MIX UP

To say that we have been busy is an understatement.  Some days in the midst of my crazy life I feel calm, content, "I got this", then other days  I think "What  did I do? "Someone take these children before I lose it.' It's funny because on those days usually God sends someone my way to say "Your so paitient, you have amazing children." I'm thinking "Yeah, right you didn't just hear me in the car!"  


My children are growing and getting older.. we are discussing things that I never thought they would ask me "Mom what is GAY, not the happy version etiher.. " "When am I going to get my boobies?" etc...  I ask for guidance to do my best to answer these questions.




It's going to be interesting to see what these children are like as they get older.  People talk about having faith but don't parents have faith everyday - We have faith that our children are going to grow up to be AMAZING adults, have GREAT children, and just plan be HAPPY in life.  Having four children God has given me four children with 4 very different personalities.  I have a strong, stubborn, athletic and fashionista daughter that is K.  I have a athletic, SUPER SMART, lovable, also stubborn little boy that is M. I have a sweet, loving, chatter box, athletic, lazy when it comes to schooling that is J, and S who is sweet, just wants you to love her all day, doesn't care about fashion, but can read till there is no tomorrow that is S.


Homeschooling has been an adjustment for all of us!  It's teaching things about myself I never thought too learn, or I needed to learn.  I am learning to have more patience because we can never have enough,  to approach S with a calm tone at all times,  how to be a better parent and focus on where my child is at now and not focus on where my child should be at. 


I am little mad at our school system and what I have learned while starting homeschooling.  I kept asking them for help to see where my child needed help in. There words "We cannot help her unless she falls a whole grade behind."  What THE!!!?? Well... guess what she fell a whole grade behind and you still didn't help so I'm doing it myself

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

I don't like to compare my life to others but seriously - WHAT was I  THINKING?! I started homeschooling S this last week, and began remodeling our new/old house.  We are moving to a spot that we have owned in a couple of weeks and I just started homeschooling.. In the midst of deciding curriculum, creating homeschool schedule, I am picking out cabinets, flooring and paint.  Anything else that I can add in my little stew of CHAOS?!  This is not a stew that I would suggest anyone to eat!

A good note, is that even though we haven't officially started teaching, since it takes time to receive the curriculum, S seems to be enjoying the time together.  We haven't had an anxiety fit (knock on wood) and we are showing more affection to dad and I.  It also helps me to be able to show this affection as well since I'm not frustrated.

J seems to have started the official beginnings of puberty meaning he is starting to smell and HELLO DEODORANT!!  I realized this while trying to figure out why my car smelled like a wet dog. He thought if he used body spray we wouldn't be able to tell but then he smelled like a wet dog with body spray.  I showed him tonight how to use the deodorant his question "Do I put in on over my clothes?" The mood swings also, OH LORD save me from the MOOD SWINGS!

One more good ingredient.. to add to my stew I started a 90 day challenge on Body by VI. I am on day 31.  I changed my eating habits 8 months ago to what you would describe as a pescatrain (is that even a word?) to only eating fish and no other meats.  The Body by VI is a nutritional protein shake, that helps you gain muscle or loss weight (your choice) I'm doing a little of both.  It's helping me to exercise daily by increasing my energy with vitamins (in shake) no additional supplements.  And yes I decided to be a promotor (ifranke.myvi.net).  So that in a way is just a little more added to my stew!!

While school is starting tomorrow for all.  Pray for my patience, endurance, to make sure I complete our packing my this weekend.  J has a soccer team tryout so pray he makes it and ..... just that I stay focused.

Take care....

Update

How do I sum up a year? So many changes..... We stopped therapies for S. I felt like she was associating too much of her identity with it.  We don't have a diagnosis however, therapy helped us a lot but there are some things that we need to just accept as her personality.  She started music classes and soccer and love's it!

J , M and K have been busy with sports and school. I started back to work as a preschool teacher and went back  too college, CRAZY right?! I love it though, love stepping out of my mom role and being validated for what I do.  Now that I've accepted four kids in school, college and work BAM!! Life is changing yet again!

We've thought about homeschooling S for a long time.  We've been on school break for awhile and S's anxiety has been under control 😅. Yes we have our moments but it seems manageable compared to a full out break down.  In my heart homeschooling option won't disappear so here we go on yet another new journey.

I keep being reminded that my role in life is mommy not who I want to be separate of that. God blessed is with each of our kids for a reason, sometimes they don't know how to use their voice and it's our purpose to help them. I pray this is the right choice for all the family. The emotional fits were taking its toll finally on all.

