Here we go again

Sometimes in my head I have so much going on, it's a surprise that anything even gets done. When I sit down to write it all out. It's like an empty exhaustion hits me, it's not that I can't write it's the thought of all I want too say that makes me slump over and go void.

I'm going to say it once in this post and one time only than I'll share some things going on... I'M TIRED, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY and EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN!!!  We are going through a full assessment process right now for S. This is through the charter that I use to homeschool.  They offer services to children that need them. They seem like great services if she qualifies.  They will bring in an aide once a week to assist teaching her in areas that I can't because of her cognitive level.  She can go too social therapy with two other kids to work on those social rules that she doesn't understand and facial cues, vocal tones etc.. This last week alone we have had three assessments. One the week prior and the coming week is one more than two days of  (insert: long sigh....) IEP meetings.

With every other one they see something else than want to test on.

For parents that haven't gone through this process with their school it can be very tiring.  You of course have to fill out so much paperwork, it's the same idea of all the other paperwork you have probably done in the past.. a scale of where your kid is and questions about their life. Which, I honestly HATE doing. I feel like I'm putting her in a bubble and talking negative about her disabilities. I don't like to compare kid she is who she is. 

 Her first meeting was with a speech and language, the teacher said she scored very high in it. I had to explain that S can answer simple questions with language it's the usage of her words and misunderstanding of tones, expressions and words. You cannot have a legit conversation with her, it's a lot of yes, no's, smiles and simple sentences.  They added on: a facial testing and language usage test. This test was emotionally hard for me to sit through. She was suppose to look at a picture and say what she thinks the person is thinking, as if she was them. S couldn't think like that so she kept saying she or he and all of the answers were negative "They did something wrong.", "They made a mistake.", "They are mad." The one picture of one kid that obviously was mad and shouting STOP with his hand up in the stop position she said "He is saying he is five." The therapist tried to say I think he's saying STOP her S interrupted and said "No he's saying he's five, see his hand." Her usage of language and conversation scores were also low. 

The other tests I don't know how she did and won't know till Wednesday next week. One other test they want to add is OT for her sensory disorders. What sucks with all this is that I don't get her official diagnosis just her assessment for therapies and school needs. I still need to go back to CHILDREN"S HOSPITAL and do this all again for her OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS.  As she is getting older it is without a doubt Aspergers/Austism.  Children's told us it would become more evident as she got older. It has my little ones are passing her in a lot of areas. They are learning to look out for her. That makes me sad.

I recently went to this amazing conference for parents with children with special needs.  It was such a blessing to see parents in the same situation of me.  All of our stories are different yet we all our struggling with the same thing - strength, questions of the future, daily life, advocating for our children, etc.. It helped me too see that I'm not alone with the child that wakes in the day and decides the mood of your household, just from their first hello. I'm not alone with having a child that doesn't understand certain day to day actions, words, needs tons of reminders, food diets, dealing with tantrums in social places and she is 91/2. Having to carry your child out of a store, and sometimes questioning "Is this is it, is this life?"  The things I gained was too see the encouragement directed back to the WORD/Bible that it's ok to question your purpose.  To see parents of older children that can find the humor in their day to day that is where I want to be.  Too laugh when S is quirky. 

Don't get me wrong I love my S with all my heart. In all honesty I pray all day because my strength is empty.  I am still working on acceptance. Where is that line that I accept it and she does these things because of her disability?  I'm worried that if I fully accept it I will stop fighting. I'm worried about the effects on the other kids, my marriage, and myself.  IT is my purpose!  It's Super Duper hard! I'm a therapist, dietician, friend, teacher and mother.