothing like the week I had just my girls, we did just the opposite.  Boys can just keep going and going. We made it too the waterpark and SeaWorld, I was exhausted by the end of every one of those days, the boys however have energy like an energizer bunny.

It was nice to spend time with them.  They talked non-stop, and asked questions, and also held my hand and let me love them.  When I had the girls it was hard to anything. I don't think that was so much because of them being girls but because of S.  The zoo and SeaWorld she doesn't really care for too much, and so what do you do? You let them be happy playing babies at home.

With S's differences and it being summer time it has been very hard.  It seems like every day that my husband would come home, I would give him the warning "She's on one."  You know that song by Drake " F*%# I'm on one...." I always think of that when I say it.  Her going to my in-laws and now coming home, I pray that it was exactly what the doctor ordered. 

The other week when we went camping, we were leaving the campground and like usual at the end of breaks S just lost it.  Daddy couldn't fix it, or mommy.  I finally either was going to hurt her or scream at her so I just grabbed her and hugged her.  In between her sobs she made a statement "Mommy I don't know why this happens.  I hate coming and going. I can't control this, I don't know why this happens." I told her, that I understand that it's hard for her, that she needs to find something that she can make herself happy and calm herself.  That is why we are going to her therapies to help her.  I didn't tell her though that she is overwhelmed, it is who she is and created to be, that she needs to figure it out to help her in life. 

What do you say to a seven year old girl? Her comments of her differences are becoming more often.  She is starting to see them and I have no way to respond to them.  I don't want to tell her she has Aspergers there is no diagnosis. 

School is starting in three days, THREE DAYS!!! I pray she doesn't get the teacher I don't want her to have and I pray she does well. We were talking about it the other day about how she gets out of her seat and walks around.  S's comment "All they want you to do is work and work and I just want to stop! It never stops!" Oh my baby...

I can't wait though to see my girls little smiles, I do miss them when they are gone.  K is something else that little monkey is one chica that can handle her own and she will tell you something on a drop of a dime.