I still get too work but instead of 5 days 2 and yet I'm selfishly morning my/our changes. Wish us the best!

Breathe

I know that nothing just happens.  I do believe that God guides our life and has a plan for each and every one of us.  Does that mean that I float on a cloud, trusting that all will be sunshine and happiness?  No... To tell you the truth the last two weeks I have been questioning a lot about being a mom.

I am a mother of four, a wife to a lineman (power poles), two adopted children, two biological, one with anger issues and the other with something (Aspergers).  The bible says that we are not given more then we can handle.  When I reflect on my life I can see that I am exactly where God wants me to be and has designed me to be.

But, lately I feel like I just CAN"T DO THIS!!! S has been on school break for the last two weeks and any change in her schedule is like taking a toaster and sticking it in a tub of bath water. It doesn't stop, it never stops (only a little bit)....  Her screaming, her mean words, her tantrum.  All the while I have to sit there and say "I understand.. you need to stop screaming before we can talk, ya-da, ya-da"  I take the verbal punches one by one " I hate you!, Your not my mom!, Your mean! I'll never look at you! etc..."  Does she mean them? No, and I know that.  Because half the time that she is mad it doesn't even make sense about a half eaten burrito or I touched her bed.  I know she is mad because this break is hard, there is no schedule, and if we do something the next day she is a wreck for over stimulation.

I have been taking it all in.... never yelling, trying to talk.  No one, No one understands what it's like! Do I expect them too? No I don't, at times I would rather stay in my own bubble then explain it.

I just at times need to feel like I'm not alone.  I know my daughter loves me, I know I love her.  This world is not easy for her no matter the mask that she wears most of the time.  We see the true blue S come through at home.

Pray for me to have wisdom, guidance and trust that everything will work out.  She goes back to school  next week and that gives us another re-adjustment.  Breathe....

Progress

This week we had the first of our parent teacher conferences for the school year.  J is doing well but can use some improvement in participating and pushing himself.  He does that a lot in things, he only does what he needs to get by but stays out of sight and is quiet.  That's just my J.  He's also like that in sports he is very athletic but won't fight for it.  I need to figure out a why to make him realize just how terrific he is.  

S's teacher commented on how great a reader she is noting that her strengths are in Organization, neatness and following rules.  Umm... yep, that sounds about right.  However, she needed to work on her comprehension answers in reading, they are too basic and need more thought and input.  Also her math skills she can count by 2's, 3's, 10's etc.. but when you try to start her at another number ex. (start at 100 and count by 2's) she can't do it.  I tried to explain to the teacher that we are well aware of her short comings and that is part of our concern for the future.  Most people can take a skill and apply it elsewhere; Where as S every skill is a new lesson, she has to re learn it in that manner memorize and then lock it in. She can't take this skill and move it over here, not how her brian works.  As far as the deeper comprehension questions well that is all part of her cognitive that we are also working on.  I felt like the teacher gave me a blank stare.  She is just not understanding S.  She tried to say how great she is at Mimicking (ASPERGERS!), Memorizing (ASPERGERS!), however cannot create on her own imagination (ASPERGERS!).  I told her we understand and our working on it.  She claimed that she does not see fits in her class and I assured her that she never will. S doesn't have fits in public she goes mute. Teacher's response "Oh you mean that blank stare that she gets, like she's lost."  YES!!!  I have to say I left frustrated that this teacher doesn't get it.

But a positive note did roll around the next day.. at cognitive therapy-  They were categorizing objects that make her happy and ones that make her sad.  S asked to create one box that makes her worried.  In the box S decided to put - Parties with a lot of kids, or places (reason you can get hurt, touched, pushed, lost, noise..), Legos (don't like when they don't have directions don't know what to do), School (all the work you have to do and it never stops.), Games (she couldn't tell why but it does cause her anxiety). 

I was so proud that she came to define these things on her own.  Will she magically change now? No but it's a stepping stone to help her become aware of herself and I am so proud.  This was huge for us.  They also commented that re-testing for Aspergers. They said it is something to think about in the future (THANK GOD! Finally they are seeing it too.)  

Don't ever give up! Celebrate each success and achievement as it comes! Way to go S!

Thank you

As anyone that reads my blog knows that I have four wonderful children. What most don't know is that before our family was blessed with S and M, we had another dear bundle of joy on the way.   As the time is nearing to what would have been their third birthday, I have found myself thinking about them often. This I don't know maybe happens subconsciously, then I look at the date and see we are nearing what would be their birthday.   My oldest son J, has also been asking or remembering the loss of what he states "my baby brother."

As the saying goes when God closes a door another one opens.  In a very brief summary, our baby would have been born October 15, 2009.  I lost our child in my second trimester.  The door that God chose to open was the blessing of S and M.  A month after they came into my life I looked at the date it was October 15, 2009 that they came to live with us.  God took one and blessed us with another two. 

I have thought often about the day that I will see my child in heaven.  I do believe we see our children that we lost in heaven.  I wonder what they will look like and anticipate to just embrace them.  There is so much I would want to say and Thank them for.

I know many us have lost a child, or miscarried.. and have probably held their birthday's deep in our hearts and reflected and wondered at times about them.  I felt for those reasons to share what I would say

Dearest Child of mine,

I may have not been able to hold you in my arms but, do not think for moment that I have not thought of you.  I have wondered so much about you. I have thought about what you look like? And who you would have been?  There is one thing though that I cannot express to you is the LOVE that I have held for you in my heart.  I have remembered hearing your heartbeat for the first time, or the excitement of hearing we were going to be blessed with you, I have remembered watching you on the screen at the doctors and being awe of God's creation.  

Even writing this, I still feel I hold so much in heart that I can't express. I want you know though how GRATEFUL I am too you for the life that you gave.  You were to be born on October 15,2009 and even though we would have rejoiced in the blessing of watching you grow up.  I don't feel that we would have received or chosen too take in your dear brother M and sister S.  

God took you but I have never questioned him to why.. Who are we to question? I always knew there was a plan that he had.  A couple of months after we lost you, someone asked us to take two other beautiful children into our lives.  You gave your life for two other children to have one.  The day that you would have born is the day that God gave S and M.  The joy that we never could have gotten from you personally has been given ten fold in two amazing little beings.  I thank you for your sacrifice and for letting me a mother still.  

It is nearing what would have been your third birthday.  I think at times what you would be doing now, and who's personality you have. I imagine your face and still stare at times at your ultrasound. I want you know that you will always be my child and be held in my heart. 

I thank you again and as always and forever,  Mommy loves you

Whomever is reading this remember that the Lord always has a plan. I pray that you are blessed. 

(I have decided not proof read this as this is what was being expressed with tears and love)

LIfe as we know it.

The school year has officially began.  S, J and M are doing so good!!  The year is still yearly to see anything regarding S at school.  Other then she spends most recess/lunchtime by herself. Academically she is meeting all standards.

I find that she is like a chamelon. She can camouflage herself for awhile before her true colors began to emerge at school.  She is playing soccer but no games yet.  Last year she would freeze just shut down on the soccer field.  She wanted to play so bad this season, I didn't have the heart to say no.

J is now a BIG third grader and is doing well. A lot harder he says but he is doing it.  He is playing full time travel soccer, and trying out still for travel baseball.  I have put him in some private baseball coaching four times a week on top of two soccer practices a week.  Am I that crazy sports mom? I just want my kids to enjoy themselves.  J is really good at sports but he lacks self confidence, when he is on he is so great to watch then he sees someone better and shuts down.  That could come from both Me and Dad.

An example of my schedule
11:05 - pick up M from kinder
12pm - pick up K from kinder
2:45 - pick up J and S from school
3 - 4pm - Homework for all
4:30 - 5:30 = M practice
5:30- 6:30 - S practice (drop-off)
6 - 7:30pm - J baseball hitting practice (drop-off)
 RUN back to pick up S get there by 6:15
RUN back to pick up J get there by 7pm
Watch J then home we go for dinner

Craziness it all is CRAZINESS I tell you!!  On a side note, I really am praying J makes it on the travel baseball team, he wants it soo.... bad.

S has been going to cognitive therapy on Friday's.  They are trying to start with her opening up and talking about her feelings.  I don't expect some radical changes by October but the other day I found a note in my room.  She must have written it at night or early morning then snuck it in.
"I am sorry for crying 2 times I do not want to be S because I cry to  much y do not like it I am always in traboll. I am not a good kid for you." 
As sad as this was to read the positive note is that she was expressing herself.  I don't know why she felt this way as I had thought we had a good day. S has fits daily but I never yell or punish her for them. I wait till she calms down to discuss. Aspergians/People do notice they are different and her noticing is becoming more frequent.  What do you tell her? Even if I had a diagnosis I wouldn't want to use that as a reason to create an excuse.